Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2022 22:43:23 GMT -5
I was sitting down in a living room area watching my victory over Diamond Steele. I was feeling a bit happy, but there was a part of me that didn’t seem like it was fulfilling at all. In my mind, I knew that I was expecting to beat Diamond and that may have nullified that thrill for me. I saw a note by the monitor and I stood up from where I was sitting to grab it. I picked it up and opened it, looking at what it said…
“In order to be happy with yourself, you’ve got to overcome the mindset that made you unhappy to begin with…” I read aloud to myself as I put the note down. I was a bit confused as to what this meant. I didn’t try to overthink much of it when I walked to the door, opened it and found myself surprised when I found myself in that familiar dark hallway I’ve been in before, My white outfit absolutely clashed with the darkness and the blackness of the hallway.
“What in the hell does that mean?” I asked myself. “Overcome the mindset that made me unhappy to begin with?”
Then, without warning, I could hear voices in the hallway. I couldn’t tell if they were ghosts or if they were figments of my imagination, but nevertheless, the voices got louder and harsher.
“You’re nothing without professional wrestling…” one of the voices said. I was stunned to hear this, but this was just the beginning.
“You’re a failure without a world title…” said another voice.
“You’re defined by misery…”
“You’re defined by the titles you win…”
“You have to be a champion and you have to hold gold or else you feel worthless…”
“Nobody cares about you… you’ve known that for the longest time, haven’t you?”
“You’re defined by your past. You can never let go of it. You’re always burdened by your present failures because you’re not living up to that past.”
I was starting to shudder with fear for a bit. I didn’t know where the voices were coming from but I was starting to make out who the voice was…
“That can’t be…” I said to myself.
“From the moment you entered Level Up Wrestling, you’ve always felt like an insecure piece of shit. Maybe that’s exactly what you are. Maybe you’re just not good enough to be part of the company. You wouldn’t have beaten Joey Crash twice if it weren’t for shenanigans. You’re fading from the limelight. The Game Changers made you and then once they realized how fucking worthless you are, they dumped you like a bad habit. You act like you don’t need me… but when I was YOUR personal game master, you were dominating everything…”
“...why does that voice sound like… ME?”
“BECAUSE I AM YOU! IDIOT!”
My eyes widened with shock as the door in front of me opened and my ‘darker half’ so to speak, wearing the same attire that I was, except it was colored black to contrast my white color, came out. She saw me and she just snickered at me.
“You got rid of me just over ONE loss, huh? You’re weaker than even I thought you were. Let’s face it. You can’t succeed in Level Up Wrestling without the darkness you’ve always had in your heart. You can’t make it without the bitterness that drove you to what you were. And now? Without me? You’re settling for cheap wins over Waluigis and Diamond Steeles? You’re PATHETIC!”
Never before have I wanted to punch myself in the face, but in this warped virtual reality situation, that’s exactly what I wanted to do.
“What do you want from me?” I asked my darker half.
“I want you to let me take over again. I can feel your pain. I can sense that you feel so insecure because you went from challenging for the Wisdom title to being just another wrestler on the roster in a short amount of time. You’ve always been a weak little SCHMUCK who has always tried to do good and yet all it’s ever gotten you is taken advantage of and being made an example over and over. All of these world titles and so few notice. Aw… that’s gotta be painful. So Ahmya wins and now you want to BE her all over again? What kind of WOMAN are you? You’re a weakling just like your mother always was…”
“You really think I’m going to let you take control?” I asked my darker half, who did nothing but laugh in my face.
“You already did, remember. You cracked. Six years of taking so much abuse and then you finally gave in. Didn’t it feel good to give into that hidden impulse, Victoria? Did it not feel great to finally stop giving a fuck about doing the right thing for a business that never appreciated you? You lost ONE match and you gave into me… and then you lost ONE match and you gave up on me. How are you going to succeed in that company when in your heart, you don’t even know what you want? How can you survive without the support of everyone you turned your back on to begin with? You deserved what Casey did to you. You got triggered by the stupid tag team thing… and you did GREAT with it. Now? You’re just lost… no direction… no future. Not challenging for any titles… just… there…”
Hearing that truth from my darker half, even though I wanted to dismiss it as nothing more than bullshit, definitely stung me a little.
