Post by Boss Joe on Aug 5, 2021 23:24:11 GMT -5
Hours earlier, the drive-in is empty, except for a lone computer monitor on a podium. Mr. Rad’s voice suddenly appears on it, knowing a camera is on him.
Mr. Rad: You know, I help this company get to eleven episodes. Double digits? And how do they repay me? By getting some old guy to host the show because we just happen to be at a drive in. Like, get with the now, man, you know? I’m normally the host. It’s my gig! You’d think my rad party would be enough for the Developer, but he’s always trying new things.
Mr. Rad switches to a sad face.
Mr. Rad: Just switch to the intro already.
The camera pans to the Last Drive-In trailer where the man himself, Joe Bob Briggs sits. He had a Lone Star beer in his hand and Darcy, sits just opposite of him at a laptop computer. Joe takes a sip of his beer before he begins.
Joe Bob: Hey there, I'm Joe Bob Briggs. Do you remember the days when two men would get into the ring and bear hug for forty minutes while an audience of fifteen watched and cheered? The bear hug. That was a time in wrestling wasn't it? People downplay the bear hug, but there was one wrestler who won over five hundred matches in his career using primarily that move. If you read the press conference in the Leader Post, you'll find he had a few other moves like the 'flying tackle and the flying mare', much more powerful than the regular tackle and the regular mare due to the fact of course they are flying, but most importantly, he used the bear hug. This is significant, of course, because he was in fact a bear.
Joe Bob held up his forefinger.
Joe Bob: Yep, Terrible Ted! Are you familiar with him?
He chuckled to himself as he continued.
Joe Bob: Now Terrible Ted was a 600-pound black bear so when this big sumbitch would bear hug you, he would actually bear hug you, which for him wasn't the language of love but his way of overwhelming his prey before mauling them. I think today we've really softened the image of bears with the teddy bears, Care Bears, Yogi Bear, the Bernstein bears, Bear Grylls - I'm not saying he's not tough, but the man stays in a hotel after the camera wraps, you know that? The fact is, it's worth repeating - this is a seven-foot six-hun'red pound Canadian American black bear. Now, of course he was declawed and defanged which is why people like Gypsy Joe and Mountain Man Managoff were able to pin him. Gypsy Joe and the Mountain Man, how bout them names? Gypsy Joe, as you may know, is actually an early pioneer of what's known today as hardcore wrestling. Legend also has it that Joe is the first wrestler to have leapt off a steel cage onto his opponent. Joe continued to wrestle into his seventies making him the world's oldest wrestler, just going to show you the don't make 'em like they used to. I can't help but wonder how things developed from saying, 'hey, you see the apex predator? Put me in the ring with it, I wanna wrestle' to busting fluorescent tubing and rolling pizza cutters over each other's faces. Anyway, let's get to the Drive-In Totals! We have 0 dead bodies. 0 breasts. Wait, what kinda galldurn movie is this? Is this one of them A24 arthouse flicks, Darcy?
Darcy smiled, looking up from her laptop.
Darcy: No Joe Bob, this is a wrestling show.
Joe Bob looks around himself, confused.
Joe Bob: A wrestling show? Right. Sure we've seen it before, but have we seen it at a Drive-In? Well whatever it takes to keep the lights on. Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen! Here to field your tweets, your emails, your Snapchats, your Myspaces, um..things like that. Anyway, let’s get to those drive-in totals...we have...
Green text appears to the right of Joe Bob that says, 'Drive-In Totals'.
Joe Bob: Zero dead bodies, we hope. Zero breasts. Nine matches. Hoo-boy, that’s a lot. Four tag matches. One preview of a future match...we still aren’t sure what that involves. Fisticuffs. Clown-fu. Astro-Creep-fu. Possible drug paraphernalia. Time travel-fu. One title match. Gratuitous WaLuigi. Drive-in academy award nominations for; Ragdoll, the clown who decided to convince somebody to let me host a wrestling show. Brandon Hendrix who is wrestling for the last time tonight, he says. You know how those rasslers are with retirements. Bert McAlroy, for defending Level Up’s honor against the evil wackos from UGWC, as only a man highly intoxicated can do, if you know what I mean and I think you do. And of course, The Developer, the insane person who brought all this together. Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out, and we’ll check in with you later.
Joe Bob sits for a moment before turning to the crew.
Joe Bob: Have you ever tried to use a pizza cutter? Those things can't cut a Digiorno, let alone human flesh, but maybe I need to pull up a YouTube channel and get some Czechoslovakian to explain to me the right way to use the dern thing. YouTube is such a blessing and curse, innit? Back in my day - why did I say that? 'Back in my day' is what an old man shaking his fist at the neighbors kids for their unattainable youth says, you know? Back in my day.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Joe Bob: I tell you though, back in my day we wrestled bears, drank gunpowder milkshakes, walked a mile in the snow and ate our pizzas uncut, just the way God intended, you know what I mean? Now that we got that cleared up, let's get to the show!
With that we cut to the makeshift announcer area where Arthur La Forge, dressed in his Captain N letterman’s jacket, and tie, and Mary DeSue, cosplaying Elvira...The Mistress of The Dark.
Arthur La Forge: Thank you Joe Bob Briggs..and thank you for tuning in on Twitch to EXP Eleven!
Mary DeSue: Tonight’s gonna be a scream! And here we go!
---
Starting off for the Time Jumpers is Ciela Luiz, and Drew Dangerous starts out for his team. Both go for a lockup with Dangerous gaining the advantage with a headlock, but Luiz pushes him off into the ropes. Dangerous bounces off the ropes, and on the rebound, goes for a flying clothesline, but Luiz slides out of the way. Dangerous pumps on the breaks as Luiz grabs him. Hiptoss! Kick to the back of the head! Crawford runs in going for a superkick but Luiz ducks it. Referee Kirby admonishes Crawford for a moment as Luiz grabs Dangerous and tosses him into the Time Jumpers corner. Fast tag to Vayden. Double Snap DDT!
Arthur La Forge: What a great double team move by “The Time Jumpers”! It’s teamwork like that, that is making them look like contenders for The Multiplayer Championship Power Gloves!
Mary DeSue: They’re so bad...There. I made a reference to something from the eighties. Are you happy?
Arthur La Forge: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
Mary DeSue: You cry whenever you're this close to a woman, Artie…
Arthur La Forge: HEY!
Back in the ring Dangerous is still down as Crawford charges in and goes to hit Vayden with a superkick, but she is intercepted by Luiz with a superkick of her own! Referee Kirby starts shouting at both Luiz and Crawford as Luiz rolls Crawford out of the ring. Luiz runs to the ropes just as Vayden gets up and runs the opposite way. Criss Cross!! Luiz leaps over the top ropes and hits "Unicorn Horn" on the outside right on top of Crawford! Just as the cars at the drive in honk their horns with approval for that aireal display Vayden runs and leaps up to the top rope and jumps off. As Dangerous gets up, still stunned, he turns and gets caught in the top rope version of "Back to the Future"! Cover by Vayden!
One...
Two...
THREE!!
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners...The team of Ciela Luiz and Makayla Vayden...The Time Jumpers!!!
Arthur La Forge: A criss cross into finishing moves by both members of “The Time Jumpers”! A great win for Ciela and Makayla.
Mary DeSue: Dangerous obviously misjudged their teamwork. A simple slip up. I think he’ll be back on her feet. If he had gotten to Crawford this would be a totally different story.
The cars keep honking and we hear woo's from the fans in attendance as the Time Jumpers celebrate in the ring and enjoy watching themselves on the big screen at the drive in.
---
Before the bell, Ahmya takes the time to undo her Multiplayer Championship glove and hand it over to Ref Kirby. Jennifer watches on intently, and as Ahmya turns to hand the glove over, she is clubbed from behind - Jennifer has grown tired of waiting! As the bell rings to officially start the match, Jennifer stomps viciously on the Japanese fighter, then lifts her up and whips her off the ropes. Ahmya rebounds and Jennifer drops her head looking for a back body drop, but with impressive athleticism Ahmya executes a beautiful roll over her back! The Multiplayer Champion lands on her feet, and without missing a beat Williams charges at her - but is caught with an arm drag! And another! This time she is caught with a picture perfect dropkick! Knocked to the mat, Jennifer rolls out of the ring to recover.
Arhur LaForge: Jennifer Williams comes out of the gate aggressive but Ahmya proves more than resilient enough to withstand the initial onslaught
Mary DeSue: What about her initial onslaught on my stomach? It's sick knowing she kisses that....THING that smokes!
Arhur LaForge: No one cares, Mary.
But Jennifer is given little time to regroup, as almost instantly Ahmya is flying through the air, connecting with a suicide plancha! The crowd cheer after the high-risk maneuver, and Ahmya wastes no time in rolling Jennifer back into the ring. Ahmya slides in after her and makes the cover.
Arhur LaForge: BIG DIVE! THIS COULD BE IT!
ONE!
Despite the early punishment Jennifer is able to kick out at one, showing she still has quite a bit left in the tank. Knowing she has to keep the high flyer grounded, Ahmya quickly mounts Jennifer and attempts to lock in an Ezekiel Choke! The unique mounted submission showcases her hybrid wrestling style and Jiu Jitsu knowledge. Realising she has to escape before the hold is fully locked in, Williams desperately begins headbutting Ahmya! The brutal strikes force Ahmya to back up to a point where Jennifer is able to kick her off. Both women to their feet, and Ahmya attempts to keep the initiative but is caught by a kick to the gut from Williams. Jennifer whips Ahmya to the ropes, and ducks her forearm on the rebound, running past her to the opposite ropes. Using her agility, Jennifer springs off the bottom rope and connects with a well-timed springboard moonsault!
Mary DeSue: That’s right, Dream Queen! Kill Mrs. Stoner!!
Feeling the momentum, Jennifer lifts Ahmya into a snap suplex which plants her on the mat. Keeping control of her opponent, Lady Dream transitions to a waistlock and dumps Ahmya on her head with another suplex, this time a German! She completes these trio of moves by springing off the ropes yet again, this time re-introducing Ahmya to the taste of the mat with a springboard bulldog! Finally Jennifer makes the cover.
Arhur LaForge: Big bulldog! This could do it!
ONE!
TWO!
Ahmya manages to kick out despite the multiple impacts to her head. Still with the ascension, Jennifer pulls Ahmya to her feet by her hair, before leading her over to the corner and driving her face-first into the top turnbuckle. Williams lifts Ahmya up to the top rope, then climbs up there with her. Ahmya attempts to fight her off but Jennifer fires back with some right hands over own. Now in the standing position while Ahmya is still seated, Williams leaps up and in one swift motion, delivers a hurricanrana from the top rope! BUT WAIT, AHMYA LANDS ON HER FEET! Having avoided the devastating move, Ahmya quickly scales Jennifer’s back and delivers a hurracanrana over her own, a REVERSE RANA! The impact leaves both women on the mat, with Ahmya still recovering from the earlier exchange.
Arhur LaForge: What a match! Big back and forth between these two fine athletes who are a credit to this roster!
Mary DeSue: They're both taken, simp.
Arhur LaForge: I resent your implication and hope you lose 'gram followers over it.
Mary DeSue: You...scruffy looking...nerfherder!
Rising to their feet, they begin exchanging punches. Ahmya feels at home in the striking contest, and lands a big crescent kick to the side of Jennifer’s head! Lady Dream stumbles back to the ropes, but manages to keep her footing. She fires back with a beautiful step-up enziguri which rocks Ahmya! She too manages to stay standing with the assistance of the ropes, and counters with a brutal yakuza kick! This finally knocks Jennifer to the mat, as the force of the blow is just too much. Seizing the opportunity, Ahmya lifts her up and hooks her leg, flipping her over into a fisherman’s suplex with a bridge!
ONE!
TWO!
THR-JENNIFER KICKS OUT!
Arhur LaForge: Another near fall! Williams is proving her toughness tonight against one half of the multiplayer champs!!
Ahmya is shocked that Lady Dream was able to power out after that one-two, and checks with Ref Kirby to make sure it was only two. But she knows she can’t dwell on the near fall, she has to stay on the attack. Ahmya stomps on Jennifer and then pulls her over to the corner. Making her way up the turnbuckle, and then on to the top rope, Ahmya steadies herself to deliver a 360 foot stomp - HAIL’S BLESSING! But before she can leap off, Williams rolls to her feet and hits the ropes, preventing the move. She climbs up to the top rope and the women begin fighting for supremacy! Finally a vicious headbutt causes Jennifer to fall back to the mat. Ahmya leaps off and connects with the HAIL’S BLESSING! Cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING!
Mr. Rad: Here is your winner, AHMYA!
Arthur LaForge: Well it wasn't easy, but Ahmya keeps her hot streak alive, improving now to a record of 4-1!
Mary DeSue: Gag me.
Arthur LaForge: Well maybe this will cheer you up Mary...we got a coming attraction!
---
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: In a world where an independent wrestling company and video games collide. One man...well...he's lost his damn mind...
We see a man in the shadows.
Man in the Shadows with distorted voice: I've lost my damn mind...
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: That's what I said...
Man in the Shadows with distorted voice: MUAHAHAHAHA...
We cut to shots of "The Platformer" high up in the sky, at night, with spotlights highlighting the ring in the top cage, the rest of the triple cage heading to the top is blacked out. The contents of that challenge covered all the way to the base cage. In front of the first cage shows a obstacle course heading towards it. Generic Waluigis start trying to make it past the showcase of the first challenge.
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: More Twisted than Metal!
We see a Waluigi try to jump from small platforms to small platforms and suddenly a fireball leaps up between the small platforms and burns his butt.
Generic Waluigi: WAHHH WOWOWOWOOW...
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: So Fatal it's Fury!
We see another Generic Waluigi running across a slim bridge when suddenly a block from out of the back of the wall and sends the Generic Waluigi into the water below.
Generic Waluigi: *Gargled Wahhhh*
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: This is only part one...can you survive "The Gauntlet"
We see another Generic Waluigi running. He leaps up and grabs a rope and swings across another water trap. He keeps running when suddenly we cut to a metalic...blue turtle shell flying in the air...It hits and explodes sending Generic Waluigi back down onto the mats to prevent him from landing on the street...
Generic Waluigi: *coughs and smoke comes out*
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins:...Did that mother fucker just use a Blue Shell...DICK!
We cut over to see a Tarman Zombie Like Waluigi sitting on top of a giant shell shooter cannon.
TarUigi: WAHHHH BRAINZZZ!!!
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins:...This place is fucking weird!
We cut to TarUigi laughing as he fires more variety of objects towards Waluigis running "The Gauntlet".
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: Coming soon...to a title match near you...THE PLATFORMER!...So when do I get paid for this?
TarUigi turns and fires another blue shell at the camera.
TarUigi: WAHHH BRAINZZZ!!
This Match Has Not Been Rated. Viewer Discretion Advised. Sorry No C.O.D...
---
Mary DeSue: Up next, Teddy Warren dies.
Arhur LaForge: MARY!!!...ok yeah i don't like his chances either
Beaming from ear to ear, the excitable Teddy Warren looks pumped to be facing off against The Messiah, while Hendrix stares him down. In a gesture of good sportsmanship, Teddy extends his hand to the monster across from him. He calls for The Messiah to come and shake his hand. Looking down at Teddy’s extended hand and back up to his goofy grin, Hendrix slowly steps forward and shakes his hand. They shake several times, and then Teddy goes to pull his hand away...but he can’t! The Messiah begins to squeeze the life out of Teddy’s hand with a vice-like grip. Teddy’s eyes are bulging out of his head as he screams in pain, but there’s nothing he can do! Hendrix pulls Teddy towards him and lifts him up into a spinning powerslam facebuster, END OF DAYS!
Mary DeSue: I love when I'm right.
Arthur LaForge: The developer won't like this if Teddy is seriously hurt...
Satisfied with his handiwork, Brandon drops down to make the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING!
Mr Rad: Here is your winner, The Messiah...BRANDON HENDRIX!
Arthur LaForge: Well that was short, let’s hope these ads by our sponsors NORD VPN and RAID SHADOW LEGENDS are shorter!!
Mary DeSue: You [bleep]ing shill....
--
Arthur La Forge: We go now to the back for a quick interview with…The Faction.
The Faction are standing outside of the boiler room In the depths of the arena.
Lenny Brasco: James, Last week we saw the shock return of your nemesis….Adam Miller. The look on your face was a classic moment.
The interviewer begins to chuckle.
Lenny Brasco: Tonight the Faction go up against Adam and a tag team you lost to last week. How do you plan on approaching this one?
James Wilcox curls the right corner of his top lip. His nostrils begin to flare. The anger on his face is clear.
