Post by Applesauce on May 8, 2022 19:23:35 GMT -5
OFF-CAM
4/6/22
THE DETOUR
<We enter, mid-conversation, into another frustrating phone call between Guy Manson and his handler… I mean Human Resource Manager. An unfortunate intern by the name of Nicole.>
Nicole: Where have you been? We had you booked to film a vignette last week in North Carolina. You never showed up. What the fuck, Guy?
Guy: Guy Man Son was celebrating his victory.
Nicole: What do you mean ‘celebrating’?
Guy: Guy Man Son defeated his foe, Paul Free Dom, at EXP in Evans Ville Indie Anna. Sacrifices were made to the All-father.
Nicole: I’m going to regret asking, but what do you mean by ‘sacrifices’.
Guy: Tribute was paid in blood and bone and sinew. The neck was broken. The blood drawn from its neck. The meat ripped from the bones. It was an honorable kill. The All-father would be honored.
Nicole: Jesus. I knew this was going to happen. Who did you kill? You have to tell me. We have to tell the police.
Guy: There were many sacrifices that day. A tribute fitting of a glorious win.
Nicole: You beat Paul Freedom Guy. Not Muhammed Ali. Paul’s been great, but he was bound to lose to somebody sooner or later. You didn’t have to kill a person just to celebrate. Why couldn’t you just have a little champagne like a normal person?!
Guy: Many aviaries gave their lives that day. It was a fitting tribute.
Nicole: Wait. Aviaries? Are you saying you killed a bunch of birds?
Guy: You call them earth chickens. They suffered greatly at my hands. The All-father will be pleased and will bestow upon me many blessings. The stars provide.
Nicole: You killed a bunch of live chickens?! Where the hell did you find chickens, Guy?!
Guy: Guy Man Son did them an act of kindness. They were liberated from their lives of servitude at the hands of their rural masters. Guy Man Son broke into their caged hell. And devoured their pain until each of them had passed.
Nicole: How many?
Guy: All of them.
Nicole: Ok, let’s pump the breaks for a minute. To celebrate your win, you broke into a chicken coup, and killed a bunch of chickens. You understand how fucked that is right?!
Guy: It was profound.
Nicole: Agree to disagree. That still doesn’t answer my original question. Where did you go after that?
Guy: Guy Man Son ate the hearts of the cull and began walking to Greensboro, North Car-o-lina. After many hours. The sickness overcame Guy Man Son, and as is tradition. The purge lasted many hours in sanctuary until the sickness escaped and purification was complete.
Nicole: So, let me get this straight. You ate a bunch of raw chicken parts and then got food poisoning. Then you puked your guts out. Where did this happen?
Guy: In the cleansing hot springs.
Nicole: Yeh, I don’t know what that is. Is that some landmark in Indiana.
Guy: You call them… hot…tubs.
Nicole: You threw up in somebody’s hot tub?
Guy: Guy Man Son rested in the hot tub first. Then expunged.
Nicole: Oh my god. That is so foul. Listen, you still haven’t answered my question. You were supposed to be in North Carolina. It was my job to make sure you were there. You were supposed to be interviewed about your first win. There were advertisers that wanted to meet with you. Some big names were asking about you. You were supposed to be part of the show. They almost fired me for that.
Guy: There was enough time for the voyage to EXP. Unexpected delays arose.
Nicole: By what, may I ask?
Guy: A truck.
Nicole: How?
Guy: It collided with me.
Nicole: You were hit by a truck? Are you ok? Was it serious?
Guy: The pain was unbearable, but the driver of the vehicle did not suffer for long before he passed.
Nicole: You killed him?!
Guy: They succumbed to their injuries inflicted by the forest.
Nicole: Did you call the police?
Guy: Law enforcement is not to be trusted.
Nicole: I can’t say I blame you there. Cops ARE bastards. But still, you should have called somebody. You could have called me. Don’t you have a friend or a family member that can help you get to your events? Couldn’t you call an Uber? Guy, this has to be the last time you book your own travel. From now on, you’re taking the bus. Ok? I have one more show until I graduate from school and then I can quit this shitty job. I’m not letting you fuck this up for me when I’m so close to the end. Where are you now?