“Your mistake wasn’t giving into me… it was giving up on me. Screw happiness! Power is all that matters. Titles are all that matters. World Championships and NOTHING else matters! Being the BEST is what matters. Dominating and destroying everything in your past matters. It’s not about doing the right thing, idiot! It’s about doing what you have to do. Look at what doing the right thing is getting you. You’re forgotten about and your “best friend” is about to do what you couldn’t. Go ahead… hate him… you know you want to…”
“Buster isn’t a bad guy…” I snapped back. “And you know… you’re feeding me nothing but bullshit. You preyed on me once. You took advantage of my weaknesses and my insecurities. You took advantage of my pain. You fed off of the fact that at one point in time, I DID define and value myself by the championships that I hold, but no matter how many titles I won, I was never happy with anything. I don’t want to live like that anymore. This isn’t to say I don’t want to win a world title again but wrestling’s not about that. I don’t want to be defined by gold. I made the stupid mistake of defining myself that way, because I couldn’t be happy with myself otherwise… and I went down that path because for years, I used this business as a crutch to compensate for my past and my awful upbringing…”
“So you’re telling me that you want to be that stupid, meek little bitch that got bullied during her high school years? Is that it?”
This is when I began to grow incredibly angry.
“That ‘meek little bitch’ is a stronger woman than YOU’LL ever be. What YOU are is nothing more than the toxic portion of my personality. I ‘gave birth’ to you the moment I decided to become a wrestler and you turned into a monster when I let the fame get to my head. I’m DONE having you around. I’m exhausted by years of you casting a shadow over me and trying to tempt me to accept you and to let you take over with nothing but lies and false promises. I don’t need you and I never did.”
“You’re kidding right?” my darker half said with a scoff, almost as if she couldn’t believe what my lighter half was saying. “You NEED ME! That anger… that fire you dropped in promos especially leading up to that Wisdom title match… that’s what YOU need to be!”
“I don’t need to be SHIT. I refuse to let you control me or tempt me ANY longer! I HATE YOU! You will NEVER cause me to spiral down that old path again! So, why don’t you go away, leave me alone and NEVER try to tempt me again?”
“PFFFT… whatever BITCH!”
I could only narrow my eyes with anger at this point.
Before I could say another word, my dark half walked through the door that she came from. There was this determined anger that was going through me. I was hoping that I would find a way to get rid of her so that she wouldn’t haunt me anymore. I didn’t. So much of me was angry that I couldn’t get rid of the worst part of me that drove me to be the worst that I was during the time I was in the Game Changers. I walked back through my own door and turned on the television, causing a bright light to flash…
“Wow…” I said with a sigh as I removed a virtual reality helmet I was wearing. “...well, they didn’t say that virtual reality therapy was THAT scary…”
“Fascinating, isn’t it?” Dr. Jansen said to me as I soaked up what just happened in her office.
“Seeing the worst part of me… I was floored…” I admitted. “I mean… to realize I was THAT bad… THAT miserable… that I used to define an empty, fleeting happiness by titles all to compensate for a childhood that I never healed from… the realization haunts me…”
“It’s a good starting point…” she reassured me. “...many wrestlers get caught up in their fame and success and develop an addiction for it because they always have to compensate for something. It’s like a drug…”
“So to be happy, I have to purge that darkness that grew in my heart for so long?”
“Effectively…” Dr. Jansen said with confidence. “Here’s a start for you. You made it in professional wrestling. You got through training. You made it mainstream. Here’s a question for the 19-year-old Victoria that started her training back in 2007. Think about it from HER perspective. IF she made it mainstream, yet never won a championship at all and was honestly never that successful, would she STILL have been happy?”
