Post by joeycrash on Mar 27, 2022 19:29:48 GMT -5
Three days after TLOU2
The comedown from the match with Bert at The Last of Us II still hadn’t happened. The first world championship of his long career - albeit with an eight year pause in the middle - had given Joey the opportunity to take stock of the important things in life. Now that he could definitively say his return to wrestling was a success, it was time to put down some roots. An email from Level Up HR on behalf of The Developer which included some upgrades to his contract and a juicy championship bonus meant that Joey could seriously consider having a permanent place to live in the States. No more living out of cheap motels, where he could help it.
Despite the appeal of throwing darts at a map and making a road trip of it, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he somehow belonged in Michigan. His last federation prior to his sabbatical was in nearby Plymouth– which was also the place where his old manager, Mick, lived out the rest of his days. He was buried there too, despite being Northern Irish and having family in Florida. He was a stubborn and mysterious man, even in death.
“Soooo… What do you think? It’s brand new! Comes furnished and is ready for you to move in whenever you want. It’s got two bedrooms, a generous balcony… It’s a hot market, I need to know where you stand because there’s a lot more people wanting to view this gorgeous place. Did I mention the wet room?” Joey turned to face the realtor who was squinting in the light coming in from the large window where Joey had been spacing out.
“I’ll take it. As is.”
“You have excellent taste! Now let me just grab you a pen…” The realtor grabbed an enormous padded zip-up folder and opened it up, talking through interest rates, deposits and other mind numbing financial options. Joey resumed gazing through the window which had a view over Grand River and the nearby bridges connecting the two halves of the city. Despite the picturesque scenery, he couldn’t stop rewinding through the card game he’d played with Mick before the pay-per-view
Was his championship victory really a result of him beating the ghost of his old manager in a card game? Did he just hallucinate the entire thing? And what if he had lost? There was no middle ground in the possible outcomes, according to the mystic. It was either great fortune or a fate worse than death. Judging by the gold strap he had in his duffle bag he should be able to rest comfortably. I’m not a superstitious man, Joey thought to himself, but fate is not without a sense of humour.
“Sir? I’ll just need your signature and a couple of initials… here, here, here, here, here, here, oh– here… Here and just one more… Here. Oh and here… And it's as good as yours!"
Crash shook his wrist, now aching after the marathon of signing. The apartment already felt like his own– the magic of paperwork, he thought to himself. It was a lavish place by British standards. He grew up in a place about half the size with family but he has this place all to himself. He plonked himself on the sofa and flicked on the TV, which came up with a sports channel featuring a gaudy, overly tanned man in a bright blue suit.
"...Hahaha, hoooo boy you said it. Well, it's coming up to three o'clock so it is time! It's tiiiiime! IT’S TIIIIIIIME!! For Breaking News with Denzel Porter!" The screen cuts to a camera on a crane as it dramatically swoops down to the same desk just off to the side of the host’s, as the man himself, the font of all things happening and current, the Ghost of Christmas Present, Denzel Porter appeared on screen. Crash leaned forwards and put the duffle bag on his lap, unzipping it slightly so he could feel the cold metal of the championship.
“Yes it is time– thank you, Tony– for Breaking News! I am your host, Denzel Porter and today– We’re going to kick things off with Level Up Wrestling as it has been a blockbuster weekend for one man in particular, Duncan Shepard!”
A graphic appears on the screen of Shepard standing at the end of the gauntlet, battered and broken but with an arm raised in triumph. Joey clenched his jaw and felt his stomach knot at not only the mention of Shepard but also the fact that he, the new Final Boss Champion, didn’t get top billing on this update.
“Now Denzel,” Tony the host interrupted, “I’ve heard he’s been on something of a– a hot streak as of late!”
“You want to talk about hot streaks? Look no further than this dude, Duncan Shepard. This athlete, this absolute specimen has been tearing it up for all of 2021 as the Power Champion, putting on clinic after clinic. His finishing move, Reaper’s Bane, is one of the most potent and deadly moves in the game today and it has put away more people than I can count! Now, where’s he’s fallen short a couple times is on the big stage. Shepard lost the Power Championship at Final Fantasy back in January- which ironically has freed him up for his current spot - but more importantly and most intriguingly he had the chance to earn a Final Boss Championship match in a triple threat match against Sidroy Covington and Bert McAlroy back in November last year- and he couldn’t get the job done! Now in all fairness to the man, he wasn’t pinned in that match but he didn’t win it either, you know what I mean? This dude works and he works and he works but hasn’t had his big break until now!”