Guy: Greensboro, North Carolina. The arena is dark.
Nicole: Look, stay there. I’ll send you an Uber. They will take you to the bus station. I’ll email you the ticket. Take the bus to Baltimore. I’ll book you a hotel room for a couple days. Stay at the hotel until the Pay-Per-View. Don’t leave the building. Then I’ll have an Uber pick you up from the hotel and get you to campus where the Arena is located. Do you understand? Can you do that for me?
Guy: Guy Man Son will obey your directions.
Nicole: Good. I’ve also taken the liberties of setting up a shoot for you. You’re in a big match at Doom. It’s a ladder match. You probably don’t know what that means, God knows I didn’t until a few days ago. But I’ve been in contact with a film crew on the campus of the college and they have some great ideas for a vignette that we can film for the show. They’ve already built the set. They’ve already written the script. All you have to do is show up, be creepy, and just do what they say. Can you do that for me?
Guy: Guy Man Son will comply.
Nicole: Good. If you can do those things AND wrestle like you did in your last match, you just might have a chance to win. Keep your eye on the prize, Guy.
Guy: Guy Man Son will win.
Nicole: Great. Stay with that attitude. And for the love of God, don’t eat any raw chicken before the match. Guy, don’t fuck this up. Thank you for following my orders. Get some rest. Call me if you need anything. And be ready for Baltimore.
OFF-CAM
CHICAGO IL
5/4/20
TABLE FOR FOUR
Guy does not obey the orders of Nicole from HR. Instead, Johnny Hitmaker books him an instant flight on Kayfabe Airlines and makes a reservation at the most elegant restaurant that Guy has ever been to… Applebees.
There are four men attending the business meeting. Each of them dressed in a ridiculous outfit, one of them in face paint. First is the leader of this collective, THE one and only, Mr. Johnny Hitmaker. Foul mouthed and sharp witted, he is the mastermind behind Hitmaker Yamazaki Enterprises (HYE). Across from him is his business partner, THE Mr. Hide Yamazaki. Hide, a mysterious man prone to psychotic episodes and fits of rage, is a Japanese foreign national who has struggled with the English language at times. In between them on Johnny’s left is, THE intimidating Mr. Konrad Raab, a wrestler, a NASCAR driver, a relative of Level Up’s own Lord Raab. Hide is co-founder and a full-standing member of HYE. The final seat at the table is taken by Creepy Guy Manson. He’s unassuming, frail, dressed like a World of Warcraft guild leader, and smells a bit like vomit mixed with potpourri. From their table near the center of the restaurant, each of them scans oversized laminated menus that have only two sides.
Johnny Hitmaker is telling a long and involved story about a time he stabbed a guy in the neck with a soldering iron.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Ha ha haaaa! SPEAKING of stabbing people who deserve it… the wrestling world is full of window-lickers, mouth-breathers, and all-around garbage people! Number one on that list is Larry Tact and the Game Changers! Larry is a frozen turd with a set of veneers and a mediocre suit collection!
KONRAD RAAB
Oh, he’s not that bad. He’s done some excellent charitable work. He’s quite the philanthropist. It would be nice if he used his platform to bring more awareness to Climate Change, but I digress.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Sick burn, Mister Softee. Fuck Larry Tact in the neck.
KONRAD RAAB
<Shrugs and continues scanning the menu.>
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Smolders in Japanese.>
GUY MANSON
<Says nothing. Just licks menu.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Larry…
<Johnny gives Guy a double-take, pauses, and continues.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Larry and those four poultry pleasers on his team are degenerates. Comic book rejects! Bungling supervillains! Eldritch abominations!
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Johnny shudders at the thought of that impossible entity.>
Anyway, HE doesn’t give a shit about anyone but HIMSELF! He’s just USING those jabronis! Somebody should do the world a favour and cut his goddamn head off once and for all!!