“She would’ve been because she got to realize a dream. When I was 19, I just wanted to ‘make it’. I didn’t care about titles or the fame that came with them. I just wanted to MAKE IT. I had such low expectations knowing that the majority of wrestling trainees never even make it to the Indies let alone a global company.”
“I suggest taking that perspective into your next match…” Dr. Jansen advised. “I’ll see you again soon…”
We parted ways at that point and I certainly came out of that virtual reality therapy with so much to think about…
Later…
The camera was on me as I was sitting on my front porch reading a psychology textbook. Once I realized that the camera was rolling, I wasted no time putting it down and expressing my thoughts.
“People in this business don’t realize how powerful the ‘id’ really is. Okay, yes, I’m talking Sigmund Freud here and I’m not giving an oral thesis here, but for those that are unaware, the ‘id’ is the impulsive part of one’s psyche which responds to basic needs, urges and desires. Let that ‘id’ get out of control and you’ve got yourself on an obsessive, egomaniacal downward spiral… you know… like I was on during my time with the Game Changers. It’s this ‘id’ that makes you feel like what you are isn’t good enough and it pushes you to do whatever you have to do to compensate for that insecurity. Of course, you’d know all about that wouldn’t you, Peter Vaughn? You’re a walking ‘id’ that is completely out of control. Your story speaks for itself. You were that happy-go-lucky wrestler that was just happy to be here, then you got fed up with all the losing that you were once known for. I’m not criticizing you for deciding to be better and to become a much improved wrestler that has won four world titles. Motivation isn’t a bad thing. But from what I’ve heard you say before, you’re starting to become too impulsive and you’re starting to feel like what you’ve gained isn’t good enough.
Someone like you can’t afford to slip and fall for FEAR that they are going to slip back to the ‘nothing’ that they once were. That’s YOU in a nutshell. I’m speaking from experience because I’m working on overcoming that fear myself. I grew up a ‘nobody’ in the eyes of many and this business was my way to compensate for that for years. I let that ‘id’ of my own get completely out of control. What you are, Peter, is someone that is just like I was. Wanna call BS on that? Listen to your own words. Listen to yourself say ‘compassion makes fools of us all’. So being a world championship wrestler means more to you than being a decent human being huh? It’s amazing how much fame, fortune and glory REALLY changes a person. Yeah, you took THAT straight out of my old playbook. You said it yourself, you wanted to be in that Last of Us match to make a big splash and surprise the world indicating a lack of faith in yourself. YOU felt you HAD to have that… which indicates an unfulfilled id that… until you REALLY work on yourself there… you will NEVER be able to control or fulfill… and you’ll NEVER be able to slay the internal demons inside of you.
I get it Peter, years of being the proverbial punching bag finally broke you the way it broke me…
We’ve got THAT in common. SHOOT, you even have disdain for tag team matches down just like I did. Teaming with Jason Ryan is a dream killer huh? I know that for some in this company, it’s the pot calling the kettle black here, but WOW, talk about being so UNGRATEFUL! Oh right, that was a ‘joke’. Sure. I mean, your motivations are so self-serving. Where do you want to begin? Oh you want to be ‘the next force’ huh? Hey, that’s something I’ve never heard before… SARCASM… You’re sitting over there talking about wanting ALL the attention. Oh right, that’s something I’ve never heard before. MORE sarcasm! Been there, done that Peter. I’ve even got the damn t-shirt. You’re going to come into this match looking at me and acting like I’m just a stepping stone for you because that’s how wrestlers like YOU think! It’s that id that makes you think you’re above learning a damn thing and that you’re above just about anyone that steps in front of you. It makes you impulsive and makes you lack a real perspective in this business.