“So as I understand it, Duncan Shepard finally has a shot at the Final Boss Championship?”
“You are correct-- Less than seventy two hours ago, Duncan Shepard won The Last of Us Gauntlet, a 30 person elimination match to get to this spot. It’s pretty funny, the dude couldn’t do it in a triple threat but if you stick 27 other dudes in there, he gets the job done! But listen, this is only one half of the equation. Because a new Final Boss Champion was crowned on that very same night! And it’s this dude right here - Joey Crash.”
The image on the screen changes to one of Crash, bloodied and holding the Final Boss Championship. Joey leaned forward in his seat.
“Now this dude, practically came out of nowhere. Six months ago, nobody knew who this guy was! He debuted in Level Up after an eight year absence from professional wrestling, he was a footnote on the history of wrestling and had he not returned, nobody- AND I MEAN NOBODY, not even I would have remembered who he was! This dude’s achievements were as thin as his hairline, know what I’m saying?”
Both hosts laughed at this joke - maybe even too much. The realtor tried to show Joey another part of the apartment but he as quickly shushed. He stood up in anticipation of what they might say next.
“But all that aside, he’s had a crazy time in Level Up too! He’s only been there about six months or whatever, but with the notable exception of Victoria Salinas - he’s disposed of almost everybody put in his way. And what’s more, he’s undefeated at these big events, Tony! Where D.S. can get performance anxiety on the big stage, this guy knocks it out of the park and leaves the with the dub! Now let me ask you this. Who is more dangerous: The guy who twice beat the champion that Shepard couldn’t? Or the guy who battled 29 other dudes to earn the shot at the new champ? Now how about you answer that one for me, huh Tony?”
“Hahaha, don't put me on the spot like that! I can't call that one!”
“Well, we’re soon gonna find out! Check it on your calendars, people! Scribble it down on a piece of paper, stick that to the fridge, and put the fridge in your bedroom so you don’t get forget! May 10th! Joey Crash and Duncan Shepard are gonna tough it out to determine the biggest, the strongest, the baddest man in all of Level Up Wrestling and maybe, the entire wor–” click
Joey stood there in the living room, as if he was still absorbing everything that was said. The realtor stood slack jawed behind the couch at Joey as if he’d had a revelation.
“Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize who you were until now! You’re… Buster Gloves, right?”
“Get out of my house.”
Guy Manson. It’s a weird name for a weird guy. Fitting, I suppose. I’ve faced a few weirdos in my time. But I think you might take the cake. Literally and metaphorically speaking. It’s like Level Up left the backdoor open and you’ve just wandered in here like a weasel. If you’re smart you’ll walk straight back outside. But I’m not going to pretend I know how you think, if you even have thoughts at all. But I’ll put it plainly, so even you can understand. I’m the Final Boss Champion and that means I’m going to win this match.
I’m not about to let a printer whose gained sentience get a sneaky win over yours truly. You know why? I’m going to jam your paper and piledriver your ink cartridges. And once I’ve done that, I’m going to buy some off-brand toner and make it incredibly difficult for Johnny Hitmaker to print anything. Anyone who still does all their paperwork in actual paper needs to be euthanized. Yes, I’m in that kind of mood today.
But here’s the simple truth - and I’ll explain it with logic. Ahem. You’re a fucking weirdo whose got zero chance of keeping up with me in any capacity. You want to have a scrap? Easy. Bake off? Done. Swimming? You look like you’ve never touched a drop of water in your life. I am your ultimate foe in this match up, Guy! There’s no competition on Earth - which is where you are now - where you have a prayer’s chance of beating me, pure and simple.
I’ve never wrestled an iPod Shuffle before but to be honest, I’m looking forward to it. I had an iPod Shuffle once, it was blue. Mine was stolen from me when I was sixteen years old, remember those belt clips? Those were the days. Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. I’m going to choke the shit out of you and poke your disgusting soulless eyes out. Then once I’ve found your off-switch I’m going to send you back to Apple for repairs and a software update. Then once you’re back to factory settings, I’m going to re-boot you down a flight of fire escape stairs and accidentally forget to bring you inside when it rains. Just look at your goofy alien face. Steve Jobs did not die for this.