WAITRESS
<Returns to the table with a tray of drinks. A Fanta. A whiskey, neat. A Bloody Mary. And a Shirley Temple.>
So, have y’all had enough time? Or do you need a couple more minutes?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Mumbles something in a foreign language while getting angry at the menu. He flips it over. Then upside down. Clearly frustrated that he cannot read a single word on either side.>
WAITRESS
What’s that Hon’?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Yells something at the waitress that sounds like a curse word.>
WAITRESS
<Startled.>
I’ll come back in a few minutes to check on you.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Johnny’s jaw goes slack as she walks away. He turns to Hide.>
Are we seriously continuing this charade after all this time?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In Japanese>
It’s not a charade. I don’t speak English. I understand it. I just can’t speak it.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Johnny, on the other hand, understands Japanese, and often acts as an interpreter. Then he takes a drink from his whiskey glass> All right, I could eat the ass out of a steak right now. Steak and some riblettes. How’s that sound Konrad?
KONRAD RAAB
Why do you do that Johnny? You know I’ve been vegan for two years now. I’m not going to just throw that out the window for some ribs.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Rib-LETTES. They are rib-LETTES. Like regular ribs, just shittier. It’s basically just a pile of neckbones slathered in barbeque sauce. It’s BARELY real meat!
KONRAD RAAB
No thanks.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
My boy Hide will eat them. Hey. Hey. Hide. <snaps fingers and points to the picture of riblettes on the menu> Will you eat these?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Still not English.>
Demeaning, but considering my hunger, acceptable.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
You see?
KONRAD RAAB
Guy. Are you with me on this? Are you a meat eater?
GUY MANSON
<Looks up from licking his menu>
Guy Man Son will consume the world.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Ha! Told you! Much like The Strong Style Satanist, my boy here will eat anything you put in front of him.
WAITRESS
So how we doin?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Sensational. We’re ready to order. Write this down. I’ll have a cowboy ribeye. Medium rare, the ONLY real way to order a steak. I mean, what do I look like, some nut who orders blue? I mean, come on.
KONRAD RAAB
<Shoots a glance at Johnny from behind blue face paint.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Also, a baked potato with all the shit you can put on it. And a fuckload of rolls. Got that?
WAITRESS
Got it.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Are you sure? I’m reasonable, but these guys… they can be divas. They might lose their MINDS if you don’t jot this down.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In angry Japanese>
You’re the only one here acting unreasonable!
GUY MANSON
<Eats sugar packets. Sometimes opening them first and pouring out the contents. Other times just nibbling on the unopened packets.>
WAITRESS
I won’t forget, don’t worry.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Shrugs.>
All righty then! My boy Mr. R over here will take a house salad with vinaigrette or whatever other kind of veganese stuff you’ve got in the back there. He’s vegan, so, you know, no funny stuff on it. And Mr. Y wants the chicken tender platter with double fries. My man loves a cost-effective tendie.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<This time is English. Just kidding. He still can’t speak the language.>
Actually… now that I’m looking at the second-half of the menu…
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Begins sobbing.>
WAITRESS
<Looks at Guy.>
And what about you Sugar?
GUY MANSON
<Spits a sugar packet wrapper out of his mouth.>
Sugar???
JOHNNY HITMAKER
He’ll have, uhhhh… the chocolate lava molten cake… with a scoop of ice cream?
WAITRESS
<writes it all down>
Anything else?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Oh yeah! A plate of riblettes, almost forgot! Extra sauce. Bring it when it’s ready. Please and thank you.
WAITRESS
Got you. We will get that right out. <She grabs three of the menus and looks at the one currently being licked by Guy Manson.> Should I just leave that one?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Guy! Drop the goddamn fucking menu!!
<Guy freezes and hands the menu to Johnny who hands it to the waitress. She then walks away. Guy grabs the caddy of sugar packets and starts to pour them into his palm and lick it.>
KONRAD RAAB
So, tell me Guy. Where are you from? How did you meet Johnny?
GUY MANSON
I am Guy Man Son. I was born on February 17th, 1992, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. My father was a cobbler.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Yeeeh, funny story about that. So, Android 69 - you remember him right? The Literal Sex Machine? Well, he needed a tag team partner and Guy was it! Their chemistry was uncanny.