You shamelessly admit that you’ll bend the rules to get where you want to get to in this business which is again, a symptom of the id disease that you clearly have. Hell, answer me this. Do you even KNOW where you want to get to in this business or do you just speak of it because the truth of the matter is, if you take the time to REALLY think about it, which someone as psychologically impulsive as you wouldn’t even come close to taking the time to put things into a real perspective, there is no such THING as this ‘ultimate destination’ in this business. People talk about how they want to ‘get to where they want to be’, but because the id never stops being impulsive, once they “get there”, they aren’t satisfied for long, then the cycle begins again with the wrestler saying that they want to get to SOMEWHERE ELSE they want to be. These supposed destinations that a wrestler set for itself is really a glorified stop along the way.
And the fact of the matter is, NO professional wrestler EVER gets to where they want to be no matter HOW many world championships they win or how successful they are throughout their career because like you, they’re all raising the bar on themselves and feeling like a big piece of garbage and a failure when they are unable to reach that bar anymore. That’s what happened to me back at the Last of Us, Peter… and that’s not something that has happened to you. That’s what makes YOU a VERY vulnerable opponent this week. Living through that whole experience puts me at an ADVANTAGE over you at a psychological level because it’s given me one HELL of a perspective that you are LACKING. You think you’re building and living in a tower that’s made of ivory there, Peter but in reality, that tower is made of glass and all it takes is one match, one moment, before that tower shatters and comes crumbling down, taking you and your ego that you inflated with your four world championships among other things down with you. You’re the wrestler that doesn’t know the danger that they’re actually in.
You’re like the proverbial frog in the boiling pot of water. Turn that water on and the frog doesn’t sense danger. Then that water gets hotter and hotter and by that time that damn frog realizes they’re in danger… TOO LATE! They’re dead in the water, no pun intended. You’ve got the attitude of someone that thinks that they’re too damn good to ever learn anything new. That motivation that you had that got you out of the gutter isn’t there anymore because you figure with your four world titles, you’ve already got it made and that you’re already entitled to the spotlight in this company. In this match, there are TWO wrestlers with similar journeys: one of whom has lost the perspective of how they got to where they are and for a change, that wrestler isn’t me. Want to overlook me and just act like I’m a stepping stone? Fine. Want to run me down for the Last of Us? Hey, you’re the one that feels the need to do that just to make yourself feel better. It’s the oldest damn trick in the wrestling book. Want to take ONE LOSS and spin it like the sky is falling, hey be my guest. You’re the one that makes yourself look like the idiot if you do. Want to spin me being dropped by the Game Changers and make it seem like this ultra devastating thing for me? SURE! Be predictable as all hell! Keep setting yourself up for the downfall that you are clearly unaware is happening all around you.
This week? I shatter that glass tower you’ve been building up in other places. It’s not because I want to, it’s not because I have to, it’s because you’re just another egomaniacal wrestler that thinks that they’re invincible and untouchable. Keep letting that success get to your head there, Peter. Keep thinking that you won’t have any internal demons to slay. You do… you just don’t know it yet. That ID is going to be your downfall this week when you walk into that ring with the attitude of someone that thinks they’re too good to wrestle me and you know the saying: pride goes before the fall. Take it from someone that had it happen to them at the Last of Us. Unlike YOU? I’m going to quit defining my happiness in this business by fame, fortune and championships. Unlike YOU, I’ve got that proper perspective for this business now. Don’t believe me? Fine. But let me tell you one thing, from your own, impulsive, fucked up perspective, you’re in for a total shock to your own messed up system. Your ‘pleasure principle’ is going to be left completely unsatisfied… oh who am I kidding, it ALWAYS is… that’s why you have the attitude that you do about the business to begin with.
But this week? Oh god, once I’m done with humbling you at EXP, that ‘pleasure principle’ within you is about to be left completely dry and it’s going to REALLY mess with your ego. Hey, take it from an expert who was humbled herself recently. You’re going to be a continuation of me continuing to slay the internal demons that once plagued me, Peter. And when it’s all said and done? This company WILL know me and what I am TRULY about!”