Listen. I’m the Final Boss Champion. I didn’t get here by underestimating my opposition. So bring whatever you’ve got, obviously The Developer sees something in you that I don’t. But don’t get cocky. This match with me is the closest you’re ever going to get to touching gold, bucko. At EXP 22, I’m going to control-alt-delete your ass and there’s nothing you can do about it.
The comedown from the match with Bert at The Last of Us II still hadn’t happened. The first world championship of his long career - albeit with an eight year pause in the middle - had given Joey the opportunity to take stock of the important things in life. Now that he could definitively say his return to wrestling was a success, it was time to put down some roots. An email from Level Up HR on behalf of The Developer which included some upgrades to his contract and a juicy championship bonus meant that Joey could seriously consider having a permanent place to live in the States. No more living out of cheap motels, where he could help it.
Despite the appeal of throwing darts at a map and making a road trip of it, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he somehow belonged in Michigan. His last federation prior to his sabbatical was in nearby Plymouth– which was also the place where his old manager, Mick, lived out the rest of his days. He was buried there too, despite being Northern Irish and having family in Florida. He was a stubborn and mysterious man, even in death.
“Soooo… What do you think? It’s brand new! Comes furnished and is ready for you to move in whenever you want. It’s got two bedrooms, a generous balcony… It’s a hot market, I need to know where you stand because there’s a lot more people wanting to view this gorgeous place. Did I mention the wet room?” Joey turned to face the realtor who was squinting in the light coming in from the large window where Joey had been spacing out.
“I’ll take it. As is.”
“You have excellent taste! Now let me just grab you a pen…” The realtor grabbed an enormous padded zip-up folder and opened it up, talking through interest rates, deposits and other mind numbing financial options. Joey resumed gazing through the window which had a view over Grand River and the nearby bridges connecting the two halves of the city. Despite the picturesque scenery, he couldn’t stop rewinding through the card game he’d played with Mick before the pay-per-view
Was his championship victory really a result of him beating the ghost of his old manager in a card game? Did he just hallucinate the entire thing? And what if he had lost? There was no middle ground in the possible outcomes, according to the mystic. It was either great fortune or a fate worse than death. Judging by the gold strap he had in his duffle bag he should be able to rest comfortably. I’m not a superstitious man, Joey thought to himself, but fate is not without a sense of humour.
“Sir? I’ll just need your signature and a couple of initials… here, here, here, here, here, here, oh– here… Here and just one more… Here. Oh and here… And it's as good as yours!"
Crash shook his wrist, now aching after the marathon of signing. The apartment already felt like his own– the magic of paperwork, he thought to himself. It was a lavish place by British standards. He grew up in a place about half the size with family but he has this place all to himself. He plonked himself on the sofa and flicked on the TV, which came up with a sports channel featuring a gaudy, overly tanned man in a bright blue suit.
"...Hahaha, hoooo boy you said it. Well, it's coming up to three o'clock so it is time! It's tiiiiime! IT’S TIIIIIIIME!! For Breaking News with Denzel Porter!" The screen cuts to a camera on a crane as it dramatically swoops down to the same desk just off to the side of the host’s, as the man himself, the font of all things happening and current, the Ghost of Christmas Present, Denzel Porter appeared on screen. Crash leaned forwards and put the duffle bag on his lap, unzipping it slightly so he could feel the cold metal of the championship.
“Yes it is time– thank you, Tony– for Breaking News! I am your host, Denzel Porter and today– We’re going to kick things off with Level Up Wrestling as it has been a blockbuster weekend for one man in particular, Duncan Shepard!”
A graphic appears on the screen of Shepard standing at the end of the gauntlet, battered and broken but with an arm raised in triumph. Joey clenched his jaw and felt his stomach knot at not only the mention of Shepard but also the fact that he, the new Final Boss Champion, didn’t get top billing on this update.
“Now Denzel,” Tony the host interrupted, “I’ve heard he’s been on something of a– a hot streak as of late!”
“You want to talk about hot streaks? Look no further than this dude, Duncan Shepard. This athlete, this absolute specimen has been tearing it up for all of 2021 as the Power Champion, putting on clinic after clinic. His finishing move, Reaper’s Bane, is one of the most potent and deadly moves in the game today and it has put away more people than I can count! Now, where’s he’s fallen short a couple times is on the big stage. Shepard lost the Power Championship at Final Fantasy back in January- which ironically has freed him up for his current spot - but more importantly and most intriguingly he had the chance to earn a Final Boss Championship match in a triple threat match against Sidroy Covington and Bert McAlroy back in November last year- and he couldn’t get the job done! Now in all fairness to the man, he wasn’t pinned in that match but he didn’t win it either, you know what I mean? This dude works and he works and he works but hasn’t had his big break until now!”