James Wilcox: You see the problem last week was us. The Faction. Were taken by surprise. I’ve said it all week. It takes a special kind of stupidity to get into the ring with a group of men that have broken bones. This week Miller’s little surprise attack won’t be a factor and by the end of tonight I promise you all everyone will know that damage the Faction can do. I’m sick of hearing about Miller already. It's time to end it. Adam Miller. I challenge you to a Chairs match at the next pay per view. I want this in concrete A.S.A.P so next week I want those contracts signed!!! Publicly! There will be no ducking this one!
The Faction all stare into the camera and chant in unison
The Faction: In absentia lucis, Tenebrae vincunt.
The lights go out and the Factions music begins to play on in the distance.
---
Ragdoll grins at her competition, making sure they see the shirt she is wearing, which reads “Honorary Creep.” All three circle each other with the larger Raab attempting to close the distance on his smaller opponents. Which he does immediately by grabbing Jenny by the head and hitting a European uppercut with enough force to knock her down. Ragdoll attempts some forearms to the face but she gets a European uppercut as well with the same result. Raab then kicks her in the head while she's down for good measure. He turns around and suddenly Jenny leaps up and snaps off a Jennycanrana, that sends him sprawling into the nearest turnbuckle. She motions for Ragdoll to help her but Jaclyn decides to punch her in the face instead, before giving an Irish Whip that causes Queenie to ricochet off the opposite turnbuckle.
Arthur La Forge: All three are taking their shots and raising hell!
Mary DeSue: This is like Freddy versus Jason versus...It? I’m sorry is that offensive to weirdo clowns...oh yeah. I don’t care.
Ragdoll then runs in with Raab stunned and gives him a knee to the face in the corner. She tries the same to Jenny, who gets her feet up to stop it. Jenny then runs at Ragdoll, who hoists her up in the air and causes her to land on Raab, so she flips backward and flips him over with another Jennycanrana! Raab rolls to the outside to recover and Ragdoll rushes at Jenny, who ducks a forearm attempt and hits a kick to the hamstring. She then hits a bitchslap to the face, followed by another kick. Jenny then grabs the head and tries for the Crowning, but Ragdoll pivots her hips and drops Queenie on the back of her head with a Saito suplex!
Arthur La Forge: Oof! That had to hurt Jenny’s head with that devastating suplex.
Mary DeSue: Don’t hit her in the head...you’ll not damage anything. Like hitting Artie in the balls.
Arthur La Forge: That would hurt my feelings if I actually had self esteem.
Mary DeSue:...Wow...
Ragdoll sees Raab getting up on the outside, so she immediately slides out and runs at him on the apron, connecting with a penalty kick to the head! With Raab briefly gone again, she jumps back in the ring and surprises Jenny with a HARD lariat that knocks her back down! She covers!
One!
Two! No! Jenny gets her shoulder up. So Ragdoll hoists her up and grabs her by the head, attemping the PUNCHLINE, but Jenny shoves her off and rolls to the outside! Jenny laughs at her, so Ragdoll gives chase and Jenny slides back into the ring, and as Jacky follows her in, Jenny flips forward and hits a leg drop to the face! Now Jenny covers the clown!
One!
Two! NO! Raab breaks it up!
Arthur La Forge: Raab barely broke up that count in the nick of time.
Mary DeSue: I thought all, like, slasher dudes could teleport and shit.
Arthur La Forge: He’s not a Slasher...
Mary DeSue: Look at that ring. Look at a horror movie. Am. I. (bleep)ing. Wrong?!
Raab stomps away at Ragdoll in anger for keeping him out of the match before turning his attention to Jenny. He launches her chest first into the nearest corner and she crumbles down to the mat. He then runs and scoops up Ragdoll, tossing her behind him with a German suplex! He turns back to Jenny and simply throws her out of the ring, before looking back at Ragdoll...whose arms suddenly go into the air. She then follows them upward, as though she were a puppet being pulled back to her feet! Raab stares in confusion even as Jacky puts a thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers...before KICKING HIM LOW after some Slapstick! Ragdoll, having found the Monster's weakness is similar to a normal man, charges at Raab, only to find out HE IS NO ORDINARY MAN! Raab ties her up and hits a half and half suplex!
Arthur La Forge: Oof! Ragdoll’s plan backfired there.
Mary DeSue: Does she look like someone with a plan?
Arthur La Forge: Well...I did see her chasing cars while people were coming into the drive-in...
Raab goes for the cover!
One!
Two!
Thr--NO! Ragdoll kicks out! Raab pulls her to her feet and grabs her around the throat for a chokeslam, so Jacky reaches in and twists his mask to obscure his vision! While Raab tries to adjust, she hits him with various kicks, then a jumping knee to the face, then she grabs the arm and ripcords out for ANOTHER knee to the face and RAAB GOES DOWN! Ragdoll covers!
ONE!
TWO!
Queenie breaks it up!
Arthur La Forge: This match has more breakups than Mary’s facebook status.
Mary DeSue: SHUT. YOUR. FACE!
Jenny backs Ragdoll up into the ropes before tossing her to the opposite side. As Raggy comes back, Jenny begins to hit arm drag after arm drag after arm drag, basically tossing Ragdoll around and making her dizzy, before she hits a low dropkick! Raab is back up and she gets one on him as well! She grabs the monster by the mask and Ragdoll by the hair, dropping them BOTH with facebusters! A double BOW DOWN! She covers Raab first!
One!
Two!
No! He kicks out, so she covers Ragdoll!
One!
Two!
NO! She kicks out as well!
Arthur La Forge: Double kickouts!
Mary DeSue: Double the Ughhhh!! Is this match over yet! I wanna get to my Thiccness...He might enjoy my cleavage in my outfit.
Arthur La Forge: (stares for a moment) I mean...I...OH LOOK. THINGS HAPPENING IN THE RING!
Jenny is seemingly frustrated so she backs Ragdoll up into a corner and lifts her up top. She climbs up with her and hops up, hoping to get a Jennycanrana off the top, but Ragdoll holds on! Jenny pulls herself back up and gets out of the rana position, but now the two of them are battling on the top turnbuckle...BEFORE RAAB CLIMBS UP AND EASILY TOSSES THEM BACK INTO THE RING WITH A DOUBLE SUPERPLEX! All three wrestlers are down! Raab, to the surprise of no one, is the first up and he covers Ragdoll!
ONE!
TWO!
Thr--NO! She kicks out!
Arthur La Forge: Missed it by that much...
Mary DeSue: When did you get smart?
Arthur La Forge: When? I mean...I’ve always been smart.
Mary DeSue: Well one part of you is and it’s not your brain...
Lord Raab hit his head hard on the landing and clutches it as he gets to his feet. He reaches down and grabs Jenny and puts her up top, before attempting to hook her for a hanging Killerbuster! Jenny manages to BITE the crown of his head to force him to back off, before kicking him hard in the chin to stun him. She then jumps off the top and hits a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS! But LORD RAAB gets right back up, and Jenny snatches the head and yanks him down INTO THE CROWNING!
ONE!
TWO!
THR---Ragdoll breaks it up!
Arthur La Forge: Stolen by the clown of chaos!
Mary DeSue: Sidroy’s gotta be worried at this point. Whoever wins this match is going to be his problem at the Pay Per View!
Ragdoll yanks Jenny's arms up and tries to hit the Killing Joke, but the Queen Machine wriggles free and behind Jacky! ENTER THE MACHINE! Ragdoll is planted face first! Jenny gets up and grins at getting one over on the Ragdoll...BUT LORD RAAB RISES BEHIND HER! Jenny turns around and gets goozled, CHOKEINATOR ON TOP OF RAGDOLL! Raab yanks Queenie up to her feet! KILLERBUSTER! Raab covers!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!!
Mr. Rad: HERE is your winner and the #1 contender for the Wisdom Championship.....LOOOOOOORD RAAAAAAAB!
ISAAC, meanwhile, reaches through the ropes and pulls out Jenny, who just suffered a beating, and just for the hell of it, hits the HEADHUNTER on the floor!
Arthur La Forge: COME ON! That was unnecessary!
ISAAC then reaches in and grabs the clown, putting her on his shoulder and carrying her to the back. Raab, meanwhile, looks on as he celebrates his win.
Arthur La Forge: And our resident Monster of a Man continues on his path of destruction!
Mary DeSue: And it’s going right to Sidroy’s title next!
Arthur La Forge: Now that’s a coming attraction that will definitely have everyone on their feet. Speaking of on your feet. Let’s send it over back to Job Bob Briggs!
---
The camera opens up to Joe Bob, once again sitting outside his trailer.
Joe Bob: Are we ever going to have a Jaclyn Pierrot match that does not include some form of nut shot?
Darcy: It's her thing, Joe Bob. She's a nut with a gun.
Joe Bob: A nut with a gun. Have ya ever thought of doing standup?
Darcy smiles back at Joe, shrugging her shoulders.
Darcy: Once or twice. Hey Joe, do you think Lord Raab's new throne will be a bag of ice?
Joe Bob: You think he may have a secret mangled dick?
Darcy: Not likely, but you never know, Joe. Maybe we should call the expert?
Joe Bob: Good idea! Let's give the mangled dick expert and Scream Queen herself, Felissa Rose a call!
Joe Bob lifts up the receiver on the phone which sits on the table beside him, pressing a button.
Felissa: Hello?
Joe Bob: Hey Felissa, it's Joe Bob, I know you know a bit about taking a shot to the nuts.
Felissa: Well, not from first hand experience.
Joe Bob: Yeah, well of course not, but you've seen your share of mangled dicks before.
Felissa: And not so mangled.
Joe Bob: I bet. So Felissa, Lord Raab, mangled dick or no?
Felissa: I would say close but definitely no?
Joe Bob: No? I know I shouldn't ask but I just gotta know: how can you tell?
Felissa: A man like Lord Raab? A flesh wound isn't going to hurt a man like that.
Joe Bob: Thanks Felissa.
Joe Bob hangs up the phone.
Joe Bob: Well there it is, Darcy. Now that we've cleared it up, we can say it official: Lord Raab does not have a mangled dick.
Darcy: Yay for unmangled dicks!
Darcy stands up and raises a t-shirt cannon and turns to the audience.
Darcy: Who wants a t-shirt?
The audience cheers and Darcy fires off a shirt into the audience. Joe Bob stares at her open mouthed while she sits down.
Joe Bob: What was that, Darcy?
Darcy: We're celebrating Raab not having a mangled dick, Joe Bob! Nobody wants a mutilated penis.
Joe cringes.
Joe Bob: Whoa, nobody said the word mutilated. We gotta stop saying that.
Darcy: Mutilated dicks?
Joe Bob holds up a hand to indicate stopping while he takes a sip of his beer.
Joe Bob: Well, now that we've got that cleared up, let's get back to enduring the other half of this show.
The camera begins to zoom out and Joe Bob turns back to Darcy.
Joe Bob: Mangled. They're mangled.
He clutches his groin and gives an empathetic shudder.
---
---
Sidroy and Dude Waluigi stand in the ring facing each other as Referee Kirby holds up the Level Up Wisdom Title as the opening bell rings. Sidroy starts trash talking Dude as Dude holds out his hand to shake it. Barnabus applauds this display of sportsmanship as Sidroy slaps Dude's hand. Dude shakes it off and holds out his hand again. Smiling. Sidroy yells at Dude and slaps him across the face. Dude nods and holds out his hand one last time as Sidroy rares back to punch Dude. Dude sees it coming and quickly changes his outstretched hand into a chop motion and starts chopping Sidroy in the chest! Push to the ropes. Bounce off and throw by Dude sending Sidroy across to the ropes on the other side. Dude charges towards Sidroy. Sidroy stops and sets up for a back body drop, but Dude drops, back first, down onto the mat and slaps Sidroy in the face!
Arthur La Forge: Oh no...
Mary DeSue: He didn’t! Dude...you done (bleep)ed around and you’re about to find out!
Sidroy backs up to the ropes and holds his hand up to his face. He pulls back and we see Sidroy's nose is bleeding slightly. Dude kips up and makes a "just bring it" motion getting the cars at the drive-in to start honking their horns. Barnabus yells at Dude not to antagonize Sidroy, but it's to late. This Besmirchment will not stand! Sidroy charges forward and he and Dude start exchanging rights and lefts over and over and over again much to the crowd's enjoyment. Sidroy finally gains an advantage after dodging one of Dude's wild left punches and quickly goes to the ropes. On the rebound he clocks Dude with a devastating running european uppercut sending the hippie Waluigi down to the mat. Followed by a quick kick to the side of the head, and then a jumping knee strike to the same area. Sidroy wipes more blood from his nose as he picks up Dude and picks him up for a powerbomb...HE TOSSES DUDE WALUIGI NECK FIRST ONTO THE TURNBUCKLE POST!!!
Arthur La Forge: Dude Waluigi’s neck could have snapped from that shot!
Mary DeSue: It’s his own fault! He tried to slap Siddy like he owed him money.
Dude lays on the mat for a moment before rolling out as Sidroy basks in the hatred of the fans for a moment. Barnabus goes to check on Dude as Referee Kirby starts to do his count...
One...
Two...
Three...
Sidroy is not going to win this by countout as he charges to the ropes and leaps through the third and second rope hitting a suicide dive on Dude! Dude shoves Barnabus out of the way at the last second and takes the brunt of the assault.
One...
Two...
Three...
Four...
Sidroy grabs Dude and puts him into a fireman's carry. Sidroy starts to climb the top turnbuckle. Barnabus begs him not to do this as Sidroy hits a top rope "Pentalty Kick" sending Dude down to the mat breaking the count and possibly parts of his body. Sidroy stands for a moment on the top turnbuckle and leaps off..."THE COVINGTON CAVE-IN!!"
Arthur La Forge: OOF! My ribs hurt from that double stomp from the top turnbuckle!
Mary DeSue: This is why Sidroy makes a great Wisdom Champion though Artie. Look at him. He figured out a great way to hit two of his trademark moves in a row in a matter of seconds. He’s smarter than that Waluigi could ever dream to be!
Sidroy drags Dude to the middle of the ring and slaps on "The Fortune Favors the Bold '' submission hold! Dude screams out in pain as Sidroy locks it in. The crowd start honking their horns and making all kinds of noise as Dude tries to shimmy and crawl his way to the ropes while Sidroy twists and pulls to try and make the most popular of the Waluigi's tap out. Barnabus yells at Sidroy to stop tormenting Dude, but that just makes Sidroy madder. Dude's arm is outstretched, almost touching the ropes and it falls. Referee Kirby grabs Dude's hand and holds it up...and it falls...
One...
Two...
TH-NOOOO!! Dude reaches out and grabs the bottom rope forcing Sidroy to break the hold. Sidroy takes his five count and lets go, but stomps on Dude's head as he backs away for a moment.
Arthur La Forge: Dude Waluigi is not giving up!
Mary DeSue: He’s an idiot! He hasn’t got a chance of beating Sidroy!
Arthur La Forge: He’s already beat him once.
Mary DeSue: Look. Just because you see yourself in the friend slash loser zone like him Artie doesn’t mean, when it counts, that Dude Waluigi is gonna win at anything...just like you!
Sidroy runs back to the ropes and bounces off. Referee Kirby checks on Dude as Dude gets up. Dude drops down real quick to avoid the "Pele Kick" from Sidroy and the resulting collision takes both wrestlers down and takes Kirby down to the mat. Barnabus yells at both Sidroy and Dude to get up. Dude rolls out of the ring holding his neck and head as Barnabus checks on him. Sidroy rolls out next and with the referee still out no one is making a count! Sidroy grabs Dude and Irish Whips him into a car close to ringside! Sidroy grabs Dude and lifts him up in a brainbuster and drops him head first onto the hood of a car!
Arthur La Forge: There is no need for this! Come on Kirby! Get up!
Mary DeSue: No ref. No disqualifications. Again. Smart.
Sidroy picks up Dude again and looks to go for the brainbuster again, but Barnabus shoves him! Sidroy stops and yells at Barnabus and Barnabus yells back at Sidroy to "finish this now"! Sidroy looks at Barnabus and down at Dude. A conflict seems to arise in the Wisdom Champion as he grabs Dude and tosses him under the bottom rope into the ring. He drags Dude to the center and shakes Kirby. Kirby gets up and Sidroy slaps "The Fortune Favors the Bold" on once more. Dude is out...
One...
Two...
THREE!!
Mr. Rad: Here is your winner and STILL Your Level Up Wisdom Champion...Sidroy Covington The Fourthhhh!!!
Arthur La Forge: Sidroy wins, but at what a cost to Dude Waluigi!
Mary DeSue: Hey! It could have been worse if Barnabus didn’t take pity on that loser!