With that, I shut off the camera that is in front of me and continue to maintain a calm, internal presence by picking up the book I was reading and continuing my own psychological self-study…
“In order to be happy with yourself, you’ve got to overcome the mindset that made you unhappy to begin with…” I read aloud to myself as I put the note down. I was a bit confused as to what this meant. I didn’t try to overthink much of it when I walked to the door, opened it and found myself surprised when I found myself in that familiar dark hallway I’ve been in before, My white outfit absolutely clashed with the darkness and the blackness of the hallway.
“What in the hell does that mean?” I asked myself. “Overcome the mindset that made me unhappy to begin with?”
Then, without warning, I could hear voices in the hallway. I couldn’t tell if they were ghosts or if they were figments of my imagination, but nevertheless, the voices got louder and harsher.
“You’re nothing without professional wrestling…” one of the voices said. I was stunned to hear this, but this was just the beginning.
“You’re a failure without a world title…” said another voice.
“You’re defined by misery…”
“You’re defined by the titles you win…”
“You have to be a champion and you have to hold gold or else you feel worthless…”
“Nobody cares about you… you’ve known that for the longest time, haven’t you?”
“You’re defined by your past. You can never let go of it. You’re always burdened by your present failures because you’re not living up to that past.”
I was starting to shudder with fear for a bit. I didn’t know where the voices were coming from but I was starting to make out who the voice was…
“That can’t be…” I said to myself.
“From the moment you entered Level Up Wrestling, you’ve always felt like an insecure piece of shit. Maybe that’s exactly what you are. Maybe you’re just not good enough to be part of the company. You wouldn’t have beaten Joey Crash twice if it weren’t for shenanigans. You’re fading from the limelight. The Game Changers made you and then once they realized how fucking worthless you are, they dumped you like a bad habit. You act like you don’t need me… but when I was YOUR personal game master, you were dominating everything…”
“...why does that voice sound like… ME?”
“BECAUSE I AM YOU! IDIOT!”
My eyes widened with shock as the door in front of me opened and my ‘darker half’ so to speak, wearing the same attire that I was, except it was colored black to contrast my white color, came out. She saw me and she just snickered at me.
“You got rid of me just over ONE loss, huh? You’re weaker than even I thought you were. Let’s face it. You can’t succeed in Level Up Wrestling without the darkness you’ve always had in your heart. You can’t make it without the bitterness that drove you to what you were. And now? Without me? You’re settling for cheap wins over Waluigis and Diamond Steeles? You’re PATHETIC!”
Never before have I wanted to punch myself in the face, but in this warped virtual reality situation, that’s exactly what I wanted to do.
“What do you want from me?” I asked my darker half.
“I want you to let me take over again. I can feel your pain. I can sense that you feel so insecure because you went from challenging for the Wisdom title to being just another wrestler on the roster in a short amount of time. You’ve always been a weak little SCHMUCK who has always tried to do good and yet all it’s ever gotten you is taken advantage of and being made an example over and over. All of these world titles and so few notice. Aw… that’s gotta be painful. So Ahmya wins and now you want to BE her all over again? What kind of WOMAN are you? You’re a weakling just like your mother always was…”
“You really think I’m going to let you take control?” I asked my darker half, who did nothing but laugh in my face.
“You already did, remember. You cracked. Six years of taking so much abuse and then you finally gave in. Didn’t it feel good to give into that hidden impulse, Victoria? Did it not feel great to finally stop giving a fuck about doing the right thing for a business that never appreciated you? You lost ONE match and you gave into me… and then you lost ONE match and you gave up on me. How are you going to succeed in that company when in your heart, you don’t even know what you want? How can you survive without the support of everyone you turned your back on to begin with? You deserved what Casey did to you. You got triggered by the stupid tag team thing… and you did GREAT with it. Now? You’re just lost… no direction… no future. Not challenging for any titles… just… there…”
Hearing that truth from my darker half, even though I wanted to dismiss it as nothing more than bullshit, definitely stung me a little.
