Just give it a twist.

Have you ever looked at somethin’ real close? Like, ya know, got out one a them there microscopes and set it up real well. Put somethin’ on that slide and really looked at it, ya know where yer lips curl up a bit, yer eyes squint tryin’ ta bring everythin’ inta focus. Ya know, lookin’ at it so close that it’s on that edge of focus, not quite crystal clear but still a little blurry ‘round the edges. And then ya twist that nob on the side of the microscope a bit, it goes up and down,ya kinda look like yer in the fuckin’ Jetsons.



Then ya know, it all comes inta focus. It’s like magic beans and shit. Ya rip the bong a few times, say yer praise Dales and raise a little hell. And then, there it fuckin’ is. What yer lookin’ fer is starin’ back at ya through that beady little telescope that isn’t fer lookin’ inta space. Ya can see it, but ya can’t feel it, ya can’t touch it. It’s almost like one a them optical illusion books ya get real inta when you’ve achieved a level of stoned that is unnatural by all human generated metrics.



I’m on a tangent I think, I should prolly bring it back a bit.



Hi Amber, my name is Ray-Ray.



I was lookin’ ya up and down tryin’ ta find the hook. Tryin’ ta find that thing I could really sink my teeth inta. Ya feel me? Lookin’ fer that thing that SCREEEEAAAAAMS at me as somethin’ I should prolly talk about. But there wasn’t much there darlin’, borin, normal shit. Yer a chick that thinks yer a queen, ya know how many a them there are in the world of wrasslin’? If I had a dollar fer every chick that told me she was the queen of somethin’ that wasn’t an actual land mass I’d have a lot more money than I already have.



Not like fuck off I’ll buy yer families farm and send ya all ta the gulag ta die money. But like, fuck off and get high money. Yeah, money like that. Ya know, nothin’ too terribly serious but serious enough ta be considered well off by the people ya go ta dinner with. Pretty much like that. So yer the queen of… strong style. So styles that are strong. The strongest of styles. I imagine this means yer the queen of runways or somethin’.



Do ya walk down ta the ring like a catwalk?



I imagine if ya have the strongest style, ya definitely walk the cat walk from time ta time. Prolly got entire lines of Amber Payne clothin’, maybe even some of them fancy purses. Amber Payne, oh do ya call it Amber Vain? I think my wife has one a yer dresses in her closet. She mighta worn it ta prom or somethin’. She’s a Louisville fan so she had ta tease me and wear red, and ya seem ta like red.



Ya know, fer being the Queen of Styles that are Strong I’d imagine yer ring gear would look a lot more dramatic. Figured ya’d have one of those long cigarette holders and wearin’ a coat made out of dalmatian puppies. Or like, whats them leggin’s everyone was sellin’ there for awhile? I bought some of them ‘cause Betsy kept tellin’ me how nice they were. They didn’t leave much room for the boys and their friend though, so that was a little disappointing. I mean normally I ain’t above showin’ off. I like wearin’ shorts that are a little short ya know. But this was just down right restrictive.



It’s like them plates they put in the cars that ruined NASCAR.



Man I always loved how fast they could really get rippin’ and roarin’ down that track. Some fellers would have that thing screamin’ up ta 210 miles per hour but then they came out and put them restrictor plates on. Now it’s 202 down the straight away and everyone is able ta do it. It’s bullshit.



Did I do it again?



I prolly did. People tell me that’s an issue fer me, I’ll just get ta talkin’ and not know when ta shut up. I think that’s a fair assessment. But ya know, talkin’s really done a lot fer me. It got me all my bestest friends (HEY SEBBY MISS YOU) and even got me a sweet Camaro I drive ‘round like I’m the second comin’.



‘Cause I might be.



But back ta talkin’, it’s worked wonders. Look what it’s done fer me in the ring. Garry ‘Ray-Ray’ Nelson is one of the hottest commodities in wrasslin’. Sure, eventually the mouth gets me in trouble and I end up gettin’ fired or somethin’. But till that day, I’ll be the man ya’ll will be thankin’ Dale fer. The money will fall from the sky because the sweet, sweet words I will utter in and around the LevelUp events.



I guess I’m a bit of some type of celebrity. They bring me out ta this nice place called HOW and ask me ta play ping-pong sometimes with my friend SCOTT. They send me ta this PRIME place whenever people need a good verbal shalackin’. But really, my love, my life, everythin’ I ever wanted is right here. I wanna fuckin’ slap people, I wanna beat their asses, and I wanna do it while being loosely controlled by some crazy AI or somethin’.



It’ll be like playin’ Madden on All-Pro. Which is neat, ‘cause I ain’t really an all-pro type of guy. But you know, we’ll get through it, run the ball, pound the paint, do what we do.



Oh shit, I was talkin’ ‘bout Amber ‘gain wasn’t I?



Anyway, yer about as interestin’ as a door knob.



See ya soon darlin’



—---------------------------



I was pretty high staring at the door. Remember when I was talking about looking at things really close? Well yeah, that’s me right now. I’m staring at that door knob, really waiting for it to come to life. I really want it to jump off that wall and start doin’ a dance. But I wasn’t on shrooms or any of them fancy chemicals, so that wasn’t really an option. So I just kept starin’ at it, there’s a lot ta a door knob.



