EAB IN: DEVIL MAY CRY (But who is wiping?)

Friday Night
27th Of August 2021
LIVE STREAM
(www.redacted.tv.org)


The title scene for “YAK WITH THE QUACK” starts up with typically cheesy 80s music, because modern music sucks, all you young kids have no appreciation for art, I tell you what. Lots of bright colours, and scenes of people fighting with a pretty, yet often animated looking female doctor yelling at them, and even getting one in a headlock at one point. The intro ends as we head to the VO guy.


V.O GUY (LARRY)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your time to YAK WITH THE QUACK! Please welcome your host, the therapist with the iron fist... DR. JESTINE LEAVENWORTH!


Jestine walks out on the bright stage with a tacky shoulder padded pantsuit in pastel blue, because it promotes a good aura or some shit. As she waves to the live studio crowd, a load of them set off these little duck quackers they have.


*QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!*


DR. JESTINE
Hi everybody!


AUDIENCE
HI DR. QUACK!


*QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!*


DR. JESTINE
I am DR. Jestine Leavenworth, professional wrestler turned doctor of psychology! Later tonight; we meet a woman who’s boyfriend has dumped her for her pet hamster! BUT FIRST! Video games... are they truly the work of Satan himself? We meet a woman who claims that obsession with video games led to the death of her only son! Please welcome... TRACY BAKER!!!


A fraught looking woman with frizzy hair walks out, seeming quite beside herself, which is not helped as the audience set off the quackers again.


*QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!*



The woman almost falls onto the couch in shock, and takes a moment to compose herself. The good doctor continues.


DR. JESTINE
And tonight, she will confront the man in charge, the head honcho for the video game in question... please welcome EMMANUEL ARMITAGE BLIZZARD!!!



The bald, beefy, mountain of a man in a suit walks out. Those of us familiar with LEVEL UP know him even without that trademark pearly white smirk. That familiar briefcase in hand. He does a small, somewhat awkward royal wave to the hooting and hollering crowd that seem to be a copy of old live crowds from FOX NETWORK.. Blizzard shakes hands with The Good Doctor leaning in to shake Mrs. Baker’s hand she tries to yank her hand away, squirming in his grip as Blizzard smiles patting her meaty palm in what looks like possibly a gesture of compassion. When he releases the vice-like grip Baker slumps back to her chair, E.A places his briefcase next to the chair, before sitting down and straightening the creases in his slacks before leaning to the backrest, putting one foot over the other..supposedly this is him, relaxing?


DR. JESTINE
Hello there Mr. Blizzard! Nice briefcase, my sister just got one of those. Got herself locked out of it, the dozy bint!


The audience laughs at this.


DR. JESTINE
Okay, so let’s get down to business. Mrs. Baker, so your son is dead, correct?


Tracy looks like she’s about to start crying. Jestine clearly gets something in her ear.


DR. JESTINE
What? I’m just trying to make sure I’ve got the facts right, calm down. Please answer the question, Mrs. Baker.



TRACY BAKER
..yes, my son Walter, is dead.


DR. JESTINE
Right, RIP Walt..


TRACY BAKER
HIS NAME IS WALTER!


DR. JESTINE
Yes, Rest in peace Walter..and you are here today because Walt..erm I mean Walter loved, these here.


She reaches for something from what looks like a coffee table and shows up a mobile device with a flashy screen.


DR. JESTINE
You do know what these are, don’t you Mrs. Baker?


The poor woman sniffles.


MRS BAKER
..yes, vidya games.



EAB
Ahem. Mobile games, actually.


MRS. BAKER
GODDAMN VIDYA GAME IS A VIDYA GAME!


EAB
I understand your sorrow ma’am but let’s keep with the facts, shall we?


MRS. BAKER
MY SON IS DEAD!


DR JESTINE
Yes, I believe that is something nobody has disagreed with Mrs. Baker. As you may recall, you were required to provide a copy of his death certificate for authentication purposes. What we are here to discuss is whether your son’s death can be attributed to the mobile game in question, proprieted by Mr. Blizzard here. The game in question being Sweet Smash, a HIGHLY ORIGINAL match four game available now on IOS and Android! Mr. Blizzard, what do you make of the accusations put forward by Mrs. Baker here against you?


EAB
Hogwash.


MRS BAKER
EXCUSE ME?!


DR. JESTINE
Relax darlin’ I don’t think he was hinting at your robust appearance.