“Your mistake wasn’t giving into me… it was giving up on me. Screw happiness! Power is all that matters. Titles are all that matters. World Championships and NOTHING else matters! Being the BEST is what matters. Dominating and destroying everything in your past matters. It’s not about doing the right thing, idiot! It’s about doing what you have to do. Look at what doing the right thing is getting you. You’re forgotten about and your “best friend” is about to do what you couldn’t. Go ahead… hate him… you know you want to…”
“Buster isn’t a bad guy…” I snapped back. “And you know… you’re feeding me nothing but bullshit. You preyed on me once. You took advantage of my weaknesses and my insecurities. You took advantage of my pain. You fed off of the fact that at one point in time, I DID define and value myself by the championships that I hold, but no matter how many titles I won, I was never happy with anything. I don’t want to live like that anymore. This isn’t to say I don’t want to win a world title again but wrestling’s not about that. I don’t want to be defined by gold. I made the stupid mistake of defining myself that way, because I couldn’t be happy with myself otherwise… and I went down that path because for years, I used this business as a crutch to compensate for my past and my awful upbringing…”
“So you’re telling me that you want to be that stupid, meek little bitch that got bullied during her high school years? Is that it?”
This is when I began to grow incredibly angry.
“That ‘meek little bitch’ is a stronger woman than YOU’LL ever be. What YOU are is nothing more than the toxic portion of my personality. I ‘gave birth’ to you the moment I decided to become a wrestler and you turned into a monster when I let the fame get to my head. I’m DONE having you around. I’m exhausted by years of you casting a shadow over me and trying to tempt me to accept you and to let you take over with nothing but lies and false promises. I don’t need you and I never did.”
“You’re kidding right?” my darker half said with a scoff, almost as if she couldn’t believe what my lighter half was saying. “You NEED ME! That anger… that fire you dropped in promos especially leading up to that Wisdom title match… that’s what YOU need to be!”
“I don’t need to be SHIT. I refuse to let you control me or tempt me ANY longer! I HATE YOU! You will NEVER cause me to spiral down that old path again! So, why don’t you go away, leave me alone and NEVER try to tempt me again?”
“PFFFT… whatever BITCH!”
I could only narrow my eyes with anger at this point.
Before I could say another word, my dark half walked through the door that she came from. There was this determined anger that was going through me. I was hoping that I would find a way to get rid of her so that she wouldn’t haunt me anymore. I didn’t. So much of me was angry that I couldn’t get rid of the worst part of me that drove me to be the worst that I was during the time I was in the Game Changers. I walked back through my own door and turned on the television, causing a bright light to flash…
“Wow…” I said with a sigh as I removed a virtual reality helmet I was wearing. “...well, they didn’t say that virtual reality therapy was THAT scary…”
“Fascinating, isn’t it?” Dr. Jansen said to me as I soaked up what just happened in her office.
“Seeing the worst part of me… I was floored…” I admitted. “I mean… to realize I was THAT bad… THAT miserable… that I used to define an empty, fleeting happiness by titles all to compensate for a childhood that I never healed from… the realization haunts me…”
“It’s a good starting point…” she reassured me. “...many wrestlers get caught up in their fame and success and develop an addiction for it because they always have to compensate for something. It’s like a drug…”
“So to be happy, I have to purge that darkness that grew in my heart for so long?”
“Effectively…” Dr. Jansen said with confidence. “Here’s a start for you. You made it in professional wrestling. You got through training. You made it mainstream. Here’s a question for the 19-year-old Victoria that started her training back in 2007. Think about it from HER perspective. IF she made it mainstream, yet never won a championship at all and was honestly never that successful, would she STILL have been happy?”