EMT's rush out to check on Dude Waluigi as Barnabus gets in the ring with the Wisdom Title. He hands it to Sidroy who holds it up to the crowd, who boo's, and then stares at his manservant. There is a long stare down between them as the EMT's get Dude Waluigi on the gurney. Sidroy turns his back on Barnabus and walks away...and Barnabus turns to check on Dude Waluigi. Sidroy rubs his nose and his face as he walks up the ramp. He stops to look back at Barnabus and then gets a stern look on his face. He bolts to the back.
Arthur La Forge: A rough win for Sidroy. Even though he retained you gotta wonder if he just lost something dear to him.
Mary DeSue: He’s lost nothing he can’t replace. Barnabus wants to throw his lot in with a loser like Dude Waluigi that’s his own fault.
---
The match kicks off with James Wilcox and Adam Miller in the ring, sizing one another up as their teammates watch on. The two technically-gifted wrestlers are giving nothing away as they lock up several times, neither man gaining a clean advantage. James finally pulls Adam onto the mat with a side headlock, but the Prodigal Son counters with a head scissors, squeezing the Wizard’s throat between his solid legs. The Faction’s leader tries valiantly to free himself from the hold but Miller refuses to budge. Using his upper body strength, Wilcox gets to his feet, his head still trapped in the scissors, and flips over into a bridge pin.
Arthur LaForge: Lot of history here and you could feel it in the initial exchange
Mary DeSure: PAY ATTENTION AND HYPE THE PIN ARTY!!
ONE!
Arthur LaForge: I'm not hyping a one count
Miller kicks out, and in doing so finally breaks the hold. Free at last, James lunges at Adam, looking for a clothesline, but he ducks and takes him down with a drop toehold! Instantly seizing the opportunity, Miller grabs Wilcox’s arm and attempts to lock in a crippler crossface - THE CROSS?! NO! James frantically elbows the Prodigal Son off of him to avoid being trapped in the deadly submission hold. Both men get to their feet, and this time Adam attempts to take his opponent down with a forearm, but Wilcox counters by grabbing his feet and dropping him to the mat. The Wizard plants his foot between Miller’s legs, looking to lock in a SHARPSHOOTER! Before it can be properly applied, Adam manages to kick him off, avoiding the hold.
Arthur LaForge: Adam Miller looks rejuvenated upon his return, and he's putting up a stronger fight now against the faction than before.
Mary DeSue: Yeah ok but he's still gonna lose. look at the size of them!!
The two grapplers stare at each other from opposite corners of the ring, neither breaking eye contact. The staring contest is interrupted by ISAAC, who tags himself in with a clubbing slap to his leader’s back. The monstrous man clambers over the top rope and makes a beeline for the Prodigal Son! At the last second Adam dives out of the way, sending ISAAC hurtling into his team’s corner. ISAAC clubs them both with a double-clothesline, sending the Chef and Dionysus hurtling to the outside.Feeling happy with his handiwork, ISAAC smirks for a moment before turning around into a running knee strike from Adam! The big man doubles over, clutching his stomach, and Miller drops him on the mat with a big DDT! He hooks the leg!
Arthur LaForge: HEAD SPIKED! DDT! THIS COULD BE IT!!
ONE!
TWO!
ISAAC powers out of the pin, pushing the Prodigal Son into the air! He crashes down to the mat and rolls over to his corner, looking for a tag...but no one is there! Looking to the outside, Adam realises the other members of The Faction have been brawling with the Chef and Dionysus! Before he can react, he is grabbed from behind. ISAAC lifts him into a military press! Walking over to the side of the ring, he hurls Miller to the outside, who crashes onto all four competitors! It’s a car wreck on the outside as bodies are strewn everywhere. The crowd begin to grow in pitch as ISAAC looks to the destruction on the outside, and then at the turnbuckle. The big man shrugs, and climbs up to the top rope. Just as the remaining five get to their feet, ISAAC leaps into the air looking for a massive double axe handle! And he connects with them all...or does he?! No! At the last moment Adam, Chef and Dionysus shove The Faction members directly into the path of ISAAC, who practically squashes them in the huge impact!
Arthur LaForge: Now that's team work!
Mary DeSue: Why don't I get to be squished by the thicc boys?
Arthur LaForge: Jesus christ, Mary
Taking advantage of the carnage, the makeshift team roll ISAAC - still the legal man - into the ring, and begin to work him over as Ref Kirby struggles to get control of the match. Grabbing him from behind, Andre and Dionysus lift ISAAC into a double back suplex! This is followed by Miller, who leaps off the top rope with a top rope moonsault! Cover!
Mary DeSue: Oh look a flippy move with a pin. I bet someone breaks it up
ONE!
TWO!
THR-BROKEN UP BY THE FACTION!
Mary DeSue: I'm getting good at this
The Wilcox brothers break up the pin, and the two teams begin brawling in the middle of the ring! The ref tries to get in between the warring sides but it’s practically impossible. Dionysus ducks a forearm by Wilcox and connects with a huge rainmaker - GRAPEVINE! The impact of the blow knocks the Wizard to the floor and sends him rolling out of the ring. The God of Revelry dusts himself off but turns right into a chokehold by Drake! The younger Wilcox plants Dionysus with a huge double-handed chokeslam! He goes for the cover, forgetting that the businessman is not the legal man! Before Ref Kirby can point this out, Chef Andre lands on Drake’s back with an elbow drop from the top rope, JUST DESSERTS!
Arthur LaForge: DINNER IS SERVED TO THE FACTION!!
With both teams pulling out all the stops, it seems like the end is near, but for who? Chef gets to his feet but is knocked to the ground by a big boot from ISAAC! He grabs him and tosses him out of the ring with ease. This leaves just The Faction’s muscle and Adam Miller in the ring - the two legal men! The Prodigal Son motions for him to BRING IT ON! ISAAC lunges at Miller, who targets the big man’s knee with a dropkick! He drops to a knee, giving Adam the chance to land a huge pele kick! This knocks ISAAC to the mat, and Miller pounces to lock in THE CROSS! With all the other members of The Faction laid out, there’s no one to help ISAAC! He tries to roll Adam over, but he rolls through and keeps the hold locked in! Eventually ISAAC has no choice but to tap out!!
Arthur LaForge: ADAM MADE THE SECOND BIGGEST FACTION GUY TAP!!
Mary DeSue: IS THERE NO JUSTICE FOR THICC BOIS?!
DING DING DING!
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners...Adam Miller, Dionysus and Chef Andre Poêlon!
Arthur La Forge: Another rough night for “The Faction”.
Mary DeSue: This isn’t over! Not by a long shot!
---
As we're reaching the end of the show, we hit our second to last Multiplayer match of the night as "Old School Cool" Don Tirri teams up with "Commander" Duncan Shephard to take on Larry Tact and "The Raging Storm" Sah'ta Thor. The bell rings as starting off in the ring is Shephard and Tact. Both men circle the ring before locking up. Tact pushes Duncan into the corner, resulting the referee to start counting.
One…
Two…
Three…
FO...
Tact lets go and goes for a punch but Shephard ducks under it and he proceeds to start punching the mid section of Larry before running back to the opposite side of the ring and then runs up and nails a nasty European uppercut to the chin of Tact. He runs off the ropes and hits another European Uppercut that sends Tact out of the ring. Duncan stares outside of the ring and demands Larry get back into the ring to fight. Larry, caught off guard by the flurry of attacks, immediately gets into the ring. Duncan runs for another European Uppercut, but Larry steps to the side and blasts Duncan with a jumping knee strike to the jaw, catching Duncan by surprise which allows Tact to grab Shephard in a back suplex position but changes it mid move to a neckbreaker before covering Duncan.
Arthur La Forge: Larry Tact is showing he might be one to be a future challenge for Duncan’s Power Title in the future!
Mary DeSue: Damn it Shepard! Tag in “The Thiccness”!!
One…
Two…
And Duncan gets the shoulder up. Tact drags Shephard over to his corner and tags in Thor. Sah'ta Thor enters the ring and starts stomping away at the mid section of Duncan Shepard before jumping off the ropes and hitting a knee right in the mid section of Duncan and covering him again.
Arthur La Forge: This is a good strategy keeping Shepard away from Tirri.
Mary DeSue: You’re just saying that cause you don’t want “The Thiccness” to show his stuff!
One…
Two...
And Duncan kicks out once again. Thor grabs Duncan's legs and flips him over into a Boston Crab, sitting on his back and applying pressure to his midsection by then placing him in a modified Boston Crab. Duncan struggles as he reaches, trying to see if he can crawl to the ropes, but ends up elbowing the ankle of Thor then starts punching his knee, finally getting Thor to turn the move over. Shepard then kicks Sah'ta off him and kips up, catching Thor with a hurricanrana, sending him into the turnbuckle face first. Duncan starts crawling towards Tirri, who has his hand extended out for the tag. Duncan itches towards his team side of the ring before leaping up and tagging in Don. Tirri enters the ring and catches a jumping Thor in a bearhug before ramming him back first into the turnbuckle. He starts jamming his knees into the midsection of Thor before grabbing him in a bear hug again and tosses him overhead for a belly to belly suplex. Larry enters the ring and goes for the Tactical Surrender but Tirri flips him off his body. He runs off the ropes looking for a big boot, but Larry ducks it. Larry runs at Tirri but gets Speared by Duncan. Thor ends up biting Tirri’s forehead, sending him to the corner of the ring where he faces Duncan. Thor double chops the throat of Shephard hitting a roundhouse kick to the back of his head. Thor grabs ahold of Duncan's head and goes to punch him, but Tirri runs up and nails a nasty running big boot to the head of Thor, dropping him. Duncan holds the side of his head and looks at Tirri before running and diving over the ropes and lands on Larry.
Arthur La Forge: Duncan goes for the Suicide Dive to keep Tact out of the equation!
Mary DeSue: Come on! “FINNISH HIM”!!!
Arthur La Forge: Really Mary?!
Mary DeSue: Then come over here and finnish me!!
Tirri lifts up Thor and grabs him by the head, and he starts repeatedly heatbutting Sah'ta over and over again, each headbutt dropping Thor to the mat below. Tirri stops and stares at the crowd before placing his arms into an x pose and brings them to the side, saying it's over. He flips Thor over and mounts him for a Camel Clutch, instead applying a sleeper hold instead. Sah'ta Thor fights and fights, trying to move, but he seems to be fading before finally tapping out to Tirri and the bell rings.
DING DING DING
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners…”The Commander” Duncan Shepard and “Old School Cool” Don Tirri!
Arthur La Forge: A submission win for Tirri and Shepard! Shepard really took one for the team with that dive and Tirri followed through. I’m surprised there wasn’t a breakdown here honestly.
Mary DeSue: Oh something broke all right...Can you hand me that needle and thread there.
Arthur La Forge: What broke Ma...Oh...OHHH!! Here…
Mary DeSue: How does Elvira keep the girls from escaping this damn outfit?
---
EA and Eli start the match which instantly gets the crowd into it. EA gives Eli a disappointed smile, shaking his head as he begins taunting Eli over their match at Dead By Daylight...but The Goode One fires back with a hard forearm shiver, then a chop! He backs Blizzard into the ropes and goes to whip him but the big mans puts on the brakes and turns Eli inside out with a thunderous short arm clothesline! He lingers over Eli, staring down the champ. His face cracks with a smirk as he lifts Eli and tosses him to his friendly corner.
Arthur LaForge: EA wants the champ!
Mary DeSue: No one wants her.
Magdalena stares down her next challenger, before reaching in and tagging Eli on the shoulder. She steps into the ropes and walks up to meet EA, staring up at the large man who keeps smirking, jawing at her for a beat….then takes a step back to his corner, and tags in Sister Sin. The audience boos, Sister Sin looks absolutely annoyed but steps in and charges the champ! She drives her into her own corner and begins nailing some shoulder thrusts before getting vertical. Eli swings at her but she ducks and...dropkick! Eli falls to the floor!
Mary DeSue: GET IT CREEPY BLOODSUCKER!
Arthur LaForge: Quit bringing that up!
Sister Sin goes to whip Maggie across the ring but Maggie manages to stop her short, and mimicking EA she yanks her opponent into a big, thunderous short arm clothesline. She stares down EA as she lifts Sister Sin, and lifts her to oher feet, before shoving her head between her legs and lifting her up with a big powerbomb, showing off some power! She pulls the dazed Sister Sin to her feet and rolls her toward her corner. Sister Sin goes for the tag...BUT EA DROPS OFF THE APRON
Mary DeSue: What the shit, big dude?
Arthur LaForge: Either he’s scared of the champ, or it’s mind games. Either answer is acceptable.
EA sneers at Magdalena, shaking his head and pacing on the outside. Magdalena mocks him, going to step out onto the apron..but Sister sin nails her with a kick to the abdomen as she’s half out! She drags Maggie back in a waistlock, she goes for a release german suplex but the champ lands on her feet! She nails Sister Sin with a bulldog and goes to tag in Eli..but EA YANKS HIM OFF THE APRON! He nails Eli with a big boot as Maggie stares daggers at him!
Arthur LaForge: What is his deal?
Mary DeSue: He’s a jerk...but a thicc one
Arhur LaForge: Stop it.
Magdalena turns and Sister Sin is on her! She tackles Magdalena into the corner and begins throwing hard, stiff kicks to her midsection that rock the champ!! Sister Sin nails her with a snapmare to get her out of the corner, then a dropkick to the back of her head! She goes for the cover!
ONE!
TWO!!
The champ kicks out! Sister Sin screams at Kirby and goes to lift Magdalena, but she breaks out! She begins laying in right hands, then a big discus elbow! Sister Sin is shook! She falls int othe ropes and stumbles forth into a big roundhouse kick from Magdalena Lockheart! She signals for the end, stalking Sister Sin who gets on her hands and knees….BLACK LEGACY!! The champ goes for the pin!!
Arthur La Forge: Here it is!
Mary DeSue: ANYONE BUT HERE!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners...The Team Of Eli Goode and Magdalena Lockheart!!!
Arthur La Forge: A great win for Eli and Maggie but...these mind games are something else from EA Blizzard.
Mary DeSue: Yeah...and it might be working. Look.
EAB stares down Magdalena and starts to walk around the ramp. The two never break their stare as each one is waiting for the other to make a move. The tension is so thick in the air it feels like a Hitchcock Thriller as we cut back to ringside.
Arthur La Forge: You could cut the tension with a knife...
Mary DeSue: Who cares about tension...I just want Maggie to get what she deserves!
---
"Too Tough to Die" by Black Label Society blares forth, the fans come unglued seconds before Bert McAlroy steps out onto the stage, Taking a moment to stare out over the audience. He raises a fist in the air before taking off in a full sprint toward the ring, sliding in and instantly leaping upon the ropes to hype the crowd up. He turns his gaze toward his opponent, eyes narrowing before hopping off the ropes and discarding his hoodie. He checks his wrist tape as he awaits the bell.
Mr. Rad: This is your SPECIAL MAIN EVENT, with LEVEL UP WRESTLING vs. UGWC! Although, is it really necessary? We won Wrestlestock! Anyway, introducing first, representing the LU, BERT MCALROY!
Arthur La Forge: You have to be rooting for Bert since he’s representing all of us here, aren’t you?
Mary DeSue: Are you kidding me? Jerk said he wanted me to die on Twitter. YOUR TOP BABYFACE said that.
Arthur La Forge: Bert is an acquired taste, what can I say?
“American Psycho” by D12 hits and the Astro Creeps make their way in front of the drive-in’s big movie screen. The screen shows highlights of Tempest’s bizarre doings in his career, and the many different outfits and costumes he’s worn. It shows his battles with Sloane Taylor, JC. and Montague Cervantes in UGWC.
The foursome stand in front of the screen, looking around at the fans with unsettling smiles on their faces. As Eminem starts on his first verse, the four begin to walk down to the ring, but Tempest turns quickly in front of his three stablemates and stops them. He says something that the others don’t seem to like, but they comply anyway. Hesitantly, Daedalus, Koznar, and Pisces turn and leave the ringside area. Tempest turns back around and stares down at the ring with determination, before striding down and sliding in.
I’m the devil
If ever there was such a thing
The results of much too many drugs, what you seeing
I’m a mind fuck, completely dis-guh-usting
I’m white, a human mutt, fuck a being, I’m a dog
Fuck lambs, I’m silencin’ ‘em all
He grins as he settles into the corner, sliding down and sitting with his arms resting on his knees. After a few moments, the music begins to fade and Tempest reaches up, pulling himself to his feet with the help of the top rope.
Mr. Rad: And his opponent, representing the UGWC, he is their Cross-Hemisphere Champion....TEMPEST!