MRS BAKER
WHAT THE HELL?!


DR JESTINE
Mr. Blizzard, could you use another term to describe this..claim?


EAB
Yes.


DR JESTINE
…


Our Quack glances over at Blizzard, gesturing him to move it along.


EAB
Yes, I could.


DR. JESTINE
..and what would that be?


EAB
Boulderdash.


MRS BAKER
WHAT KIND OF MOCKERY IS THIS THROWING YER FANCY COLLEGE DEGREE WORDS AT ME! MY POOR WALTER..MY POOR BOY IS DEAD AND YOU SIT THERE ACTING LIKE THIS IS A GAME OF SCRABBLE!


DR. JESTINE
Oh! I love that game.


EAB
We have a mobile version of that in the works, bringing it up to the 2020’s..


MRS BAKER
WHAT THE FRICK HAS THIS TO DO WITH WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POOR BOY?!?


DR. JESTINE
You are absolutely right Mrs. Baker. Mr. Blizzard..do you have something you’d like to say to her on account of her son?


EAB
Yes, Look. Mrs. Baker, can I call you Tracy?


MRS BAKER
No! YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT!



Blizzard leans forward on his chair, looking at Mrs. Baker.


EAB
Look, Tracy. Let’s be real here.


MRS BAKER
I told you, YOU CAN’T CALL ME THAT!


DR. JESTINE
Please, I am sure there is a compromise we can reach here, if Mr. Blizzard can call you Tracy I am sure you could call him. E.A?


EAB
No, Mr. Blizzard is just fine.


DR JESTINE
Carry on then, Mr Blizzard what would you like to tell Tracy?



MRS BAKER
Now YOU are doing it TOO! I never gave either of you the permission to be on a first name basis with me!?!



EAB
Tracy, shut up. I let you talk. It is only fair that you shut your mouth and let me talk on my turn. This is not about the fact that your son died, is it?


MRS BAKER
*GASPS*


CROWD
OOOOOOOH~



EAB
Admit it, Tracy. You didn’t even care about your son Walton at all to begin with.


DR JESTINE
I believe his name is Walt Mr. Blizzard..


MRS BAKER
HIS NAME IS WALTER!


Blizzard’s face is expressionless.


EAB
I suppose you mean, was Walter. Since he has departed from this world. Truth of the matter is that you did not care for him when he was alive, did you Tracy? Your son was a loser, a recluse and a reject to the whole society. He had no job, no profession, no proper education and you hid him in your attic so the neighbors would not know he lived at home still at 42, isn’t that right?


MRS. BAKER
HE LIVED IN A LOFT!


DR JESTINE
Gosh, what a way to live..


EAB
Tracy, You are not here because you hate mobile games are you?


MRS BAKER
Yes I am! THOSE DOGGONE VIDYAGAMES KILLED MY BOY!


EAB
No, Tracy. You are here because you can’t deal with the fact that we achieved in something you utterly failed not just as a parent but as a mother. Isn’t that right?


MRS BAKER
NO!


Blizzard doesn’t even flinch as he goes on.


EAB
Yes it is Tracy, because while on this side of the screen Walter was a loser, unloved, without friends or anything good in his life, his sheer existence was hiding it out in your attic while you were to concerned more of what your friends on Facebook and your book club talk about when you aren’t holding the monthly garage sales..


Tracy sniffled, Dr. Jestine handed her a box of tissues.


MRS BAKER
That’s not true, not true at all..I loved my boy, I loved Walter..


EAB
You forced him to live IN YOUR ATTIC, TRACY!


MRS BAKER
IT IS A LOFT!!!!!!!!


DR: JESTINE
I would appreciate if you would try to keep your emotions in check Mrs. Baker.


MRS BAKER
MY SON IS DEAD!


EAB
I believe that is well established enough at this point, Tracy. However these games you are accusing are not something you can’t roll the blame on for what happened to Walter, not Sweet Smash, not me. Matter of fact, if anything I think you should thank me and our great team at Sweet Smash.


MRS BAKER
WHAT?! I’LL NEVER YOU..YOU ARE A MONSTER, YOU --


Blizzard leans back on his chair.


EAB
I gave your son something to live for. Walter loved Sweet Smash, in the game he could be everything he wasn’t in real life, he would accomplish high scores, be loved and appreciated by his fellow community of players. He was a respected and beloved member of the Sweet Smash family..which is more than what I can say about his own family. You aren’t here to get any kind of justice for Walter, you are here looking to cast blame and suspicion to the ONE good thing in your son’s life and besmirch something he loved more than you loved him.