KONRAD RAAB
<Looks at Guy who has finished almost half the packets of sugars and artificial sweeteners in the sugar caddy on the table.>
No offense to Guy. But why him? I mean, how do I say this politely? Can he wrestle? Guy, can you wrestle?
GUY MANSON
Guy Man Son killed a man with a shoe.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
In full disclosure, he’s the only guy that was willing to work with A69. Dunno why! And besides, he’s a weird little fuck. He creeps people out and that just tickles me pink. Plus, he’s an inhuman killer. <Guy gives Johnny a brief look of concern. It was probably concern, anyway.> Figuratively speaking, of course, Mr. M!
<The waitress returns with the plate of riblettes and a few smaller serving plates. Hide scoops half of the dish on to his serving plate and starts chomping on the savory bites.>
HIDE YAMAZAKI
BLAAARRRGGH!
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Hey! Ever hear of sharing? Ever hear of CHEWING?! Those things are like 90% bones, man! You need to suck the meat off the bone. <Johnny shows Hide how it’s done.>
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Knock, knock, it’s still in Japanese.>
I’m not worried about bones.
KONRAD RAAB
Disgusting <Konrad vomits in his mouth a little.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Look away, Mr. R, we’re workin’ over here! Hey, Mr. M, you wanna try?
GUY MANSON
Moar sugar. <He gets up and starts grabbing sugar caddies from surrounding tables, including a table that has two elderly women sitting at it.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
I should have guessed. Looks like it’s just you and me, Hide. <Johnny starts eating the riblettes.>
KONRAD RAAB
<Watches the other three men eat like animals and slurps his Fanta.>
So, what’s the deal with this Doom pay-per-view you mentioned before?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Big things. Big things. Our golden boy, Commander Duncan Shepard has a shot at the Final Boss Championship. It’s been a long time in the making. It’s his time to shine. It’s time for HYE to shine and it starts at Doom.
KONRAD RAAB
Oh yeh. I totally forgot about Duncan. Sorry, I’ve been wrapped up in some races recently. He’s a good fellow. How confident are we that he going to win?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
The guy pisses excellence. He’s already the world champ, he just doesn’t know it yet. I knew it when we signed him to HYE. Doom is his coronation.
KONRAD RAAB
And his opponent? Joey… something. I can’t remember his name for the life of me.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Joey Trash can’t fucking wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. He’s a brass knuckling shithouse bitch.
KONRAD RAAB
Well that hardly seems fair. He must be very talented. Nobody gets to the top without an insane amount of luck AND skill.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
All right, let me rephrase that then, Mr. R! Joey Trash beat some tough sons of bitches to get where he is. But Guy has a match at Doom too, and we’re trying to build some team spirit here. So kindly refrain from harshing my mellow!
KONRAD RAAB
Who does Guy have a match against?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Fucking everybody left on the roster. Peter Vaughn and Donny Mason and every other try hard in the locker room. Guy of course is the pick of the litter. Look at him. He’s a world beater. He’s going to win the mach. A 9-man ladder match with an instant title shot on the line.
KONRAD RAAB
A ladder match? Forgive me if this sounds insulting Guy, but you do know how to climb a ladder, right?
GUY MANSON
Horned lizards squirt blood from their eyes as a defense mechanism.
KONRAD RAAB
<Startled for a moment, Konrad looks at Johnny and Hide for a reaction but neither sells Guy’s random creepy fact.> Guy, were you not loved enough as a child? This is a safe space here.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Looks around impatiently for the waitress to return with food>
You know what’s the most ridiculous part of that match? They have some kind of magic genie fuckbox suspended from the ceiling at the top of the ladders. I swear, the weebs working in the front office of Level Up need to get outside more often.
KONRAD RAAB
What are we talking about again?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
FOCUS! I think you may need more animal protein in your diet Mr. R. Cognitive decline may be setting in. We’re talking about Guy’s ladder match at Doom. He’s going to win. Then he’s taking that Power Championship away from the cold dead hands of Larry Tact.
KONRAD RAAB
Did you say dead?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Tact. I hate his smug fucking face SO MUCH!!!