“She would’ve been because she got to realize a dream. When I was 19, I just wanted to ‘make it’. I didn’t care about titles or the fame that came with them. I just wanted to MAKE IT. I had such low expectations knowing that the majority of wrestling trainees never even make it to the Indies let alone a global company.”
“I suggest taking that perspective into your next match…” Dr. Jansen advised. “I’ll see you again soon…”
We parted ways at that point and I certainly came out of that virtual reality therapy with so much to think about…
Later…
The camera was on me as I was sitting on my front porch reading a psychology textbook. Once I realized that the camera was rolling, I wasted no time putting it down and expressing my thoughts.
“People in this business don’t realize how powerful the ‘id’ really is. Okay, yes, I’m talking Sigmund Freud here and I’m not giving an oral thesis here, but for those that are unaware, the ‘id’ is the impulsive part of one’s psyche which responds to basic needs, urges and desires. Let that ‘id’ get out of control and you’ve got yourself on an obsessive, egomaniacal downward spiral… you know… like I was on during my time with the Game Changers. It’s this ‘id’ that makes you feel like what you are isn’t good enough and it pushes you to do whatever you have to do to compensate for that insecurity. Of course, you’d know all about that wouldn’t you, Peter Vaughn? You’re a walking ‘id’ that is completely out of control. Your story speaks for itself. You were that happy-go-lucky wrestler that was just happy to be here, then you got fed up with all the losing that you were once known for. I’m not criticizing you for deciding to be better and to become a much improved wrestler that has won four world titles. Motivation isn’t a bad thing. But from what I’ve heard you say before, you’re starting to become too impulsive and you’re starting to feel like what you’ve gained isn’t good enough.
Someone like you can’t afford to slip and fall for FEAR that they are going to slip back to the ‘nothing’ that they once were. That’s YOU in a nutshell. I’m speaking from experience because I’m working on overcoming that fear myself. I grew up a ‘nobody’ in the eyes of many and this business was my way to compensate for that for years. I let that ‘id’ of my own get completely out of control. What you are, Peter, is someone that is just like I was. Wanna call BS on that? Listen to your own words. Listen to yourself say ‘compassion makes fools of us all’. So being a world championship wrestler means more to you than being a decent human being huh? It’s amazing how much fame, fortune and glory REALLY changes a person. Yeah, you took THAT straight out of my old playbook. You said it yourself, you wanted to be in that Last of Us match to make a big splash and surprise the world indicating a lack of faith in yourself. YOU felt you HAD to have that… which indicates an unfulfilled id that… until you REALLY work on yourself there… you will NEVER be able to control or fulfill… and you’ll NEVER be able to slay the internal demons inside of you.
I get it Peter, years of being the proverbial punching bag finally broke you the way it broke me…
We’ve got THAT in common. SHOOT, you even have disdain for tag team matches down just like I did. Teaming with Jason Ryan is a dream killer huh? I know that for some in this company, it’s the pot calling the kettle black here, but WOW, talk about being so UNGRATEFUL! Oh right, that was a ‘joke’. Sure. I mean, your motivations are so self-serving. Where do you want to begin? Oh you want to be ‘the next force’ huh? Hey, that’s something I’ve never heard before… SARCASM… You’re sitting over there talking about wanting ALL the attention. Oh right, that’s something I’ve never heard before. MORE sarcasm! Been there, done that Peter. I’ve even got the damn t-shirt. You’re going to come into this match looking at me and acting like I’m just a stepping stone for you because that’s how wrestlers like YOU think! It’s that id that makes you think you’re above learning a damn thing and that you’re above just about anyone that steps in front of you. It makes you impulsive and makes you lack a real perspective in this business.