“So as I understand it, Duncan Shepard finally has a shot at the Final Boss Championship?”
“You are correct-- Less than seventy two hours ago, Duncan Shepard won The Last of Us Gauntlet, a 30 person elimination match to get to this spot. It’s pretty funny, the dude couldn’t do it in a triple threat but if you stick 27 other dudes in there, he gets the job done! But listen, this is only one half of the equation. Because a new Final Boss Champion was crowned on that very same night! And it’s this dude right here - Joey Crash.”
The image on the screen changes to one of Crash, bloodied and holding the Final Boss Championship. Joey leaned forward in his seat.
“Now this dude, practically came out of nowhere. Six months ago, nobody knew who this guy was! He debuted in Level Up after an eight year absence from professional wrestling, he was a footnote on the history of wrestling and had he not returned, nobody- AND I MEAN NOBODY, not even I would have remembered who he was! This dude’s achievements were as thin as his hairline, know what I’m saying?”
Both hosts laughed at this joke - maybe even too much. The realtor tried to show Joey another part of the apartment but he as quickly shushed. He stood up in anticipation of what they might say next.
“But all that aside, he’s had a crazy time in Level Up too! He’s only been there about six months or whatever, but with the notable exception of Victoria Salinas - he’s disposed of almost everybody put in his way. And what’s more, he’s undefeated at these big events, Tony! Where D.S. can get performance anxiety on the big stage, this guy knocks it out of the park and leaves the with the dub! Now let me ask you this. Who is more dangerous: The guy who twice beat the champion that Shepard couldn’t? Or the guy who battled 29 other dudes to earn the shot at the new champ? Now how about you answer that one for me, huh Tony?”
“Hahaha, don't put me on the spot like that! I can't call that one!”
“Well, we’re soon gonna find out! Check it on your calendars, people! Scribble it down on a piece of paper, stick that to the fridge, and put the fridge in your bedroom so you don’t get forget! May 10th! Joey Crash and Duncan Shepard are gonna tough it out to determine the biggest, the strongest, the baddest man in all of Level Up Wrestling and maybe, the entire wor–” click
Joey stood there in the living room, as if he was still absorbing everything that was said. The realtor stood slack jawed behind the couch at Joey as if he’d had a revelation.
“Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize who you were until now! You’re… Buster Gloves, right?”
“Get out of my house.”
[PROMO]
I’m not about to let a printer whose gained sentience get a sneaky win over yours truly. You know why? I’m going to jam your paper and piledriver your ink cartridges. And once I’ve done that, I’m going to buy some off-brand toner and make it incredibly difficult for Johnny Hitmaker to print anything. Anyone who still does all their paperwork in actual paper needs to be euthanized. Yes, I’m in that kind of mood today.
But here’s the simple truth - and I’ll explain it with logic. Ahem. You’re a fucking weirdo whose got zero chance of keeping up with me in any capacity. You want to have a scrap? Easy. Bake off? Done. Swimming? You look like you’ve never touched a drop of water in your life. I am your ultimate foe in this match up, Guy! There’s no competition on Earth - which is where you are now - where you have a prayer’s chance of beating me, pure and simple.
I’ve never wrestled an iPod Shuffle before but to be honest, I’m looking forward to it. I had an iPod Shuffle once, it was blue. Mine was stolen from me when I was sixteen years old, remember those belt clips? Those were the days. Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. I’m going to choke the shit out of you and poke your disgusting soulless eyes out. Then once I’ve found your off-switch I’m going to send you back to Apple for repairs and a software update. Then once you’re back to factory settings, I’m going to re-boot you down a flight of fire escape stairs and accidentally forget to bring you inside when it rains. Just look at your goofy alien face. Steve Jobs did not die for this.
Listen. I’m the Final Boss Champion. I didn’t get here by underestimating my opposition. So bring whatever you’ve got, obviously The Developer sees something in you that I don’t. But don’t get cocky. This match with me is the closest you’re ever going to get to touching gold, bucko. At EXP 22, I’m going to control-alt-delete your ass and there’s nothing you can do about it.