KONRAD RAAB
What did he do to make you so angry?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Thinking about it, then getting angrier.>
He exists!! I hope he has a large, beautiful family of corgis and then they all die in a fire. Smug prick. Only a smug prick like Larry Tact would have not one, but MANY of those stupid asshole dogs! STUPID ASSHOLE DOGS!!! FOR A STUPID ASSHOLE MAN!!!
KONRAD RAAB
I don’t know how you make a man in face paint blush, but you’ve done it again.
WAITRESS
<Returns with the food dishes.>
Alright y’all. Medium rare ribeye. House salad. Tender platter. And a molten chocolate cake volcano…WITH, a scoop of ice cream. You want to check the temperature of that steak there for me, sir?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Oh, yeah, for sure, I’ll just jump out the window if there’s something wrong with it… <He cuts into the steak. Looks satisfied. Then makes more demands.> How about some A-1?
WAITRESS
Sure. No problem. Anything else? <Going around the table Konrad is offering a warm smile. Hide is squirting an entire bottle of ketchup on to his plate. And Guy Manson is picking chunks of cake with his fingers.> Alright y’all, I’ll be back in a bit to check on you.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<in a language that is not even remotely English>
It’s time to eat good in the neighborhood.
KONRAD RAAB
Wait. Shouldn’t we say grace before we eat?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<He pounds his fist on the table, but then instantly relaxes>
Sure, why the hell not? Go ahead.
KONRAD RAAB
Dear Lord Raab, thank you for enabling us to gather here for this meal today. We do not take it for granted. We want to thank you for the people that took the time to prepare this wonderful meal. Lord Raab, bless the works of their hands and meet them at their point of need. Let everything they do bring glory to the neighborhood of Applebees. In his name, we pray, Amen.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In actual English. Seriously.>
Amen.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
You feel better now?
KONRAD RAAB
Much.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Well, wasn’t that lovely? Lord Raab INDEED.
GUY MANSON
<Starts to eat his cake. And begins vibrating in his chair.>
SUGARRR!!!
JOHNNY HITMAKER
I gotta tell you boys, this is damn well near a perfect evening right now!
KONRAD RAAB
It is, isn't it? You know what we should do? Every time I’m back in Chicago, we should come back to this Applebee's...and sit at this table… and have a family meal.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<rolling his eyes>
Yeah… We should hang out some time too. I’ll show you my collection of give-a-fucks.
KONRAD RAAB
No, I’m serious. We can order the same meal and reminisce about the past. Talk about all the championships HYE has won across the wrestling world. That would be great.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Oh, I would be absolutely delighted, Mr. R. But the next time we eat together, it’ll be half-price wing night… at the Velvet Rabbit!
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Stops eating and makes prolonged eye contact with Johnny Hitmaker.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Maybe we even get Mr. M over here a whipped cream lap dance.
GUY MANSON
Pigs can eat every part of the human body, except for teeth.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Okay. Maybe no lap dance for Mr. M.
GUY MANSON
<Stands up at the table. He looks at Johnny Hitmaker with doll eyes before smiling. Then without a word he turns his shoulders and jogs towards the bathroom.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
I guess when nature calls, it fucking hollers.
KONRAD RAAB
I’m just glad that he didn’t relieve himself at the table.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In a hushed, sober, Asian dialect.>
The space lizard man makes me uncomfortable. I hope he never comes back.
And he doesn’t. In fact, Guy is never seen in Chicago again after that. A reconnaissance mission is sent to the bathroom to check on him. But he is never found. Other than the crime scene left in the men’s urinal, there is no sign that Guy has even been there. He seems to have just vanished into thin air.
And that’s it. The story of how the most unlikely and amazing wrestling collective bands together to take over Level Up Wrestling and eventually the rest of the world. Duncan Shepard goes on at Doom to win the Final Boss Championship, he retains until the end of days, and he is the forever hero of our story, Guy Manson goes on to win the Power Championship before his eventually domination of the Earth 616 and enslavement of the entire human race.
ON-CAM
VIGNETTE
LADDER SAFETY
Standing in a closed set is our favorite documented alien, Guy Manson. He stands in front of a white background with an eight-foot ladder on each side of him. He’s smiling unnaturally waiting for the teleprompter to feed him his lines.