You shamelessly admit that you’ll bend the rules to get where you want to get to in this business which is again, a symptom of the id disease that you clearly have. Hell, answer me this. Do you even KNOW where you want to get to in this business or do you just speak of it because the truth of the matter is, if you take the time to REALLY think about it, which someone as psychologically impulsive as you wouldn’t even come close to taking the time to put things into a real perspective, there is no such THING as this ‘ultimate destination’ in this business. People talk about how they want to ‘get to where they want to be’, but because the id never stops being impulsive, once they “get there”, they aren’t satisfied for long, then the cycle begins again with the wrestler saying that they want to get to SOMEWHERE ELSE they want to be. These supposed destinations that a wrestler set for itself is really a glorified stop along the way.
And the fact of the matter is, NO professional wrestler EVER gets to where they want to be no matter HOW many world championships they win or how successful they are throughout their career because like you, they’re all raising the bar on themselves and feeling like a big piece of garbage and a failure when they are unable to reach that bar anymore. That’s what happened to me back at the Last of Us, Peter… and that’s not something that has happened to you. That’s what makes YOU a VERY vulnerable opponent this week. Living through that whole experience puts me at an ADVANTAGE over you at a psychological level because it’s given me one HELL of a perspective that you are LACKING. You think you’re building and living in a tower that’s made of ivory there, Peter but in reality, that tower is made of glass and all it takes is one match, one moment, before that tower shatters and comes crumbling down, taking you and your ego that you inflated with your four world championships among other things down with you. You’re the wrestler that doesn’t know the danger that they’re actually in.
You’re like the proverbial frog in the boiling pot of water. Turn that water on and the frog doesn’t sense danger. Then that water gets hotter and hotter and by that time that damn frog realizes they’re in danger… TOO LATE! They’re dead in the water, no pun intended. You’ve got the attitude of someone that thinks that they’re too damn good to ever learn anything new. That motivation that you had that got you out of the gutter isn’t there anymore because you figure with your four world titles, you’ve already got it made and that you’re already entitled to the spotlight in this company. In this match, there are TWO wrestlers with similar journeys: one of whom has lost the perspective of how they got to where they are and for a change, that wrestler isn’t me. Want to overlook me and just act like I’m a stepping stone? Fine. Want to run me down for the Last of Us? Hey, you’re the one that feels the need to do that just to make yourself feel better. It’s the oldest damn trick in the wrestling book. Want to take ONE LOSS and spin it like the sky is falling, hey be my guest. You’re the one that makes yourself look like the idiot if you do. Want to spin me being dropped by the Game Changers and make it seem like this ultra devastating thing for me? SURE! Be predictable as all hell! Keep setting yourself up for the downfall that you are clearly unaware is happening all around you.
This week? I shatter that glass tower you’ve been building up in other places. It’s not because I want to, it’s not because I have to, it’s because you’re just another egomaniacal wrestler that thinks that they’re invincible and untouchable. Keep letting that success get to your head there, Peter. Keep thinking that you won’t have any internal demons to slay. You do… you just don’t know it yet. That ID is going to be your downfall this week when you walk into that ring with the attitude of someone that thinks they’re too good to wrestle me and you know the saying: pride goes before the fall. Take it from someone that had it happen to them at the Last of Us. Unlike YOU? I’m going to quit defining my happiness in this business by fame, fortune and championships. Unlike YOU, I’ve got that proper perspective for this business now. Don’t believe me? Fine. But let me tell you one thing, from your own, impulsive, fucked up perspective, you’re in for a total shock to your own messed up system. Your ‘pleasure principle’ is going to be left completely unsatisfied… oh who am I kidding, it ALWAYS is… that’s why you have the attitude that you do about the business to begin with.
But this week? Oh god, once I’m done with humbling you at EXP, that ‘pleasure principle’ within you is about to be left completely dry and it’s going to REALLY mess with your ego. Hey, take it from an expert who was humbled herself recently. You’re going to be a continuation of me continuing to slay the internal demons that once plagued me, Peter. And when it’s all said and done? This company WILL know me and what I am TRULY about!”
With that, I shut off the camera that is in front of me and continue to maintain a calm, internal presence by picking up the book I was reading and continuing my own psychological self-study…