Ya ever take one off a door and look inside? There are all kinds of movin’ parts and shit. Just a bunch of stuff is in there, rods, bearings, stuff that moves when you move other stuff. Shit is pretty complicated, the inner workin’s of a doorknob would be a pretty good episode of ‘How It’s Made.’ Is that show still on? I hope it’s still on, I liked runnin’ across it every once in awhile. Ya know, sittin’ on the couch, smokin a splif, enjoyin’ a Busch Light and just stumblin’ on How It’s Made. That’s a real time killer, days will fuckin’ vanish if they got that shit on as a marathon.





But that door knob can be pretty interestin’ on the inside. Lots of stuff goin’ on, lots of things that are important. Need like a punch and a bunch of other bullshit ta even get started workin’ on one. But as long as the doorknob is functionin’ long as it doesn’t do nothin’ unexpected, long as it doesn’t lose it’s mind and jump off their dancin’ and crowin’ we’re gonna be just fine. Thing ain’t never gonna give ya an issue a lil bit of WD-40 can’t fix.



It’s just gonna keep turnin’, gonna walk up and give it a twist myself, just ta make sure. So I get up off the couch, walk past my photo of Thaddeus Duke and SEB on the wall, and give it a good twist. Works like a fuckin’ charm. I twist it again, and again, and again. Ain’t nothin’ interestin’ about it, prolly could use a good polishin’. It’s that fancy fake brass that doesn’t take much ta tarnish, but that ain’t nothin a little steel wool and some elbow grease can’t fix.



Everyone uses my door knob. Not that knob ya fuckin’ pervert, but like, ya know, anyone who comes over here gives it a spin. They reach down, twist that little knob and away it goes. My wife uses that knob, my Momma uses that knob, pastor Rob uses that knob, my sister Jenny Lynn uses it, I mean I think the mailman has even used it a time or two. I think I got a pizza guy ta use it once.



I mean ya just give it a little twist and waltz on through. Ya prolly don’t even remember the doorknob. Unless it doesn’t do what it always does, ya never seem ta notice it. It never jumps up off the door and grabs ya or anything. But ya know, it’s one a the first things ya do when ya go over ta someone’s house. Ya walk up their step, stand on their porch, give the door a little knock, and then twist that handle baby.



The more I think about Amber, I realize she’s the door handle fer LevelUp. Erryone that comes on in sends in their little application, and then ya get invited ta yer first show. Half the time, it’s ‘gainst Amber fuckin’ Payne. And I see why, I get it now. She’s normal, I mean sure, she thinks she’s a queen yada-yada-yada. But really, everyone just walks in and gives that knob a little twist and the door opens right on up.



This is my chance ta twist the door knob. I mean sure, I’d have loved if the crazy AI machine had put me in a match where I could rekindle my friendship with my bestest friend in the whole world Seb. But that wasn’t meant ta be, maybe they knew we weren’t ready fer it. The Bromance would be too severe. I mean, I might cry when I see him. It’s been so long since the last time I was able ta reach down and hug that man. He’s such a nice feller.



Seb has used a door handle plenty of times. I’m sure he knows how important they are. I mean really, your door handle is the first thing people see when they walk in through the front door. It’s the first taste of yer home other than all the blow up lifesize Dale Earnhardt’s that guard your walkway. Or the Dale Earnhardt Decals.



Shit I need a better door knob. I’m gonna run down ta Home Depot and buy the best fuckin’ door knob I can. I’m gonna run down there and get one, and paint it all up real fuckin’ nice. I’m gonna dress it up with little Dale Earnhardt decals and have it just jump off the page, I’m gonna hand paint that shit on there like I’m a real life artisan.



Baby.



I’m gonna have the best door handle ya ever seen.



Holy shit.



HOLY FUCKING SHIT.



LEVEL UP STOLE MY FUCKING IDEA! YOU SONS OF BITCHES! GET OUT OF MY FUCKIN’ HEAD GIANT COMPUTER MACHINE! I started ta holler, cause I was in a mild panic and I really needed ta feel safe.



“BEEEEEETSY! GEEEEEET THE GOD DAMNED TINFOIL!” My beautiful wife who strangely looks like Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazzard skips out of the back hallway like the queen of my trailer she is. She darts inta the kitchen and comes back with the entire roll. I point ta my brainbox and she gets ta wrappin’. She can tell by my intensity how important this is fer me.



“WRAP IT TIGHT DARLIN! KEEP ‘EM OUT OF MY HEAD!” She nods furiously. I hear the crunch from the foil wrapping engulf my hearing but I’m still stunned that those fucks stole my idea. Go out, and have a real nice painted up door handle. Jesus, they have the Queen of the fucking door handles. It’s painted up perfect, it’s got all the style.



And I gotta knock it the fuck out, because I need ta have the only nice doorhandle in LevelUp.



Sorry Seb, I’ll paint you one almost as nice but I’ll scuff it on the bottom so nobody but me knows its their. Everyone will think you have the best one, but I’ll really know I have the best one. But anyway, the tinfoil wizard finishes the first of my antennas fer my tinfoil helmet and I’m pleased.



“They ain’t gettin’ through there hun,” I pick up my little darlin’ and almost put her head through the ceiling. We live in a nice premium mobile home, so the ceilings are a little low. But I toss her over my shoulder she starts laughin’ at me ‘cause I’m a crazy man.



She’s right, I’m fuckin’ nuts. Nice ta meet ya LevelUp. I’ll see ya’ll soon.



Sorry about the door knob.