Arthur La Forge: Tempest has been with Level Up before, for those who may have forgotten. He was in The Last of Us, our first PPV, and eliminated GI from the match.
Mary DeSue: Oh yeah, that goofball. Bert reminds me of him.
McAlroy shocks everyone by extending his hand out of respect, then Tempest shocks them again by accepting it. The two lock up and Tempest gets the sidehead lock and flips Bert down to the canvas. He holds that but Bert escapes with a legscissors, forcing Tempest to wriggle free, and he immediately tries for a leg drop once he's up but Bert rolls out of the way. Tempest tries an elbow drop and Bert gets out of the way of that. He gets up and stares down McAlroy, tilting his head to the side.
Arthur La Forge: Tempest reminds me of like, an alien who came here to be a wrestler but doesn’t understand how humans work.
Mary DeSue: Maybe he can just abduct Bert and they can both leave.
Bert nods his head and Tempest continues to star at him, like a predator trying to figure out the best way to strike its prey. They lock up again and Bert gets the reverse waistlock, but Tempest fires back an elbow and runs to bounce off the ropes. Bert ducks his head and this allows Tempest to flail himself at his opponent in an unorthodox flying cross body, followed by a series of strikes. He then grabs McAlroy by the head and runs full speed at the corner, throwing Bert face first into the top turnbuckle.
Arthur La Forge: Tempest like an animal in there, and even Bert’s rookie offense doesn’t come off that..unhinged.
Mary DeSue: Just un-sober.
Tempest tries for an Irish Whip into the opposite side but McAlroy reverses. He then follows Tempest in with a splash in the corner. He backs up and runs in for another, but Tempest suddenly grabs what appears to be a DRIVE-IN SPEAKER from the ground and swings it into the ribcage of McAlroy! He then wraps the wire from the speaker around the throat of McAlroy and dives backward, forcing the wire to choke McAlroy and also slam him backward with a neckbreaker! Cover!
One!
Two!
Bert kicks out!
Arthur La Forge: Drive-ins don’t even use those anymore, do they?
Mary DeSue: Maybe Tempest brought his own?
Arthur La Forge: I guess the drive-in really doesn’t die for him.
Tempest darts outside the ring and lifts up the apron skirt. He sees a ladder and immediately drags it out, although this isn't a ladder match. Bert attempts to baseball slide outside and catch him but Tempest pulls the ladder out of the way. He swings it at McAlroy but Bert ducks, then hits a BONG WATER to the ladder, to the face of Tempest! Cover on the dirt ramp!
One!
Two!
Now Tempest kicks out!
Arthur La Forge: They’re throwing bombs at each other early!
Mary DeSue: Can someone throw an ACTUAL BOMB at Bert?
McAlroy picks up the ladder himself and carries it to the side of the ring, placing it on the apron and the security rail. He then goes back to retrieve the Astro-Creep, making sure to kick him in the head when he does. He attempts to throw Tempest into the ladder bridge, but plants his feet and yanks him backward, tossing him into the corner of the rail! He then takes a step back and drives his knee into Bert's face while it's resting in the corner, slamming the back of his head against the rail! He drags Bert out and covers!
One!
Two!
Another kickout!
Arthur La Forge: Bert proving very resilient tonight, but we’ve come to expect that. He has no regard for his own well being.
Mary DeSue: Which means he’s got a short shelf life. That’s not me being a bitch, that’s just facts.
Tempest grabs Bert and tosses him into the ring, before climbing up onto the apron to follow him. Bert begins to strike at Tempest to get him to back off, but Tempest RAKES THE EYES and then hooks up Bert, and the two are dangerously close to the ladder bridge. Bert rakes Tempest's eyes in return and then attempts a shoulder-thrust, but Tempest raises a knee to the temple! He then pulls Bert out to the apron and tries to hook him up for a BOOMSTICK through the ladder, but Bert shoves him off and Tempest smacks his face against it before crashing to the floor!
Arthur La Forge: A nasty fall for the Cross-Hemisphere Champion!
Mary DeSue: If the stoner doesn’t get you, then gravity will! Welcome to Level Up!
Tempest gets up to his knees and it appears as though his nose has been blooded, but the Creep begins to laugh at the taste of his own blood. Bert doesn't enjoy the mockery and simply hits a thrust kick to the chin, knocking him backward. He then rolls Tempest over into a cover!
One!
Two!
Th--no! Only two. McAlroy gets frustrated and tosses the UGWC Cross-Hemisphere champion back into the ring, before moving over to ringside and grabbing a chair from the timekeeper.
Arthur La Forge: Bert McAlroy seems determined to score the win for Level Up here.
Mary DeSue: I’d complain about the chair, but it is no rules, I guess. Of course it was Bert who wanted that.
Bert slides inside the ring with the weapon and then lays it across the prone body of Tempest, before climbing up to the top and jumping off, kinda, with a FROG SPLASH TO THE CHAIR TO TEMPEST! He clutches at his ribs but rolls Tempest back over!
ONE!
TWO!
THr--NO! Tempest kicks out!
Bert gets frustrated again, as he seems to really want to make LU shine tonight, and so he lays the chair back on Tempest and goes to the apron. He attempts a springboard elbow, but Tempest lifts the chair up into this face! Bert rolls back clutching at his face and Tempest immediately gets up and tries for BOOMSTICK on the chair, but this time Bert reverses into a sloppy katahajime! Tempest tries to fight his way out of it, and it's easier since Bert doesn't have it in tight, and the Creep runs forward and causes Bert's momentum to carry him face-first into the turnbuckle! Tempest then grabs him from behind and hits the BOOMSTICK INTO THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE! Bert drops and he covers!
ONE!
TWO!!
THRE...NO! Bert barely slips his shoulder up! Tempest sits up and stares down at him, although it's impossible to tell what he's thinking.
Arthur La Forge: TWO big shots from both men and both kicked out! They’re brutalizing each other in there all in the name of...well I don’t know what Tempest fights for.
Mary DeSue: The Astro-Creeps? The drive-in mutants?
Arthur La Forge: I’m not even sure he’s fighting for UGWC, that’s for sure.
Tempest gets to his feet and reaches through the ropes, dragging the ladder inside the ring. He grabs Bert and hits a SECOND BOOMSTICK ON THE LADDER! Bert seems completely out of it, but Tempest doesn't' seem to be done! He lays Bert out on the ladder, prone, and climbs up top...and jumps off with a diving knee drop...BUT BERT ROLLS OFF! McAlroy barely gets out of the way and Tempest crashes knee-first onto the ladder! Bert shoves the ladder onto the body of Tempest and then drags himself up top, going slower than he could possibly want, but jumps off and hits MAXIMUM EFFORT ON THE LADDER!!! Bert clutches at his elbow and back, but shoves the ladder aside and throws himself on top!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE--NO! TEMPEST KICKS OUT!
Arthur La Forge: What does it take to put Tempest away? He’s just as stubborn as McAlroy!
Mary DeSue: I knew there was something about him I didn’t like.
Bert slaps his hand on the mat in frustration and rolls outside. Immediately grabbing multiple tables. He drags them down the dirt ramp, setting them up, stacked, in front of the drive-in screen, and he limps back to the ring to retrieve his opponent. He starts to drag Tempest up the ramp, with the two fighting each other the whole way, before Tempest rakes at the eyes. He then hits a DDT on the dirt, before going for a cover!
ONE!
TWO!
NO! Bert kicks out again. Tempest begins grinning again, almost as if he expected it! The UGWC Cross-Hemisphere champion then lays Bert on the first table, making it a macabre sandwich: table, Bert, table. Tempest looks up to the drive-in screen and immediately, to cheers from the crowd, begins to climb it!
Arthur La Forge: I don’t know what Tempest is planning, but it can’t be good for McAlroy.
Mary DeSue: I don’t Tempest ever plans anything ‘good’ for anyone!
Tempest is busy climbing and Bert manages to shake off the cobwebs and slides out of the assembled tables. He immediately goes out into the crowd and YANKS a loose hubcap off of someone's vehicle! He aims at Tempest, who has just got up to the bottom of the screen and fires it off at him like a frisbee! The hubcap connects with Tempest's abdomen, doubling him over! Bert moves over and begins to climb up the other side, going as fast as he can, hubcap in his teeth!
Arthur La Forge: I never thought I’d see a hubcap used in a wrestling match, but then I never thought I’d see two men climbing a drive-in screen in a match either.
Mary DeSue: This is a weird company.
McAlroy gets up to join Tempest and they converge at the middle of the bottom of the screen. McAlroy brings the hubcap down on Tempest's head, before tossing it aside. He then yells out to anyone who will listen…
Bert McAlroy: I'M GONNA THROW HIM THROUGH THE SCREEN, YO!
But suddenly a white object is launched through the crowd and slams into Bert's chest! McAlroy doubles over, trying to catch his breath, and it's revealed that someone launched the t-shirt gun at the Multiplayer champion! Tempest sees his opportunity and scoops up Bert...THEN JUMPS OFF THE DRIVE-IN SCREEN WITH A MOSELEY DRIVER THROUGH THE STACKED TABLES! Tempest has just enough energy to flop an arm onto McAlroy!
ONE!
TWO!!!
THREEE!!!!
Mr. Rad: Here is your winner....from UGWC, sadly....TEMPEST!!!!
Arthur La Forge: I'd like to know who fired that t-shirt, but Tempest has shocked the Level Up crowd by pinning one of their heroes!
Mary DeSue: Tempest is MY hero! WOOOOO!
Arthur La Forge: Of course he is.
Koznar, Daedalus and Pieces all come out and lift up Tempest before he can really react and the larger Creep lifts him up and carries his battered body to the back. McAlroy, meanwhile, is helped up by the referees and several officials. He asks to go to the ring, where he can retrieve his multiplayer glove. They let him and he goes inside, instead reaching down to something that apparently fell out of his pocket during the fight...a blunt. Bloodied, battered, bruised - he tucks the blunt into his mouth and pushes his fist into the Multiplayer glove. Bert raises it above his head and in response he receives the roar of the rally.
Mary DeSue: Someone arrest him! That can't be legal!
Arthur La Forge: It's not in Utah, unless it's medicinal. I'm guessing after what he just took, it's medicinal.
Mary DeSue: And where is YOUR medical degree? Wait, who is that? A fan?
Sure enough, Jaclyn Pierrot slides into the ring behind him. He doesn't notice: his adrenaline pumped and the murmur of the crowd seeming electric. Bert takes another deep drag. As he turns, Jaclyn spits a clear liquid into his face that almost instantly turns to an inferno. The fireball covers the champ's face and he clutches at his eyes.
Arthur La Forge: WHAT was that?
Mary DeSue: Payback! Bert started it last show, you know!
Bert has no time to remove his glove so he just swung his fist. He connects with a glancing blow against her shoulder and instinctually follows up by lunging to catch her. The clown, ever nimble, is able to duck out of the way and reach over to grab his nose. Before you could say honk, Bert spins around and hits her square on the side of the face. Bert pushes into her but is caught from behind by James Wilcox and Isaac!! Still in blind-fury mode, he kicks out, sending Jaclyn into the turnbuckle. Her smile turns grim and she runs forward, diving into the air. Her knee collides with Bert's jaw and his head shoots back. His knees buckle, but he is held upright.
Bert McAlroy: Bitch.
He spits blood, but unable to see, just misses her. Her fist, however, aims true. The crowd explodes and Ahmya comes steaming towards the ring. Drake Wilcox steps into her path, but she is able to slide between his legs and continue her momentum onto her feet, up on the apron, and into a springboard. Jaclyn moved to intercept, but gets caught around the neck with a huricanrana!
Arthur La Forge: Yes! Get 'em, Ahmya!
Mary DeSue: Hey look, another thing she's here to ruin.
Arthur La Forge: And you'd prefer the mugging?
Mary DeSue: MAYBE!
Jaclyn gets back to her feet but Ahmya is on top of her with a flurry of blows that drive the jester back. Ahmya draws back for one big shot but a giant pair of arms wrapped her up in a full nelson. Drake pulls her off her feet. Furious, Jaclyn drives a fist into her stomach. Bert propels himself forward, screaming at the clown-faced woman. He makes some headway, but the Faction holds firm. Jaclyn points to Bert, and Drake swings Ahyma to where she could see her partner - the two lock eyes. Gina hands Jaclyn the chair that was used earlier, and she taps it to the canvas, took a step, and swings. The chair cracks across Bert's already bloodied face with a BANG. [/i[
Arthur La Forge: Come on, STOP THIS!
Jaclyn doesn't stop. Bang. Ahmya stared into the space between them. Bang. Again. Bert gives in - a man can only take so much. He is held upright, but of no volition of his own. The clown set the chair onto the ground, circling behind her prey. Jaclyn pulled his limp arms behind him, foot on the back of his head. Her foot drives his skull into the chair with a sickening crack. Bert was still and Ahyma was lost and distant. Still held in Drake's arms, her eyes looked past her fallen partner.
Arthur La Forge: That was sickening. I think the fun and games are over with the Ragdoll.
Mary DeSue: Yeah that...I mean...
Arthur La Forge: What? You're happy with this?
Mary DeSue: No! Bert's a jerk and I was just hoping they'd beat him up a little bit but not...she went too far!
Arthur La Forge: For once, we agree.
Jaclyn mocks Ahmya, rubbing her eyes, as she pretends to cry. She motions her hit squad towards the exit. The group began to stalk their way back and Drake finally tosses Ahmya forward towards her fallen partner where she pulled his head into her lap, eyes hollow and distant.
---
Joe Bob once again can be found sitting outside his trailer, a brand new Lone Star beer in his hand.
Joe Bob:Well there you have it folks: gory, gritty, a goddern good time - I give it four stars cause hey, there's worse ways to spend a Wednesday afternoon.
Darcy: It's Tuesday, Joe Bob.
Joe Bob takes a look at his watch.
Joe Bob: Tuesday? This dern thing must be fast. Speaking of time, how about those Time Jumpers, huh? Not every day you see Time Travel in wrestling. Hey, speaking of time travel, how many of you remember the show Quantum Leap? 'Oh boy,' remember that Darcy?
Darcy: I don't know about that one, Joe.
Joe Bob: 'Oh boy,' is what Sam Beckett would say at the end of every episode. You know, Scott Bakula, who played Sam Beckett, actually improvised that line on the first day and they liked it so much they kept it and included it as a 'catch phrase' every time Sam would leap bodies. This show is of course not to be confused with Sliders because Sliding is dimensionsional travel and leaping is time jumping. When it comes to other dimensions, how 'bout that Ahmya chick? She's a bit spooky isn't she? There's something going on in her head and the safe bet is to probably be a few blocks away when it gets loose, if you know what I mean.
Darcy: That's probably the safe bet.
Joe Bob: I would say so. Well that about does it for us tonight! Say goodnight, Darcy!
Darcy: Goodnight, Darcy.
Joe Bob: 'Oh boy.' This is Joe Bob Briggs reminding you to always wear a cup no matter how big you are and that the Drive-In will never die. Hey Darcy, how do you feel about a blonde joke tonight?
Darcy: Do I have a choice?
Joe Bob: You’ll like this one. A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and says, "Who wants to hear some blonde jokes?" The waitress says "I'm blonde! And my coworker is blonde, too. Also, the lady sitting next to you is blonde as well. Are you sure you want to tell them?" The blind guy says "No, I guess not. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Darcy rolls her eyes and the crew chuckles as we fade to black.
Listen while you check out our new CREDITS:
Cold Open + Video: Joe
Joe Bob Intro: Ragdoll
The Time Jumpers vs. Erika Crawford & Drew Dangerous: Jay
Jennifer Williams vs. Ahmya: Dubs
A Courageous Coming Attraction: Jay
Brandon Hendrix vs. Teddy Warren: Dubs
The Faction Is Not Afraid: Featherman
Lord Raab vs. Jenny vs. Ragdoll: Joe
Joe Bob Calls Felissa: Ragdoll
Sidroy Covington IV vs. Dude WaLuigi: Jay
The Faction vs. Adam Miller, Dionysus & Chef Andre Poelon: Dubs
Duncan Shepard & Don Tirri vs. Larry Tact & Sah’ta Thor: Hendrix
Magdalena Lockheart & Eli Goode vs. EA Blizzard & Sister Sin: Bert
Bert McAlroy vs. Tempest: Joe
The Clown Gets The Last Laugh: Ragdoll
Joe Bob Outro: Ragdoll
Judges: Joe, Jay, Duane, as usual
Mr. Rad: You know, I help this company get to eleven episodes. Double digits? And how do they repay me? By getting some old guy to host the show because we just happen to be at a drive in. Like, get with the now, man, you know? I’m normally the host. It’s my gig! You’d think my rad party would be enough for the Developer, but he’s always trying new things.