MRS BAKER
HOW DARE YOU!? YOU..YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD! STOP TALKING!


EAB
I’m not finished yet, Tracy. We are sorry for what happened to Walter, it affects me deeply on a very personal and private level and we will launch a special campaign in his honor where primary items and booster packs will be 10..no 20% off for the next 42 months, a month for every year Walter was with us as long as you use the code. WINWITHWALTER


We see Dr. Jestine snatching a tissue to wipe something from her eye.


MRS BAKER
Y-you can’t YOU CAN’T MAKE MONEY OF MY BOY’S SPIRIT!? YOU JUST CAN’T!?


EAB
You don’t own the rights to the name Tracy, we loved your son and if you are truly that twisted that you would deny your son one last chance to be loved by his friends online..just because you can’t accept the fact that we succeeded in all that you utterly failed, then which one of us, truly is the monster here Tracy?

Mrs. Baker jumps from her seat, clutching that the shoulder of Dr. Jestine.


MRS BAKER
Do something Doctor! HE’S MAKING PROFIT ON MY DEAD SON! YOU CAN’T LET HIM!


Dr. Jestine looks ponderous for a moment.


DR. JESTINE
I mean you’d think that would be a good point... but the way I see it is, Mr. Blizzard is out here being calm, speaking rationally, and you’ve just been yelling like a maniac. Personally I think it’s a nice tribute! I love Sweet Smash, maybe I’ll get some booster packs and...


MRS BAKER
YOU BITCH!!!! I’LL KILL YOU!!!


Mrs. Baker tries to swing at Jestine, but the trained wrestler catches her arm, yanking it behind her, before hitting a half nelson suplex through the coffee table! The audience comes unglued, cheering and setting off their quackers.


*QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!*


Jestine looks down to Mrs. Baker, dusting her pantsuit off.


DR. JESTINE
Don’t worry folks, we’ll clean that up in a bit.



The audience laughs.


DR. JESTINE
Mr. Blizzard! I thank you for coming on here today. I deal with a lot of crazy people, as you can probably imagine...


She looks down pointedly at the unconscious Mrs. B before continuing.


DR. JESTINE
It was a pleasure to speak with someone well mannered, intelligent and caring like yourself. What you are doing for Walt’s memory is truly wonderful. I thank you. If only more execs could be like you.


She offers a hand at Blizzard who grabs it for a shake.


EAB
No, Dr. Leavenworth the pleasure was truly mine and that’s not just a fact that’s a..



You can hear the crowd holding their breath before they all respond in unison.


THAT’S A QUACK!


CROWD CHEERS THE QUACKERS GO CRACKERS AND THERE ARE EVEN SOME EAB CHANTS AS THE SHOW CUTS TO COMMERCIAL










YAK WITH THE QUACK had just gone on commercial break, Gus the director walks up with a headset.


DIRECTOR(GUS)
Okay, that’s a wrap folks, Doc, great work as usual..Jimmy get someone to mop up that crap off the stage.



ASSISTANT DIRECTOR(JIMMY)
Gus, you can’t talk that way about a human being!


Gus rubs his temples.


DIRECTOR (GUS)
I meant the damn shards of the coffee table, but yeah get that broad out of there too, get her some low calory water, smelling salts..something but get her the fuck out of my set we got that Hamster and the boyfriend up next and we gotta replace the table. Luckily IKEA sponsors this because no one would actually buy those shits if they had to pay for it.



E.A Blizzard watches all this happen as he reaches for a tinfoil packet of pills, snipping one out.
He throws it in his mouth and gulps down some mineral water.


DR. JESTINE
You doing okay?


EAB
Oh yeah, just indigestion..


DR: JESTINE
So..about the deal..

Blizzard smiles and opens up his briefcase, offering her a ready signed document, the briefcase to sign on.

EAB
As promised, we’ll put ads of Yak With The Quack on high volume of our games, fremium players of course and doubled during the WINWITHWALTER campaign.


DR JESTINE
Sweet..and the other thing?


EAB
Congratulations on your lifetime premium membership on Sweet Smash Dr. Jestine Leavenworth.


She actually looks giddy signing the document. E.A hands her a copy, takes two for himself, locking them back in the briefcase.