Mr. Rad switches to a sad face.
Mr. Rad: Just switch to the intro already.
The camera pans to the Last Drive-In trailer where the man himself, Joe Bob Briggs sits. He had a Lone Star beer in his hand and Darcy, sits just opposite of him at a laptop computer. Joe takes a sip of his beer before he begins.
Joe Bob: Hey there, I'm Joe Bob Briggs. Do you remember the days when two men would get into the ring and bear hug for forty minutes while an audience of fifteen watched and cheered? The bear hug. That was a time in wrestling wasn't it? People downplay the bear hug, but there was one wrestler who won over five hundred matches in his career using primarily that move. If you read the press conference in the Leader Post, you'll find he had a few other moves like the 'flying tackle and the flying mare', much more powerful than the regular tackle and the regular mare due to the fact of course they are flying, but most importantly, he used the bear hug. This is significant, of course, because he was in fact a bear.
Joe Bob held up his forefinger.
Joe Bob: Yep, Terrible Ted! Are you familiar with him?
He chuckled to himself as he continued.
Joe Bob: Now Terrible Ted was a 600-pound black bear so when this big sumbitch would bear hug you, he would actually bear hug you, which for him wasn't the language of love but his way of overwhelming his prey before mauling them. I think today we've really softened the image of bears with the teddy bears, Care Bears, Yogi Bear, the Bernstein bears, Bear Grylls - I'm not saying he's not tough, but the man stays in a hotel after the camera wraps, you know that? The fact is, it's worth repeating - this is a seven-foot six-hun'red pound Canadian American black bear. Now, of course he was declawed and defanged which is why people like Gypsy Joe and Mountain Man Managoff were able to pin him. Gypsy Joe and the Mountain Man, how bout them names? Gypsy Joe, as you may know, is actually an early pioneer of what's known today as hardcore wrestling. Legend also has it that Joe is the first wrestler to have leapt off a steel cage onto his opponent. Joe continued to wrestle into his seventies making him the world's oldest wrestler, just going to show you the don't make 'em like they used to. I can't help but wonder how things developed from saying, 'hey, you see the apex predator? Put me in the ring with it, I wanna wrestle' to busting fluorescent tubing and rolling pizza cutters over each other's faces. Anyway, let's get to the Drive-In Totals! We have 0 dead bodies. 0 breasts. Wait, what kinda galldurn movie is this? Is this one of them A24 arthouse flicks, Darcy?
Darcy smiled, looking up from her laptop.
Darcy: No Joe Bob, this is a wrestling show.
Joe Bob looks around himself, confused.
Joe Bob: A wrestling show? Right. Sure we've seen it before, but have we seen it at a Drive-In? Well whatever it takes to keep the lights on. Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen! Here to field your tweets, your emails, your Snapchats, your Myspaces, um..things like that. Anyway, let’s get to those drive-in totals...we have...
Green text appears to the right of Joe Bob that says, 'Drive-In Totals'.
Joe Bob: Zero dead bodies, we hope. Zero breasts. Nine matches. Hoo-boy, that’s a lot. Four tag matches. One preview of a future match...we still aren’t sure what that involves. Fisticuffs. Clown-fu. Astro-Creep-fu. Possible drug paraphernalia. Time travel-fu. One title match. Gratuitous WaLuigi. Drive-in academy award nominations for; Ragdoll, the clown who decided to convince somebody to let me host a wrestling show. Brandon Hendrix who is wrestling for the last time tonight, he says. You know how those rasslers are with retirements. Bert McAlroy, for defending Level Up’s honor against the evil wackos from UGWC, as only a man highly intoxicated can do, if you know what I mean and I think you do. And of course, The Developer, the insane person who brought all this together. Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out, and we’ll check in with you later.
Joe Bob sits for a moment before turning to the crew.
Joe Bob: Have you ever tried to use a pizza cutter? Those things can't cut a Digiorno, let alone human flesh, but maybe I need to pull up a YouTube channel and get some Czechoslovakian to explain to me the right way to use the dern thing. YouTube is such a blessing and curse, innit? Back in my day - why did I say that? 'Back in my day' is what an old man shaking his fist at the neighbors kids for their unattainable youth says, you know? Back in my day.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Joe Bob: I tell you though, back in my day we wrestled bears, drank gunpowder milkshakes, walked a mile in the snow and ate our pizzas uncut, just the way God intended, you know what I mean? Now that we got that cleared up, let's get to the show!
With that we cut to the makeshift announcer area where Arthur La Forge, dressed in his Captain N letterman’s jacket, and tie, and Mary DeSue, cosplaying Elvira...The Mistress of The Dark.
Arthur La Forge: Thank you Joe Bob Briggs..and thank you for tuning in on Twitch to EXP Eleven!
Mary DeSue: Tonight’s gonna be a scream! And here we go!
---
The Time Jumpers vs. Drew Dangerous & Erika Crawford
Starting off for the Time Jumpers is Ciela Luiz, and Drew Dangerous starts out for his team. Both go for a lockup with Dangerous gaining the advantage with a headlock, but Luiz pushes him off into the ropes. Dangerous bounces off the ropes, and on the rebound, goes for a flying clothesline, but Luiz slides out of the way. Dangerous pumps on the breaks as Luiz grabs him. Hiptoss! Kick to the back of the head! Crawford runs in going for a superkick but Luiz ducks it. Referee Kirby admonishes Crawford for a moment as Luiz grabs Dangerous and tosses him into the Time Jumpers corner. Fast tag to Vayden. Double Snap DDT!
Arthur La Forge: What a great double team move by “The Time Jumpers”! It’s teamwork like that, that is making them look like contenders for The Multiplayer Championship Power Gloves!
Mary DeSue: They’re so bad...There. I made a reference to something from the eighties. Are you happy?
Arthur La Forge: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
Mary DeSue: You cry whenever you're this close to a woman, Artie…
Arthur La Forge: HEY!
Back in the ring Dangerous is still down as Crawford charges in and goes to hit Vayden with a superkick, but she is intercepted by Luiz with a superkick of her own! Referee Kirby starts shouting at both Luiz and Crawford as Luiz rolls Crawford out of the ring. Luiz runs to the ropes just as Vayden gets up and runs the opposite way. Criss Cross!! Luiz leaps over the top ropes and hits "Unicorn Horn" on the outside right on top of Crawford! Just as the cars at the drive in honk their horns with approval for that aireal display Vayden runs and leaps up to the top rope and jumps off. As Dangerous gets up, still stunned, he turns and gets caught in the top rope version of "Back to the Future"! Cover by Vayden!
One...
Two...
THREE!!
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners...The team of Ciela Luiz and Makayla Vayden...The Time Jumpers!!!
Arthur La Forge: A criss cross into finishing moves by both members of “The Time Jumpers”! A great win for Ciela and Makayla.
Mary DeSue: Dangerous obviously misjudged their teamwork. A simple slip up. I think he’ll be back on her feet. If he had gotten to Crawford this would be a totally different story.
The cars keep honking and we hear woo's from the fans in attendance as the Time Jumpers celebrate in the ring and enjoy watching themselves on the big screen at the drive in.
---
Jennifer Williams vs. Ahmya
Before the bell, Ahmya takes the time to undo her Multiplayer Championship glove and hand it over to Ref Kirby. Jennifer watches on intently, and as Ahmya turns to hand the glove over, she is clubbed from behind - Jennifer has grown tired of waiting! As the bell rings to officially start the match, Jennifer stomps viciously on the Japanese fighter, then lifts her up and whips her off the ropes. Ahmya rebounds and Jennifer drops her head looking for a back body drop, but with impressive athleticism Ahmya executes a beautiful roll over her back! The Multiplayer Champion lands on her feet, and without missing a beat Williams charges at her - but is caught with an arm drag! And another! This time she is caught with a picture perfect dropkick! Knocked to the mat, Jennifer rolls out of the ring to recover.
Arhur LaForge: Jennifer Williams comes out of the gate aggressive but Ahmya proves more than resilient enough to withstand the initial onslaught
Mary DeSue: What about her initial onslaught on my stomach? It's sick knowing she kisses that....THING that smokes!
Arhur LaForge: No one cares, Mary.
But Jennifer is given little time to regroup, as almost instantly Ahmya is flying through the air, connecting with a suicide plancha! The crowd cheer after the high-risk maneuver, and Ahmya wastes no time in rolling Jennifer back into the ring. Ahmya slides in after her and makes the cover.
Arhur LaForge: BIG DIVE! THIS COULD BE IT!
ONE!
Despite the early punishment Jennifer is able to kick out at one, showing she still has quite a bit left in the tank. Knowing she has to keep the high flyer grounded, Ahmya quickly mounts Jennifer and attempts to lock in an Ezekiel Choke! The unique mounted submission showcases her hybrid wrestling style and Jiu Jitsu knowledge. Realising she has to escape before the hold is fully locked in, Williams desperately begins headbutting Ahmya! The brutal strikes force Ahmya to back up to a point where Jennifer is able to kick her off. Both women to their feet, and Ahmya attempts to keep the initiative but is caught by a kick to the gut from Williams. Jennifer whips Ahmya to the ropes, and ducks her forearm on the rebound, running past her to the opposite ropes. Using her agility, Jennifer springs off the bottom rope and connects with a well-timed springboard moonsault!
Mary DeSue: That’s right, Dream Queen! Kill Mrs. Stoner!!
Feeling the momentum, Jennifer lifts Ahmya into a snap suplex which plants her on the mat. Keeping control of her opponent, Lady Dream transitions to a waistlock and dumps Ahmya on her head with another suplex, this time a German! She completes these trio of moves by springing off the ropes yet again, this time re-introducing Ahmya to the taste of the mat with a springboard bulldog! Finally Jennifer makes the cover.
Arhur LaForge: Big bulldog! This could do it!
ONE!
TWO!
Ahmya manages to kick out despite the multiple impacts to her head. Still with the ascension, Jennifer pulls Ahmya to her feet by her hair, before leading her over to the corner and driving her face-first into the top turnbuckle. Williams lifts Ahmya up to the top rope, then climbs up there with her. Ahmya attempts to fight her off but Jennifer fires back with some right hands over own. Now in the standing position while Ahmya is still seated, Williams leaps up and in one swift motion, delivers a hurricanrana from the top rope! BUT WAIT, AHMYA LANDS ON HER FEET! Having avoided the devastating move, Ahmya quickly scales Jennifer’s back and delivers a hurracanrana over her own, a REVERSE RANA! The impact leaves both women on the mat, with Ahmya still recovering from the earlier exchange.
Arhur LaForge: What a match! Big back and forth between these two fine athletes who are a credit to this roster!
Mary DeSue: They're both taken, simp.
Arhur LaForge: I resent your implication and hope you lose 'gram followers over it.
Mary DeSue: You...scruffy looking...nerfherder!
Rising to their feet, they begin exchanging punches. Ahmya feels at home in the striking contest, and lands a big crescent kick to the side of Jennifer’s head! Lady Dream stumbles back to the ropes, but manages to keep her footing. She fires back with a beautiful step-up enziguri which rocks Ahmya! She too manages to stay standing with the assistance of the ropes, and counters with a brutal yakuza kick! This finally knocks Jennifer to the mat, as the force of the blow is just too much. Seizing the opportunity, Ahmya lifts her up and hooks her leg, flipping her over into a fisherman’s suplex with a bridge!
ONE!
TWO!
THR-JENNIFER KICKS OUT!
Arhur LaForge: Another near fall! Williams is proving her toughness tonight against one half of the multiplayer champs!!
Ahmya is shocked that Lady Dream was able to power out after that one-two, and checks with Ref Kirby to make sure it was only two. But she knows she can’t dwell on the near fall, she has to stay on the attack. Ahmya stomps on Jennifer and then pulls her over to the corner. Making her way up the turnbuckle, and then on to the top rope, Ahmya steadies herself to deliver a 360 foot stomp - HAIL’S BLESSING! But before she can leap off, Williams rolls to her feet and hits the ropes, preventing the move. She climbs up to the top rope and the women begin fighting for supremacy! Finally a vicious headbutt causes Jennifer to fall back to the mat. Ahmya leaps off and connects with the HAIL’S BLESSING! Cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING!
Mr. Rad: Here is your winner, AHMYA!
Arthur LaForge: Well it wasn't easy, but Ahmya keeps her hot streak alive, improving now to a record of 4-1!
Mary DeSue: Gag me.
Arthur LaForge: Well maybe this will cheer you up Mary...we got a coming attraction!
---
A Courageous Coming Attraction: The Gauntlet
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: In a world where an independent wrestling company and video games collide. One man...well...he's lost his damn mind...
We see a man in the shadows.
Man in the Shadows with distorted voice: I've lost my damn mind...
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: That's what I said...
Man in the Shadows with distorted voice: MUAHAHAHAHA...
We cut to shots of "The Platformer" high up in the sky, at night, with spotlights highlighting the ring in the top cage, the rest of the triple cage heading to the top is blacked out. The contents of that challenge covered all the way to the base cage. In front of the first cage shows a obstacle course heading towards it. Generic Waluigis start trying to make it past the showcase of the first challenge.
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: More Twisted than Metal!
We see a Waluigi try to jump from small platforms to small platforms and suddenly a fireball leaps up between the small platforms and burns his butt.
Generic Waluigi: WAHHH WOWOWOWOOW...
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: So Fatal it's Fury!
We see another Generic Waluigi running across a slim bridge when suddenly a block from out of the back of the wall and sends the Generic Waluigi into the water below.
Generic Waluigi: *Gargled Wahhhh*
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: This is only part one...can you survive "The Gauntlet"
We see another Generic Waluigi running. He leaps up and grabs a rope and swings across another water trap. He keeps running when suddenly we cut to a metalic...blue turtle shell flying in the air...It hits and explodes sending Generic Waluigi back down onto the mats to prevent him from landing on the street...
Generic Waluigi: *coughs and smoke comes out*
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins:...Did that mother fucker just use a Blue Shell...DICK!
We cut over to see a Tarman Zombie Like Waluigi sitting on top of a giant shell shooter cannon.
TarUigi: WAHHHH BRAINZZZ!!!
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins:...This place is fucking weird!
We cut to TarUigi laughing as he fires more variety of objects towards Waluigis running "The Gauntlet".
Epic Trailer Guy Voiceover like that guy from Cinema Sins: Coming soon...to a title match near you...THE PLATFORMER!...So when do I get paid for this?
TarUigi turns and fires another blue shell at the camera.
TarUigi: WAHHH BRAINZZZ!!
This Match Has Not Been Rated. Viewer Discretion Advised. Sorry No C.O.D...
---
Brandon Hendrix vs. Teddy Warren
Mary DeSue: Up next, Teddy Warren dies.
Arhur LaForge: MARY!!!...ok yeah i don't like his chances either
Beaming from ear to ear, the excitable Teddy Warren looks pumped to be facing off against The Messiah, while Hendrix stares him down. In a gesture of good sportsmanship, Teddy extends his hand to the monster across from him. He calls for The Messiah to come and shake his hand. Looking down at Teddy’s extended hand and back up to his goofy grin, Hendrix slowly steps forward and shakes his hand. They shake several times, and then Teddy goes to pull his hand away...but he can’t! The Messiah begins to squeeze the life out of Teddy’s hand with a vice-like grip. Teddy’s eyes are bulging out of his head as he screams in pain, but there’s nothing he can do! Hendrix pulls Teddy towards him and lifts him up into a spinning powerslam facebuster, END OF DAYS!
Mary DeSue: I love when I'm right.
Arthur LaForge: The developer won't like this if Teddy is seriously hurt...
Satisfied with his handiwork, Brandon drops down to make the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING!
Mr Rad: Here is your winner, The Messiah...BRANDON HENDRIX!
Arthur LaForge: Well that was short, let’s hope these ads by our sponsors NORD VPN and RAID SHADOW LEGENDS are shorter!!
Mary DeSue: You [bleep]ing shill....
--
The Faction Is Not Afraid
Arthur La Forge: We go now to the back for a quick interview with…The Faction.
The Faction are standing outside of the boiler room In the depths of the arena.
Lenny Brasco: James, Last week we saw the shock return of your nemesis….Adam Miller. The look on your face was a classic moment.
The interviewer begins to chuckle.
Lenny Brasco: Tonight the Faction go up against Adam and a tag team you lost to last week. How do you plan on approaching this one?
James Wilcox curls the right corner of his top lip. His nostrils begin to flare. The anger on his face is clear.
James Wilcox: You see the problem last week was us. The Faction. Were taken by surprise. I’ve said it all week. It takes a special kind of stupidity to get into the ring with a group of men that have broken bones. This week Miller’s little surprise attack won’t be a factor and by the end of tonight I promise you all everyone will know that damage the Faction can do. I’m sick of hearing about Miller already. It's time to end it. Adam Miller. I challenge you to a Chairs match at the next pay per view. I want this in concrete A.S.A.P so next week I want those contracts signed!!! Publicly! There will be no ducking this one!
The Faction all stare into the camera and chant in unison
The Faction: In absentia lucis, Tenebrae vincunt.
The lights go out and the Factions music begins to play on in the distance.
---
Jenny vs. Ragdoll vs. Lord Raab
Ragdoll grins at her competition, making sure they see the shirt she is wearing, which reads “Honorary Creep.” All three circle each other with the larger Raab attempting to close the distance on his smaller opponents. Which he does immediately by grabbing Jenny by the head and hitting a European uppercut with enough force to knock her down. Ragdoll attempts some forearms to the face but she gets a European uppercut as well with the same result. Raab then kicks her in the head while she's down for good measure. He turns around and suddenly Jenny leaps up and snaps off a Jennycanrana, that sends him sprawling into the nearest turnbuckle. She motions for Ragdoll to help her but Jaclyn decides to punch her in the face instead, before giving an Irish Whip that causes Queenie to ricochet off the opposite turnbuckle.
Arthur La Forge: All three are taking their shots and raising hell!
Mary DeSue: This is like Freddy versus Jason versus...It? I’m sorry is that offensive to weirdo clowns...oh yeah. I don’t care.
Ragdoll then runs in with Raab stunned and gives him a knee to the face in the corner. She tries the same to Jenny, who gets her feet up to stop it. Jenny then runs at Ragdoll, who hoists her up in the air and causes her to land on Raab, so she flips backward and flips him over with another Jennycanrana! Raab rolls to the outside to recover and Ragdoll rushes at Jenny, who ducks a forearm attempt and hits a kick to the hamstring. She then hits a bitchslap to the face, followed by another kick. Jenny then grabs the head and tries for the Crowning, but Ragdoll pivots her hips and drops Queenie on the back of her head with a Saito suplex!
Arthur La Forge: Oof! That had to hurt Jenny’s head with that devastating suplex.
Mary DeSue: Don’t hit her in the head...you’ll not damage anything. Like hitting Artie in the balls.
Arthur La Forge: That would hurt my feelings if I actually had self esteem.
Mary DeSue:...Wow...
Ragdoll sees Raab getting up on the outside, so she immediately slides out and runs at him on the apron, connecting with a penalty kick to the head! With Raab briefly gone again, she jumps back in the ring and surprises Jenny with a HARD lariat that knocks her back down! She covers!
One!
Two! No! Jenny gets her shoulder up. So Ragdoll hoists her up and grabs her by the head, attemping the PUNCHLINE, but Jenny shoves her off and rolls to the outside! Jenny laughs at her, so Ragdoll gives chase and Jenny slides back into the ring, and as Jacky follows her in, Jenny flips forward and hits a leg drop to the face! Now Jenny covers the clown!
One!
Two! NO! Raab breaks it up!
Arthur La Forge: Raab barely broke up that count in the nick of time.
Mary DeSue: I thought all, like, slasher dudes could teleport and shit.
Arthur La Forge: He’s not a Slasher...
Mary DeSue: Look at that ring. Look at a horror movie. Am. I. (bleep)ing. Wrong?!
Raab stomps away at Ragdoll in anger for keeping him out of the match before turning his attention to Jenny. He launches her chest first into the nearest corner and she crumbles down to the mat. He then runs and scoops up Ragdoll, tossing her behind him with a German suplex! He turns back to Jenny and simply throws her out of the ring, before looking back at Ragdoll...whose arms suddenly go into the air. She then follows them upward, as though she were a puppet being pulled back to her feet! Raab stares in confusion even as Jacky puts a thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers...before KICKING HIM LOW after some Slapstick! Ragdoll, having found the Monster's weakness is similar to a normal man, charges at Raab, only to find out HE IS NO ORDINARY MAN! Raab ties her up and hits a half and half suplex!
Arthur La Forge: Oof! Ragdoll’s plan backfired there.
Mary DeSue: Does she look like someone with a plan?
Arthur La Forge: Well...I did see her chasing cars while people were coming into the drive-in...
Raab goes for the cover!
One!
Two!
Thr--NO! Ragdoll kicks out! Raab pulls her to her feet and grabs her around the throat for a chokeslam, so Jacky reaches in and twists his mask to obscure his vision! While Raab tries to adjust, she hits him with various kicks, then a jumping knee to the face, then she grabs the arm and ripcords out for ANOTHER knee to the face and RAAB GOES DOWN! Ragdoll covers!
ONE!
TWO!
Queenie breaks it up!
Arthur La Forge: This match has more breakups than Mary’s facebook status.
Mary DeSue: SHUT. YOUR. FACE!
Jenny backs Ragdoll up into the ropes before tossing her to the opposite side. As Raggy comes back, Jenny begins to hit arm drag after arm drag after arm drag, basically tossing Ragdoll around and making her dizzy, before she hits a low dropkick! Raab is back up and she gets one on him as well! She grabs the monster by the mask and Ragdoll by the hair, dropping them BOTH with facebusters! A double BOW DOWN! She covers Raab first!
One!
Two!
No! He kicks out, so she covers Ragdoll!
One!
Two!
NO! She kicks out as well!
Arthur La Forge: Double kickouts!
Mary DeSue: Double the Ughhhh!! Is this match over yet! I wanna get to my Thiccness...He might enjoy my cleavage in my outfit.
Arthur La Forge: (stares for a moment) I mean...I...OH LOOK. THINGS HAPPENING IN THE RING!
Jenny is seemingly frustrated so she backs Ragdoll up into a corner and lifts her up top. She climbs up with her and hops up, hoping to get a Jennycanrana off the top, but Ragdoll holds on! Jenny pulls herself back up and gets out of the rana position, but now the two of them are battling on the top turnbuckle...BEFORE RAAB CLIMBS UP AND EASILY TOSSES THEM BACK INTO THE RING WITH A DOUBLE SUPERPLEX! All three wrestlers are down! Raab, to the surprise of no one, is the first up and he covers Ragdoll!
ONE!
TWO!
Thr--NO! She kicks out!
Arthur La Forge: Missed it by that much...
Mary DeSue: When did you get smart?
Arthur La Forge: When? I mean...I’ve always been smart.
Mary DeSue: Well one part of you is and it’s not your brain...
Lord Raab hit his head hard on the landing and clutches it as he gets to his feet. He reaches down and grabs Jenny and puts her up top, before attempting to hook her for a hanging Killerbuster! Jenny manages to BITE the crown of his head to force him to back off, before kicking him hard in the chin to stun him. She then jumps off the top and hits a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS! But LORD RAAB gets right back up, and Jenny snatches the head and yanks him down INTO THE CROWNING!
ONE!
TWO!
THR---Ragdoll breaks it up!
Arthur La Forge: Stolen by the clown of chaos!
Mary DeSue: Sidroy’s gotta be worried at this point. Whoever wins this match is going to be his problem at the Pay Per View!
Ragdoll yanks Jenny's arms up and tries to hit the Killing Joke, but the Queen Machine wriggles free and behind Jacky! ENTER THE MACHINE! Ragdoll is planted face first! Jenny gets up and grins at getting one over on the Ragdoll...BUT LORD RAAB RISES BEHIND HER! Jenny turns around and gets goozled, CHOKEINATOR ON TOP OF RAGDOLL! Raab yanks Queenie up to her feet! KILLERBUSTER! Raab covers!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!!
Mr. Rad: HERE is your winner and the #1 contender for the Wisdom Championship.....LOOOOOOORD RAAAAAAAB!
ISAAC, meanwhile, reaches through the ropes and pulls out Jenny, who just suffered a beating, and just for the hell of it, hits the HEADHUNTER on the floor!
Arthur La Forge: COME ON! That was unnecessary!
ISAAC then reaches in and grabs the clown, putting her on his shoulder and carrying her to the back. Raab, meanwhile, looks on as he celebrates his win.
Arthur La Forge: And our resident Monster of a Man continues on his path of destruction!
Mary DeSue: And it’s going right to Sidroy’s title next!
Arthur La Forge: Now that’s a coming attraction that will definitely have everyone on their feet. Speaking of on your feet. Let’s send it over back to Job Bob Briggs!
---
The camera opens up to Joe Bob, once again sitting outside his trailer.
Joe Bob: Are we ever going to have a Jaclyn Pierrot match that does not include some form of nut shot?
Darcy: It's her thing, Joe Bob. She's a nut with a gun.
Joe Bob: A nut with a gun. Have ya ever thought of doing standup?
Darcy smiles back at Joe, shrugging her shoulders.
Darcy: Once or twice. Hey Joe, do you think Lord Raab's new throne will be a bag of ice?
Joe Bob: You think he may have a secret mangled dick?
Darcy: Not likely, but you never know, Joe. Maybe we should call the expert?
Joe Bob: Good idea! Let's give the mangled dick expert and Scream Queen herself, Felissa Rose a call!
Joe Bob lifts up the receiver on the phone which sits on the table beside him, pressing a button.
Felissa: Hello?
Joe Bob: Hey Felissa, it's Joe Bob, I know you know a bit about taking a shot to the nuts.
Felissa: Well, not from first hand experience.
Joe Bob: Yeah, well of course not, but you've seen your share of mangled dicks before.
Felissa: And not so mangled.
Joe Bob: I bet. So Felissa, Lord Raab, mangled dick or no?
Felissa: I would say close but definitely no?
Joe Bob: No? I know I shouldn't ask but I just gotta know: how can you tell?
Felissa: A man like Lord Raab? A flesh wound isn't going to hurt a man like that.
Joe Bob: Thanks Felissa.
Joe Bob hangs up the phone.
Joe Bob: Well there it is, Darcy. Now that we've cleared it up, we can say it official: Lord Raab does not have a mangled dick.
Darcy: Yay for unmangled dicks!
Darcy stands up and raises a t-shirt cannon and turns to the audience.
Darcy: Who wants a t-shirt?
The audience cheers and Darcy fires off a shirt into the audience. Joe Bob stares at her open mouthed while she sits down.
Joe Bob: What was that, Darcy?
Darcy: We're celebrating Raab not having a mangled dick, Joe Bob! Nobody wants a mutilated penis.
Joe cringes.
Joe Bob: Whoa, nobody said the word mutilated. We gotta stop saying that.
Darcy: Mutilated dicks?
Joe Bob holds up a hand to indicate stopping while he takes a sip of his beer.
Joe Bob: Well, now that we've got that cleared up, let's get back to enduring the other half of this show.
The camera begins to zoom out and Joe Bob turns back to Darcy.
Joe Bob: Mangled. They're mangled.
He clutches his groin and gives an empathetic shudder.
---
INTERMISSION
---
Sidroy Covington IV vs. Dude Waluigi
Sidroy and Dude Waluigi stand in the ring facing each other as Referee Kirby holds up the Level Up Wisdom Title as the opening bell rings. Sidroy starts trash talking Dude as Dude holds out his hand to shake it. Barnabus applauds this display of sportsmanship as Sidroy slaps Dude's hand. Dude shakes it off and holds out his hand again. Smiling. Sidroy yells at Dude and slaps him across the face. Dude nods and holds out his hand one last time as Sidroy rares back to punch Dude. Dude sees it coming and quickly changes his outstretched hand into a chop motion and starts chopping Sidroy in the chest! Push to the ropes. Bounce off and throw by Dude sending Sidroy across to the ropes on the other side. Dude charges towards Sidroy. Sidroy stops and sets up for a back body drop, but Dude drops, back first, down onto the mat and slaps Sidroy in the face!
Arthur La Forge: Oh no...
Mary DeSue: He didn’t! Dude...you done (bleep)ed around and you’re about to find out!
Sidroy backs up to the ropes and holds his hand up to his face. He pulls back and we see Sidroy's nose is bleeding slightly. Dude kips up and makes a "just bring it" motion getting the cars at the drive-in to start honking their horns. Barnabus yells at Dude not to antagonize Sidroy, but it's to late. This Besmirchment will not stand! Sidroy charges forward and he and Dude start exchanging rights and lefts over and over and over again much to the crowd's enjoyment. Sidroy finally gains an advantage after dodging one of Dude's wild left punches and quickly goes to the ropes. On the rebound he clocks Dude with a devastating running european uppercut sending the hippie Waluigi down to the mat. Followed by a quick kick to the side of the head, and then a jumping knee strike to the same area. Sidroy wipes more blood from his nose as he picks up Dude and picks him up for a powerbomb...HE TOSSES DUDE WALUIGI NECK FIRST ONTO THE TURNBUCKLE POST!!!
Arthur La Forge: Dude Waluigi’s neck could have snapped from that shot!
Mary DeSue: It’s his own fault! He tried to slap Siddy like he owed him money.
Dude lays on the mat for a moment before rolling out as Sidroy basks in the hatred of the fans for a moment. Barnabus goes to check on Dude as Referee Kirby starts to do his count...
One...
Two...
Three...
Sidroy is not going to win this by countout as he charges to the ropes and leaps through the third and second rope hitting a suicide dive on Dude! Dude shoves Barnabus out of the way at the last second and takes the brunt of the assault.
One...
Two...
Three...
Four...
Sidroy grabs Dude and puts him into a fireman's carry. Sidroy starts to climb the top turnbuckle. Barnabus begs him not to do this as Sidroy hits a top rope "Pentalty Kick" sending Dude down to the mat breaking the count and possibly parts of his body. Sidroy stands for a moment on the top turnbuckle and leaps off..."THE COVINGTON CAVE-IN!!"
Arthur La Forge: OOF! My ribs hurt from that double stomp from the top turnbuckle!
Mary DeSue: This is why Sidroy makes a great Wisdom Champion though Artie. Look at him. He figured out a great way to hit two of his trademark moves in a row in a matter of seconds. He’s smarter than that Waluigi could ever dream to be!
Sidroy drags Dude to the middle of the ring and slaps on "The Fortune Favors the Bold '' submission hold! Dude screams out in pain as Sidroy locks it in. The crowd start honking their horns and making all kinds of noise as Dude tries to shimmy and crawl his way to the ropes while Sidroy twists and pulls to try and make the most popular of the Waluigi's tap out. Barnabus yells at Sidroy to stop tormenting Dude, but that just makes Sidroy madder. Dude's arm is outstretched, almost touching the ropes and it falls. Referee Kirby grabs Dude's hand and holds it up...and it falls...
One...
Two...
TH-NOOOO!! Dude reaches out and grabs the bottom rope forcing Sidroy to break the hold. Sidroy takes his five count and lets go, but stomps on Dude's head as he backs away for a moment.
Arthur La Forge: Dude Waluigi is not giving up!
Mary DeSue: He’s an idiot! He hasn’t got a chance of beating Sidroy!
Arthur La Forge: He’s already beat him once.
Mary DeSue: Look. Just because you see yourself in the friend slash loser zone like him Artie doesn’t mean, when it counts, that Dude Waluigi is gonna win at anything...just like you!
Sidroy runs back to the ropes and bounces off. Referee Kirby checks on Dude as Dude gets up. Dude drops down real quick to avoid the "Pele Kick" from Sidroy and the resulting collision takes both wrestlers down and takes Kirby down to the mat. Barnabus yells at both Sidroy and Dude to get up. Dude rolls out of the ring holding his neck and head as Barnabus checks on him. Sidroy rolls out next and with the referee still out no one is making a count! Sidroy grabs Dude and Irish Whips him into a car close to ringside! Sidroy grabs Dude and lifts him up in a brainbuster and drops him head first onto the hood of a car!
Arthur La Forge: There is no need for this! Come on Kirby! Get up!
Mary DeSue: No ref. No disqualifications. Again. Smart.
Sidroy picks up Dude again and looks to go for the brainbuster again, but Barnabus shoves him! Sidroy stops and yells at Barnabus and Barnabus yells back at Sidroy to "finish this now"! Sidroy looks at Barnabus and down at Dude. A conflict seems to arise in the Wisdom Champion as he grabs Dude and tosses him under the bottom rope into the ring. He drags Dude to the center and shakes Kirby. Kirby gets up and Sidroy slaps "The Fortune Favors the Bold" on once more. Dude is out...
One...
Two...
THREE!!
Mr. Rad: Here is your winner and STILL Your Level Up Wisdom Champion...Sidroy Covington The Fourthhhh!!!
Arthur La Forge: Sidroy wins, but at what a cost to Dude Waluigi!
Mary DeSue: Hey! It could have been worse if Barnabus didn’t take pity on that loser!