EAB
Pleasure doing business with you Doc, you saved us a lot of money today and as you always say, that’s not just a fact..


DR. JESTINE
That’s a quack! Thank you. A pleasure doing business, as you say.


EAB smiles and walks away. Jess flips out her phone tapping away before someone picks up.


DR. JESTINE
Hey Justice! Get the beers in baby, deal’s done, we’re partying tonight!




The scene opens to something you may have seen before: a view of a large, skybox corporate office, straight out of the corporate mastermind villain’s base from a movie. This is no movie though, this is the reality, the environment to which the star of today’s scene, E.A. Blizzard is accustomed. The room is beautifully adorned with rare art pieces, a huge oak desk behind which sits the aforementioned man; the large city skyline through the huge windows behind him is not even enough to detract from the aura of the huge, imposing man sitting front and center. A woman, apparently a secretary, scurries out of shot with a sharp hand wave from the man, no words needed, a command of all around him. A command of you watching, as his steely eyes meet the camera, and he begins to talk; dominance and power integrated to every syllable of his speech.


EAB
Well wonders never cease do they, if you expected me to be hopping mad about the way EXP 12 went for me, guess again. Eli, pal you did Goode. You did better than anyone expected you to do. I would congratulate you on your win but as much as I would love to do that, Eli my boy I can not do that, for I cannot lie. Your win as rare as it may be is tainted, because of the so called Final Boss champion Magdalena Lockheart who wants to talk up and down about how much she’s done and sacrificed and done for not just the Final Boss Championship but the whole of LEVELUP as well, yet she has to throw her weight around and meddle into matches of others and for what? Because she thought she could just insult me and get away with it? I’m sorry that I have to tell someone as decorated and dedicated as her that what she did in EXP 12 was not only selfish but utterly stupid because you could have had something special Eli. You could have gotten a win to be proud of and now the first ever briefcase on a pole match is as good as null and void because of the way it got tainted by no fault of your own. I am sorry Eli, I am really sorry that you fell victim to this just because our champion took it upon herself to mess up a match she had no part in. She just couldn’t wait for Devil May Cry, she could not let you have your moment and she just had to make you a casualty in all this..I wish I could go back in time and fix it for you pal. I wish I could have just reasoned with Magdalena that she would understand that this is something beyond her own ego and her hybris of things, but alas I am not a time traveler and what power I may possess is not enough to undo the past.


He rocks back in his chair a bit before going on.


EAB
So enjoy your win if you can Eli, I am proud of your efforts and hope that this FINALLY puts to rest those ludicrous ramblings about me being the developer or holding something over them, surely if I held such power if I was indeed the Developer I would not be as benevolent and understanding to the misdeeds of others just as our Final Boss Champion’s for example. I mean Magdalena is our top champion, someone who is looked up to by the whole roster and our fans and yet as much as she claims to understand just what her role and responsibility as a champion is she still insists on putting herself on a pedestal above everyone else. Thinking she can look down at her nose not just myself but the fans and everyone else who came before her. Such condescending tone and disgustingly unsportsmanlike behaviour could be expected of a unseasoned rookie fresh into the industry but not someone as established and decorated as Magdalena Lockheart. Now Miss Lockheart I understand that your modus operandi seems to be to mock, ridicule and intimidate your opposition but do you honestly in your heart of hearts assume that such scaremongering schemes would really work on me? Since I started in this company I have been doubted, misjudged, overlooked and underestimated. Why would you even assume that anything you could say would have some profound effect or even be something I have not already heard before? I am a selfless man Miss Lockheart which someone with an ego the size of yours would probably have difficulty to understand. What I have done is not about me, it’s not about winning the Final Boss Championship or any championship at all. What I am doing is not for my own personal gain and benefit but for the company as a whole.


He smiles politely at the camera.