EMT's rush out to check on Dude Waluigi as Barnabus gets in the ring with the Wisdom Title. He hands it to Sidroy who holds it up to the crowd, who boo's, and then stares at his manservant. There is a long stare down between them as the EMT's get Dude Waluigi on the gurney. Sidroy turns his back on Barnabus and walks away...and Barnabus turns to check on Dude Waluigi. Sidroy rubs his nose and his face as he walks up the ramp. He stops to look back at Barnabus and then gets a stern look on his face. He bolts to the back.
Arthur La Forge: A rough win for Sidroy. Even though he retained you gotta wonder if he just lost something dear to him.
Mary DeSue: He’s lost nothing he can’t replace. Barnabus wants to throw his lot in with a loser like Dude Waluigi that’s his own fault.
---
The Faction vs. Adam Miller, Dionysus & Chef Andre Poelon
The match kicks off with James Wilcox and Adam Miller in the ring, sizing one another up as their teammates watch on. The two technically-gifted wrestlers are giving nothing away as they lock up several times, neither man gaining a clean advantage. James finally pulls Adam onto the mat with a side headlock, but the Prodigal Son counters with a head scissors, squeezing the Wizard’s throat between his solid legs. The Faction’s leader tries valiantly to free himself from the hold but Miller refuses to budge. Using his upper body strength, Wilcox gets to his feet, his head still trapped in the scissors, and flips over into a bridge pin.
Arthur LaForge: Lot of history here and you could feel it in the initial exchange
Mary DeSure: PAY ATTENTION AND HYPE THE PIN ARTY!!
ONE!
Arthur LaForge: I'm not hyping a one count
Miller kicks out, and in doing so finally breaks the hold. Free at last, James lunges at Adam, looking for a clothesline, but he ducks and takes him down with a drop toehold! Instantly seizing the opportunity, Miller grabs Wilcox’s arm and attempts to lock in a crippler crossface - THE CROSS?! NO! James frantically elbows the Prodigal Son off of him to avoid being trapped in the deadly submission hold. Both men get to their feet, and this time Adam attempts to take his opponent down with a forearm, but Wilcox counters by grabbing his feet and dropping him to the mat. The Wizard plants his foot between Miller’s legs, looking to lock in a SHARPSHOOTER! Before it can be properly applied, Adam manages to kick him off, avoiding the hold.
Arthur LaForge: Adam Miller looks rejuvenated upon his return, and he's putting up a stronger fight now against the faction than before.
Mary DeSue: Yeah ok but he's still gonna lose. look at the size of them!!
The two grapplers stare at each other from opposite corners of the ring, neither breaking eye contact. The staring contest is interrupted by ISAAC, who tags himself in with a clubbing slap to his leader’s back. The monstrous man clambers over the top rope and makes a beeline for the Prodigal Son! At the last second Adam dives out of the way, sending ISAAC hurtling into his team’s corner. ISAAC clubs them both with a double-clothesline, sending the Chef and Dionysus hurtling to the outside.Feeling happy with his handiwork, ISAAC smirks for a moment before turning around into a running knee strike from Adam! The big man doubles over, clutching his stomach, and Miller drops him on the mat with a big DDT! He hooks the leg!
Arthur LaForge: HEAD SPIKED! DDT! THIS COULD BE IT!!
ONE!
TWO!
ISAAC powers out of the pin, pushing the Prodigal Son into the air! He crashes down to the mat and rolls over to his corner, looking for a tag...but no one is there! Looking to the outside, Adam realises the other members of The Faction have been brawling with the Chef and Dionysus! Before he can react, he is grabbed from behind. ISAAC lifts him into a military press! Walking over to the side of the ring, he hurls Miller to the outside, who crashes onto all four competitors! It’s a car wreck on the outside as bodies are strewn everywhere. The crowd begin to grow in pitch as ISAAC looks to the destruction on the outside, and then at the turnbuckle. The big man shrugs, and climbs up to the top rope. Just as the remaining five get to their feet, ISAAC leaps into the air looking for a massive double axe handle! And he connects with them all...or does he?! No! At the last moment Adam, Chef and Dionysus shove The Faction members directly into the path of ISAAC, who practically squashes them in the huge impact!
Arthur LaForge: Now that's team work!
Mary DeSue: Why don't I get to be squished by the thicc boys?
Arthur LaForge: Jesus christ, Mary
Taking advantage of the carnage, the makeshift team roll ISAAC - still the legal man - into the ring, and begin to work him over as Ref Kirby struggles to get control of the match. Grabbing him from behind, Andre and Dionysus lift ISAAC into a double back suplex! This is followed by Miller, who leaps off the top rope with a top rope moonsault! Cover!
Mary DeSue: Oh look a flippy move with a pin. I bet someone breaks it up
ONE!
TWO!
THR-BROKEN UP BY THE FACTION!
Mary DeSue: I'm getting good at this
The Wilcox brothers break up the pin, and the two teams begin brawling in the middle of the ring! The ref tries to get in between the warring sides but it’s practically impossible. Dionysus ducks a forearm by Wilcox and connects with a huge rainmaker - GRAPEVINE! The impact of the blow knocks the Wizard to the floor and sends him rolling out of the ring. The God of Revelry dusts himself off but turns right into a chokehold by Drake! The younger Wilcox plants Dionysus with a huge double-handed chokeslam! He goes for the cover, forgetting that the businessman is not the legal man! Before Ref Kirby can point this out, Chef Andre lands on Drake’s back with an elbow drop from the top rope, JUST DESSERTS!
Arthur LaForge: DINNER IS SERVED TO THE FACTION!!
With both teams pulling out all the stops, it seems like the end is near, but for who? Chef gets to his feet but is knocked to the ground by a big boot from ISAAC! He grabs him and tosses him out of the ring with ease. This leaves just The Faction’s muscle and Adam Miller in the ring - the two legal men! The Prodigal Son motions for him to BRING IT ON! ISAAC lunges at Miller, who targets the big man’s knee with a dropkick! He drops to a knee, giving Adam the chance to land a huge pele kick! This knocks ISAAC to the mat, and Miller pounces to lock in THE CROSS! With all the other members of The Faction laid out, there’s no one to help ISAAC! He tries to roll Adam over, but he rolls through and keeps the hold locked in! Eventually ISAAC has no choice but to tap out!!
Arthur LaForge: ADAM MADE THE SECOND BIGGEST FACTION GUY TAP!!
Mary DeSue: IS THERE NO JUSTICE FOR THICC BOIS?!
DING DING DING!
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners...Adam Miller, Dionysus and Chef Andre Poêlon!
Arthur La Forge: Another rough night for “The Faction”.
Mary DeSue: This isn’t over! Not by a long shot!
---
Duncan Shepard & Don Tirri vs. Larry Tact & Sah’ta Thor
As we're reaching the end of the show, we hit our second to last Multiplayer match of the night as "Old School Cool" Don Tirri teams up with "Commander" Duncan Shephard to take on Larry Tact and "The Raging Storm" Sah'ta Thor. The bell rings as starting off in the ring is Shephard and Tact. Both men circle the ring before locking up. Tact pushes Duncan into the corner, resulting the referee to start counting.
One…
Two…
Three…
FO...
Tact lets go and goes for a punch but Shephard ducks under it and he proceeds to start punching the mid section of Larry before running back to the opposite side of the ring and then runs up and nails a nasty European uppercut to the chin of Tact. He runs off the ropes and hits another European Uppercut that sends Tact out of the ring. Duncan stares outside of the ring and demands Larry get back into the ring to fight. Larry, caught off guard by the flurry of attacks, immediately gets into the ring. Duncan runs for another European Uppercut, but Larry steps to the side and blasts Duncan with a jumping knee strike to the jaw, catching Duncan by surprise which allows Tact to grab Shephard in a back suplex position but changes it mid move to a neckbreaker before covering Duncan.
Arthur La Forge: Larry Tact is showing he might be one to be a future challenge for Duncan’s Power Title in the future!
Mary DeSue: Damn it Shepard! Tag in “The Thiccness”!!
One…
Two…
And Duncan gets the shoulder up. Tact drags Shephard over to his corner and tags in Thor. Sah'ta Thor enters the ring and starts stomping away at the mid section of Duncan Shepard before jumping off the ropes and hitting a knee right in the mid section of Duncan and covering him again.
Arthur La Forge: This is a good strategy keeping Shepard away from Tirri.
Mary DeSue: You’re just saying that cause you don’t want “The Thiccness” to show his stuff!
One…
Two...
And Duncan kicks out once again. Thor grabs Duncan's legs and flips him over into a Boston Crab, sitting on his back and applying pressure to his midsection by then placing him in a modified Boston Crab. Duncan struggles as he reaches, trying to see if he can crawl to the ropes, but ends up elbowing the ankle of Thor then starts punching his knee, finally getting Thor to turn the move over. Shepard then kicks Sah'ta off him and kips up, catching Thor with a hurricanrana, sending him into the turnbuckle face first. Duncan starts crawling towards Tirri, who has his hand extended out for the tag. Duncan itches towards his team side of the ring before leaping up and tagging in Don. Tirri enters the ring and catches a jumping Thor in a bearhug before ramming him back first into the turnbuckle. He starts jamming his knees into the midsection of Thor before grabbing him in a bear hug again and tosses him overhead for a belly to belly suplex. Larry enters the ring and goes for the Tactical Surrender but Tirri flips him off his body. He runs off the ropes looking for a big boot, but Larry ducks it. Larry runs at Tirri but gets Speared by Duncan. Thor ends up biting Tirri’s forehead, sending him to the corner of the ring where he faces Duncan. Thor double chops the throat of Shephard hitting a roundhouse kick to the back of his head. Thor grabs ahold of Duncan's head and goes to punch him, but Tirri runs up and nails a nasty running big boot to the head of Thor, dropping him. Duncan holds the side of his head and looks at Tirri before running and diving over the ropes and lands on Larry.
Arthur La Forge: Duncan goes for the Suicide Dive to keep Tact out of the equation!
Mary DeSue: Come on! “FINNISH HIM”!!!
Arthur La Forge: Really Mary?!
Mary DeSue: Then come over here and finnish me!!
Tirri lifts up Thor and grabs him by the head, and he starts repeatedly heatbutting Sah'ta over and over again, each headbutt dropping Thor to the mat below. Tirri stops and stares at the crowd before placing his arms into an x pose and brings them to the side, saying it's over. He flips Thor over and mounts him for a Camel Clutch, instead applying a sleeper hold instead. Sah'ta Thor fights and fights, trying to move, but he seems to be fading before finally tapping out to Tirri and the bell rings.
DING DING DING
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners…”The Commander” Duncan Shepard and “Old School Cool” Don Tirri!
Arthur La Forge: A submission win for Tirri and Shepard! Shepard really took one for the team with that dive and Tirri followed through. I’m surprised there wasn’t a breakdown here honestly.
Mary DeSue: Oh something broke all right...Can you hand me that needle and thread there.
Arthur La Forge: What broke Ma...Oh...OHHH!! Here…
Mary DeSue: How does Elvira keep the girls from escaping this damn outfit?
---
Magdalena Lockheart & Eli Goode vs. EA Blizzard & Sister Sin
EA and Eli start the match which instantly gets the crowd into it. EA gives Eli a disappointed smile, shaking his head as he begins taunting Eli over their match at Dead By Daylight...but The Goode One fires back with a hard forearm shiver, then a chop! He backs Blizzard into the ropes and goes to whip him but the big mans puts on the brakes and turns Eli inside out with a thunderous short arm clothesline! He lingers over Eli, staring down the champ. His face cracks with a smirk as he lifts Eli and tosses him to his friendly corner.
Arthur LaForge: EA wants the champ!
Mary DeSue: No one wants her.
Magdalena stares down her next challenger, before reaching in and tagging Eli on the shoulder. She steps into the ropes and walks up to meet EA, staring up at the large man who keeps smirking, jawing at her for a beat….then takes a step back to his corner, and tags in Sister Sin. The audience boos, Sister Sin looks absolutely annoyed but steps in and charges the champ! She drives her into her own corner and begins nailing some shoulder thrusts before getting vertical. Eli swings at her but she ducks and...dropkick! Eli falls to the floor!
Mary DeSue: GET IT CREEPY BLOODSUCKER!
Arthur LaForge: Quit bringing that up!
Sister Sin goes to whip Maggie across the ring but Maggie manages to stop her short, and mimicking EA she yanks her opponent into a big, thunderous short arm clothesline. She stares down EA as she lifts Sister Sin, and lifts her to oher feet, before shoving her head between her legs and lifting her up with a big powerbomb, showing off some power! She pulls the dazed Sister Sin to her feet and rolls her toward her corner. Sister Sin goes for the tag...BUT EA DROPS OFF THE APRON
Mary DeSue: What the shit, big dude?
Arthur LaForge: Either he’s scared of the champ, or it’s mind games. Either answer is acceptable.
EA sneers at Magdalena, shaking his head and pacing on the outside. Magdalena mocks him, going to step out onto the apron..but Sister sin nails her with a kick to the abdomen as she’s half out! She drags Maggie back in a waistlock, she goes for a release german suplex but the champ lands on her feet! She nails Sister Sin with a bulldog and goes to tag in Eli..but EA YANKS HIM OFF THE APRON! He nails Eli with a big boot as Maggie stares daggers at him!
Arthur LaForge: What is his deal?
Mary DeSue: He’s a jerk...but a thicc one
Arhur LaForge: Stop it.
Magdalena turns and Sister Sin is on her! She tackles Magdalena into the corner and begins throwing hard, stiff kicks to her midsection that rock the champ!! Sister Sin nails her with a snapmare to get her out of the corner, then a dropkick to the back of her head! She goes for the cover!
ONE!
TWO!!
The champ kicks out! Sister Sin screams at Kirby and goes to lift Magdalena, but she breaks out! She begins laying in right hands, then a big discus elbow! Sister Sin is shook! She falls int othe ropes and stumbles forth into a big roundhouse kick from Magdalena Lockheart! She signals for the end, stalking Sister Sin who gets on her hands and knees….BLACK LEGACY!! The champ goes for the pin!!
Arthur La Forge: Here it is!
Mary DeSue: ANYONE BUT HERE!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!
Mr. Rad: Here are your winners...The Team Of Eli Goode and Magdalena Lockheart!!!
Arthur La Forge: A great win for Eli and Maggie but...these mind games are something else from EA Blizzard.
Mary DeSue: Yeah...and it might be working. Look.
EAB stares down Magdalena and starts to walk around the ramp. The two never break their stare as each one is waiting for the other to make a move. The tension is so thick in the air it feels like a Hitchcock Thriller as we cut back to ringside.
Arthur La Forge: You could cut the tension with a knife...
Mary DeSue: Who cares about tension...I just want Maggie to get what she deserves!
---
Tempest vs. Bert McAlroy
"Too Tough to Die" by Black Label Society blares forth, the fans come unglued seconds before Bert McAlroy steps out onto the stage, Taking a moment to stare out over the audience. He raises a fist in the air before taking off in a full sprint toward the ring, sliding in and instantly leaping upon the ropes to hype the crowd up. He turns his gaze toward his opponent, eyes narrowing before hopping off the ropes and discarding his hoodie. He checks his wrist tape as he awaits the bell.
Mr. Rad: This is your SPECIAL MAIN EVENT, with LEVEL UP WRESTLING vs. UGWC! Although, is it really necessary? We won Wrestlestock! Anyway, introducing first, representing the LU, BERT MCALROY!
Arthur La Forge: You have to be rooting for Bert since he’s representing all of us here, aren’t you?
Mary DeSue: Are you kidding me? Jerk said he wanted me to die on Twitter. YOUR TOP BABYFACE said that.
Arthur La Forge: Bert is an acquired taste, what can I say?
“American Psycho” by D12 hits and the Astro Creeps make their way in front of the drive-in’s big movie screen. The screen shows highlights of Tempest’s bizarre doings in his career, and the many different outfits and costumes he’s worn. It shows his battles with Sloane Taylor, JC. and Montague Cervantes in UGWC.
The foursome stand in front of the screen, looking around at the fans with unsettling smiles on their faces. As Eminem starts on his first verse, the four begin to walk down to the ring, but Tempest turns quickly in front of his three stablemates and stops them. He says something that the others don’t seem to like, but they comply anyway. Hesitantly, Daedalus, Koznar, and Pisces turn and leave the ringside area. Tempest turns back around and stares down at the ring with determination, before striding down and sliding in.
I’m the devil
If ever there was such a thing
The results of much too many drugs, what you seeing
I’m a mind fuck, completely dis-guh-usting
I’m white, a human mutt, fuck a being, I’m a dog
Fuck lambs, I’m silencin’ ‘em all
He grins as he settles into the corner, sliding down and sitting with his arms resting on his knees. After a few moments, the music begins to fade and Tempest reaches up, pulling himself to his feet with the help of the top rope.
Mr. Rad: And his opponent, representing the UGWC, he is their Cross-Hemisphere Champion....TEMPEST!
Arthur La Forge: Tempest has been with Level Up before, for those who may have forgotten. He was in The Last of Us, our first PPV, and eliminated GI from the match.
Mary DeSue: Oh yeah, that goofball. Bert reminds me of him.
McAlroy shocks everyone by extending his hand out of respect, then Tempest shocks them again by accepting it. The two lock up and Tempest gets the sidehead lock and flips Bert down to the canvas. He holds that but Bert escapes with a legscissors, forcing Tempest to wriggle free, and he immediately tries for a leg drop once he's up but Bert rolls out of the way. Tempest tries an elbow drop and Bert gets out of the way of that. He gets up and stares down McAlroy, tilting his head to the side.
Arthur La Forge: Tempest reminds me of like, an alien who came here to be a wrestler but doesn’t understand how humans work.
Mary DeSue: Maybe he can just abduct Bert and they can both leave.
Bert nods his head and Tempest continues to star at him, like a predator trying to figure out the best way to strike its prey. They lock up again and Bert gets the reverse waistlock, but Tempest fires back an elbow and runs to bounce off the ropes. Bert ducks his head and this allows Tempest to flail himself at his opponent in an unorthodox flying cross body, followed by a series of strikes. He then grabs McAlroy by the head and runs full speed at the corner, throwing Bert face first into the top turnbuckle.
Arthur La Forge: Tempest like an animal in there, and even Bert’s rookie offense doesn’t come off that..unhinged.
Mary DeSue: Just un-sober.
Tempest tries for an Irish Whip into the opposite side but McAlroy reverses. He then follows Tempest in with a splash in the corner. He backs up and runs in for another, but Tempest suddenly grabs what appears to be a DRIVE-IN SPEAKER from the ground and swings it into the ribcage of McAlroy! He then wraps the wire from the speaker around the throat of McAlroy and dives backward, forcing the wire to choke McAlroy and also slam him backward with a neckbreaker! Cover!
One!
Two!
Bert kicks out!
Arthur La Forge: Drive-ins don’t even use those anymore, do they?
Mary DeSue: Maybe Tempest brought his own?
Arthur La Forge: I guess the drive-in really doesn’t die for him.
Tempest darts outside the ring and lifts up the apron skirt. He sees a ladder and immediately drags it out, although this isn't a ladder match. Bert attempts to baseball slide outside and catch him but Tempest pulls the ladder out of the way. He swings it at McAlroy but Bert ducks, then hits a BONG WATER to the ladder, to the face of Tempest! Cover on the dirt ramp!
One!
Two!
Now Tempest kicks out!
Arthur La Forge: They’re throwing bombs at each other early!
Mary DeSue: Can someone throw an ACTUAL BOMB at Bert?
McAlroy picks up the ladder himself and carries it to the side of the ring, placing it on the apron and the security rail. He then goes back to retrieve the Astro-Creep, making sure to kick him in the head when he does. He attempts to throw Tempest into the ladder bridge, but plants his feet and yanks him backward, tossing him into the corner of the rail! He then takes a step back and drives his knee into Bert's face while it's resting in the corner, slamming the back of his head against the rail! He drags Bert out and covers!
One!
Two!
Another kickout!
Arthur La Forge: Bert proving very resilient tonight, but we’ve come to expect that. He has no regard for his own well being.
Mary DeSue: Which means he’s got a short shelf life. That’s not me being a bitch, that’s just facts.
Tempest grabs Bert and tosses him into the ring, before climbing up onto the apron to follow him. Bert begins to strike at Tempest to get him to back off, but Tempest RAKES THE EYES and then hooks up Bert, and the two are dangerously close to the ladder bridge. Bert rakes Tempest's eyes in return and then attempts a shoulder-thrust, but Tempest raises a knee to the temple! He then pulls Bert out to the apron and tries to hook him up for a BOOMSTICK through the ladder, but Bert shoves him off and Tempest smacks his face against it before crashing to the floor!
Arthur La Forge: A nasty fall for the Cross-Hemisphere Champion!
Mary DeSue: If the stoner doesn’t get you, then gravity will! Welcome to Level Up!
Tempest gets up to his knees and it appears as though his nose has been blooded, but the Creep begins to laugh at the taste of his own blood. Bert doesn't enjoy the mockery and simply hits a thrust kick to the chin, knocking him backward. He then rolls Tempest over into a cover!
One!
Two!
Th--no! Only two. McAlroy gets frustrated and tosses the UGWC Cross-Hemisphere champion back into the ring, before moving over to ringside and grabbing a chair from the timekeeper.
Arthur La Forge: Bert McAlroy seems determined to score the win for Level Up here.
Mary DeSue: I’d complain about the chair, but it is no rules, I guess. Of course it was Bert who wanted that.
Bert slides inside the ring with the weapon and then lays it across the prone body of Tempest, before climbing up to the top and jumping off, kinda, with a FROG SPLASH TO THE CHAIR TO TEMPEST! He clutches at his ribs but rolls Tempest back over!
ONE!
TWO!
THr--NO! Tempest kicks out!
Bert gets frustrated again, as he seems to really want to make LU shine tonight, and so he lays the chair back on Tempest and goes to the apron. He attempts a springboard elbow, but Tempest lifts the chair up into this face! Bert rolls back clutching at his face and Tempest immediately gets up and tries for BOOMSTICK on the chair, but this time Bert reverses into a sloppy katahajime! Tempest tries to fight his way out of it, and it's easier since Bert doesn't have it in tight, and the Creep runs forward and causes Bert's momentum to carry him face-first into the turnbuckle! Tempest then grabs him from behind and hits the BOOMSTICK INTO THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE! Bert drops and he covers!
ONE!
TWO!!
THRE...NO! Bert barely slips his shoulder up! Tempest sits up and stares down at him, although it's impossible to tell what he's thinking.
Arthur La Forge: TWO big shots from both men and both kicked out! They’re brutalizing each other in there all in the name of...well I don’t know what Tempest fights for.
Mary DeSue: The Astro-Creeps? The drive-in mutants?
Arthur La Forge: I’m not even sure he’s fighting for UGWC, that’s for sure.
Tempest gets to his feet and reaches through the ropes, dragging the ladder inside the ring. He grabs Bert and hits a SECOND BOOMSTICK ON THE LADDER! Bert seems completely out of it, but Tempest doesn't' seem to be done! He lays Bert out on the ladder, prone, and climbs up top...and jumps off with a diving knee drop...BUT BERT ROLLS OFF! McAlroy barely gets out of the way and Tempest crashes knee-first onto the ladder! Bert shoves the ladder onto the body of Tempest and then drags himself up top, going slower than he could possibly want, but jumps off and hits MAXIMUM EFFORT ON THE LADDER!!! Bert clutches at his elbow and back, but shoves the ladder aside and throws himself on top!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE--NO! TEMPEST KICKS OUT!
Arthur La Forge: What does it take to put Tempest away? He’s just as stubborn as McAlroy!
Mary DeSue: I knew there was something about him I didn’t like.
Bert slaps his hand on the mat in frustration and rolls outside. Immediately grabbing multiple tables. He drags them down the dirt ramp, setting them up, stacked, in front of the drive-in screen, and he limps back to the ring to retrieve his opponent. He starts to drag Tempest up the ramp, with the two fighting each other the whole way, before Tempest rakes at the eyes. He then hits a DDT on the dirt, before going for a cover!
ONE!
TWO!
NO! Bert kicks out again. Tempest begins grinning again, almost as if he expected it! The UGWC Cross-Hemisphere champion then lays Bert on the first table, making it a macabre sandwich: table, Bert, table. Tempest looks up to the drive-in screen and immediately, to cheers from the crowd, begins to climb it!
Arthur La Forge: I don’t know what Tempest is planning, but it can’t be good for McAlroy.
Mary DeSue: I don’t Tempest ever plans anything ‘good’ for anyone!
Tempest is busy climbing and Bert manages to shake off the cobwebs and slides out of the assembled tables. He immediately goes out into the crowd and YANKS a loose hubcap off of someone's vehicle! He aims at Tempest, who has just got up to the bottom of the screen and fires it off at him like a frisbee! The hubcap connects with Tempest's abdomen, doubling him over! Bert moves over and begins to climb up the other side, going as fast as he can, hubcap in his teeth!
Arthur La Forge: I never thought I’d see a hubcap used in a wrestling match, but then I never thought I’d see two men climbing a drive-in screen in a match either.
Mary DeSue: This is a weird company.
McAlroy gets up to join Tempest and they converge at the middle of the bottom of the screen. McAlroy brings the hubcap down on Tempest's head, before tossing it aside. He then yells out to anyone who will listen…
Bert McAlroy: I'M GONNA THROW HIM THROUGH THE SCREEN, YO!
But suddenly a white object is launched through the crowd and slams into Bert's chest! McAlroy doubles over, trying to catch his breath, and it's revealed that someone launched the t-shirt gun at the Multiplayer champion! Tempest sees his opportunity and scoops up Bert...THEN JUMPS OFF THE DRIVE-IN SCREEN WITH A MOSELEY DRIVER THROUGH THE STACKED TABLES! Tempest has just enough energy to flop an arm onto McAlroy!
ONE!
TWO!!!
THREEE!!!!
Mr. Rad: Here is your winner....from UGWC, sadly....TEMPEST!!!!
Arthur La Forge: I'd like to know who fired that t-shirt, but Tempest has shocked the Level Up crowd by pinning one of their heroes!
Mary DeSue: Tempest is MY hero! WOOOOO!
Arthur La Forge: Of course he is.
Koznar, Daedalus and Pieces all come out and lift up Tempest before he can really react and the larger Creep lifts him up and carries his battered body to the back. McAlroy, meanwhile, is helped up by the referees and several officials. He asks to go to the ring, where he can retrieve his multiplayer glove. They let him and he goes inside, instead reaching down to something that apparently fell out of his pocket during the fight...a blunt. Bloodied, battered, bruised - he tucks the blunt into his mouth and pushes his fist into the Multiplayer glove. Bert raises it above his head and in response he receives the roar of the rally.
Mary DeSue: Someone arrest him! That can't be legal!
Arthur La Forge: It's not in Utah, unless it's medicinal. I'm guessing after what he just took, it's medicinal.
Mary DeSue: And where is YOUR medical degree? Wait, who is that? A fan?
Sure enough, Jaclyn Pierrot slides into the ring behind him. He doesn't notice: his adrenaline pumped and the murmur of the crowd seeming electric. Bert takes another deep drag. As he turns, Jaclyn spits a clear liquid into his face that almost instantly turns to an inferno. The fireball covers the champ's face and he clutches at his eyes.
Arthur La Forge: WHAT was that?
Mary DeSue: Payback! Bert started it last show, you know!
Bert has no time to remove his glove so he just swung his fist. He connects with a glancing blow against her shoulder and instinctually follows up by lunging to catch her. The clown, ever nimble, is able to duck out of the way and reach over to grab his nose. Before you could say honk, Bert spins around and hits her square on the side of the face. Bert pushes into her but is caught from behind by James Wilcox and Isaac!! Still in blind-fury mode, he kicks out, sending Jaclyn into the turnbuckle. Her smile turns grim and she runs forward, diving into the air. Her knee collides with Bert's jaw and his head shoots back. His knees buckle, but he is held upright.
Bert McAlroy: Bitch.
He spits blood, but unable to see, just misses her. Her fist, however, aims true. The crowd explodes and Ahmya comes steaming towards the ring. Drake Wilcox steps into her path, but she is able to slide between his legs and continue her momentum onto her feet, up on the apron, and into a springboard. Jaclyn moved to intercept, but gets caught around the neck with a huricanrana!
Arthur La Forge: Yes! Get 'em, Ahmya!
Mary DeSue: Hey look, another thing she's here to ruin.
Arthur La Forge: And you'd prefer the mugging?
Mary DeSue: MAYBE!
Jaclyn gets back to her feet but Ahmya is on top of her with a flurry of blows that drive the jester back. Ahmya draws back for one big shot but a giant pair of arms wrapped her up in a full nelson. Drake pulls her off her feet. Furious, Jaclyn drives a fist into her stomach. Bert propels himself forward, screaming at the clown-faced woman. He makes some headway, but the Faction holds firm. Jaclyn points to Bert, and Drake swings Ahyma to where she could see her partner - the two lock eyes. Gina hands Jaclyn the chair that was used earlier, and she taps it to the canvas, took a step, and swings. The chair cracks across Bert's already bloodied face with a BANG. [/i[
Arthur La Forge: Come on, STOP THIS!
Jaclyn doesn't stop. Bang. Ahmya stared into the space between them. Bang. Again. Bert gives in - a man can only take so much. He is held upright, but of no volition of his own. The clown set the chair onto the ground, circling behind her prey. Jaclyn pulled his limp arms behind him, foot on the back of his head. Her foot drives his skull into the chair with a sickening crack. Bert was still and Ahyma was lost and distant. Still held in Drake's arms, her eyes looked past her fallen partner.
Arthur La Forge: That was sickening. I think the fun and games are over with the Ragdoll.
Mary DeSue: Yeah that...I mean...
Arthur La Forge: What? You're happy with this?
Mary DeSue: No! Bert's a jerk and I was just hoping they'd beat him up a little bit but not...she went too far!
Arthur La Forge: For once, we agree.
Jaclyn mocks Ahmya, rubbing her eyes, as she pretends to cry. She motions her hit squad towards the exit. The group began to stalk their way back and Drake finally tosses Ahmya forward towards her fallen partner where she pulled his head into her lap, eyes hollow and distant.
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Joe Bob once again can be found sitting outside his trailer, a brand new Lone Star beer in his hand.
Joe Bob:Well there you have it folks: gory, gritty, a goddern good time - I give it four stars cause hey, there's worse ways to spend a Wednesday afternoon.
Darcy: It's Tuesday, Joe Bob.
Joe Bob takes a look at his watch.
Joe Bob: Tuesday? This dern thing must be fast. Speaking of time, how about those Time Jumpers, huh? Not every day you see Time Travel in wrestling. Hey, speaking of time travel, how many of you remember the show Quantum Leap? 'Oh boy,' remember that Darcy?
Darcy: I don't know about that one, Joe.
Joe Bob: 'Oh boy,' is what Sam Beckett would say at the end of every episode. You know, Scott Bakula, who played Sam Beckett, actually improvised that line on the first day and they liked it so much they kept it and included it as a 'catch phrase' every time Sam would leap bodies. This show is of course not to be confused with Sliders because Sliding is dimensionsional travel and leaping is time jumping. When it comes to other dimensions, how 'bout that Ahmya chick? She's a bit spooky isn't she? There's something going on in her head and the safe bet is to probably be a few blocks away when it gets loose, if you know what I mean.
Darcy: That's probably the safe bet.
Joe Bob: I would say so. Well that about does it for us tonight! Say goodnight, Darcy!
Darcy: Goodnight, Darcy.
Joe Bob: 'Oh boy.' This is Joe Bob Briggs reminding you to always wear a cup no matter how big you are and that the Drive-In will never die. Hey Darcy, how do you feel about a blonde joke tonight?
Darcy: Do I have a choice?
Joe Bob: You’ll like this one. A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and says, "Who wants to hear some blonde jokes?" The waitress says "I'm blonde! And my coworker is blonde, too. Also, the lady sitting next to you is blonde as well. Are you sure you want to tell them?" The blind guy says "No, I guess not. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Darcy rolls her eyes and the crew chuckles as we fade to black.
Listen while you check out our new CREDITS:
Cold Open + Video: Joe
Joe Bob Intro: Ragdoll
The Time Jumpers vs. Erika Crawford & Drew Dangerous: Jay
Jennifer Williams vs. Ahmya: Dubs
A Courageous Coming Attraction: Jay
Brandon Hendrix vs. Teddy Warren: Dubs
The Faction Is Not Afraid: Featherman
Lord Raab vs. Jenny vs. Ragdoll: Joe
Joe Bob Calls Felissa: Ragdoll
Sidroy Covington IV vs. Dude WaLuigi: Jay
The Faction vs. Adam Miller, Dionysus & Chef Andre Poelon: Dubs
Duncan Shepard & Don Tirri vs. Larry Tact & Sah’ta Thor: Hendrix
Magdalena Lockheart & Eli Goode vs. EA Blizzard & Sister Sin: Bert
Bert McAlroy vs. Tempest: Joe
The Clown Gets The Last Laugh: Ragdoll
Joe Bob Outro: Ragdoll
Judges: Joe, Jay, Duane, as usual