EAB
So when you claim to know how I want to be a champion and how you won’t blame me for wanting to be one to begin with. You have exposed yourself as someone who just like my other opponents has not grasped just who E.A Blizzard is and what EAB is all about. I am not driven by wins & losses or shiny accolades I can throw in people’s faces. I am already successful enough in life that I don’t need to validate myself with trinkets or praises and assessments from people who live to be modern day narcissos..So when you speak of wanting to insert briefcases in the backsides of every “stuffed suit” as you claim to see, you are clearly just broadcasting your own jealousy on the fact that I am quite comfortable in my own skin and while you may claim me as a stuffed suit, I can vouch for the fact that I don’t need any stuff to fill it, this isn’t some off the rack bargain deal boss suits. Mine are tailormade which means they are done to my measurements. However if you assume that vulgar suggestions of violence and bodily harm would faze me I suggest you think again. I don’t have to boast about my height, my weight, my size or what I am capable of doing. All that can be seen from my previous matchups and the people I have faced. If you need a reason to posture yourself up before matches and stomp down on your opponents to feel a inch or two taller then that is all well and good, for you. I for one pity such a demeanor for not just a champion but as a human being. What do you hope to accomplish with such Miss Lockheart? Belittling your peers verbally and laying threats on them? Is that something you need to do so you could tolerate yourself and your own actions, to feel better about yourself? Is the Final Boss Championship not enough for you, is anything?


Leaving those questions linger in the air E.A Blizzard leans back on his chair.


EAB
You can talk a great talk, you can walk a great walk I doubt there is no disagreement about that from anyone. You would not have been the Final Boss Champion as long as you have, beaten as many great opponents as you have if it wasn’t true. So what you have Magdalena is true, genuine, unadulterated talent. No need to talk about a fluke or a coincidence, anyone can be beaten at any given night but since becoming the champion you have been more on the winning side than the losing side. So while we agree that you have been a great champion I doubt that you could have been even better, that is not a challenge per say, unless you consider challenging yourself as a threat of course. You seem to have taken not just an overtly aggressive and judgmental approach to me and that offends me greatly as a person, because for some unexplained reason you seem to believe in a narrative where my win would mean your end, like I am competing to be better than you..I am not you, nor will I become you if I win that championship or any championship in this company. I do not wish to be you or like you either. I know exactly who I am and what I am striving for and that is to be the best damn competitor and possibly a champion E. A Blizzard can be and I think that upsets or insults you Miss Lockheart. The sheer idea that not everyone wishes to be like you, the deafening cheers from the fans when you just show up, the way they hang on to every syllable you utter to the microphone. I think you have fallen under the spell of your own success and that can truly be a dangerous position to be in Magdalena. I am saying this to you as a peer and a friend.


He leans forward putting his elbows on the table top.


EAB
You seem to have imagined me as some sort of a cold and callous monster, an ogre without remorse and clearly an enemy of yours. I came to you in the spirit of peace and cooperation. Not to usurp your position at the throne or to end you, what I want is real simple. I want the very best for LEVELUP I want this place to become even better, better than it has ever been, the best it could ever be and if you see yourself as an obstacle I must take apart for that to happen then that is not my fault or my problem, is it? That is yours. If you assume that I am targeting you wanting to drive you out, to end you, rid the business of you or whatever..that proves to me that you know, truly know that you have not been the best you could have been. Maybe you have been good, maybe you have been great, maybe you have had 9 good nights out of 10, maybe you’ve done 99% right..but that 1% that smidge of difference and doubt is something that is eating you up from inside Magdalena. You do not want to admit that you could have failed, do you? You don’t want to just say that you are a mere human after all so you need to project me as this evil monster, this beast who wants to take you out. There are others like you out in the world too, who are lost and can’t seem to find a way out, they seek out desperate means to escape eternal solutions to a momentary problem, some by medicine, some by traffic or gravity..some even through someone else’s hands police officer or a violent thug perhaps. They want someone else to do something they are incapable of doing or even admitting..and that is not a stigma Magdalena. Because anyone can fall from grace, there is no differentiation between your skin colour, race, social economic standing..that happens in all walks of life and those people are just as important as the rest of us. There is no shame in admitting you aren’t perfect Magdalena, there is no reason for you to try and mask it as something else. I am not here to hurt you, I am here to help you and at Devil May Cry, whatever the outcome of our match is..if you need to confess something, shed a tear or two..this stuffed suit has a shoulder for you to lean on. You can drop the act, be true to yourself, relieving yourself from the false pretences the smokescreens and alternate identities you put up as walls between the world and your true self.


He puts his palms together, we see those pearly white teeth smiling at the camera, that cold, eerie smirk so synonymous with the man in a suit.


EAB
Once the bell rings Miss Lockheart, you won’t have to speak a word, you won’t have to hide or pretend. You can be your true self free from fear of judgement, do not hold back, let it all out, be true to yourself because in the end isn’t that what being the “Final Boss” is all about?


We fade to black on the smiling man.