Ladders. They can be your stairway to heaven or your ticket to hell. Did you know that every year, 4 million adults are the victims of ladder attacks? You might even be a victim of a ladder attack right now and not even know it. Ladder attack awareness is the number one social issue of our generation. Enough is enough. It’s time to #seeyouladderalligator
Hi, my name is Guy Man Son. Today I’m going to teach you the importance of ladder match safety. So, pay close attention and take notes on the right and wrong ways to climb a ladder during a wrestling match.
The first thing you need to know about ladders is that these real-life killing machines are the leading cause of death for 24-year-old Canadians. Sometimes a ladder isn’t a ladder at all, it’s an elevator straight to the infinite abyss!!!
There’s a reason that doctors specializing in performing ladder related surgeries are among the leading surgeons in the world. So, the next time you’re horsing around on top of a ladder during a wrestling match, reaching for something that doesn’t belong to you, you might want to think about ladder attacks first. Don't let this happen to you!
But using ladders to win ladder matches is a necessary evil. How else are you supposed to grab that thing that everybody wants that’s floating above the ring? The sheer lethality of these weapons should be something on the lips and minds of the masses every day, but instead, ladders wait in dark rooms, dusty garages, and in their dens under the ring. They are silently plotting, waiting for the opportunity to strike.
There’s no point in wondering what you should do if your ladder wants to kill you. You must assume that all ladders are always out for death. If your ladder skills aren't through the roof, you’re going to want to work on your falling skills first. That way if you hit the ground, you can spread the impact over a larger area, fall on to other people, or just make a good bounce. This should eliminate all lethal fall damage you may incur. That is, unless of course, the entire ring collapses, and then you’d better hope there aren’t any badgers and moles under there because there will be blood, and only God can save you at that point.
May 10th is the Doom pay-per-view at the Chesapeake Employers Insurance Arena. That means we’re coming up on 200 days on the job here at Level Up wrestling without a serious ladder injury or death. I can’t believe it’s been that long since Nocturne Waluigi lost her eye at Fall of Duty. Before using a ladder in a ladder match, it’s important to stay positive. Everything will probably work out. Or it won’t. But at least you won’t have wasted any energy on being cautious. In the event of a successful ladder event, make sure that a follow up pizza party has been arranged. The promise of pizza just may be enough to spare the lives of your fellow ladder victims.
In rare cases, ladders can be useful tools, but only if you know and practice the five steps to ladder injury preparation. Learn them. Live them. Carve them into your flesh in a place where you can check them often.
Step one. Choose the right ladder for the job. You’re never going to want to use the first ladder you see. It may strategically be placed under the thing you wish to reach, but it is a red herring. A waste of time meant to deceive your senses and break your spirit. The first ladder you see is always the wrong one for the job. Most likely a very stupid person set up a ladder way too short for the job, and they have left the scene to get a larger ladder. If the ladder was the right size, it would have already been used and taken away. All ladders have labels that state the highest allowable standing level for that ladder. Make sure you disregard those labels. Eyeball it and go with your gut. Your instincts will serve you much better than any amount of testing. The same goes for weight limits, materials, general durability. You know better than anyone else what is good for you. So choose your own threat level, because it’s the only real choice you’ll ever have.
Step two. Never inspect a ladder before you use it. Optimism is the most essential part of ladder climbing. Seeing bent or broken rungs will only discourage you. So, it’s best to just ignore any signs of danger. If you act like the ladder is safe, your enemies will likely believe you. And you never know if your ladder is a fire-type, electric-type, or fighting-type ladder until you’ve actually been attacked by it. That’s part of the thrill of the experience. You are dead inside, why ruin the big surprise when you have your brush with death?
Step three. Be careful where you set up your ladder. A set up ladder is likely to fall over a few times before anyone can get to the top. So, it’s a good idea to just go ahead and get the first couple ladder collapses out of the way before you actually start thinking about getting the job done. Setting the ladder up on a shaky surface like a pile of bodies or a pile of ladders is a great way to insure a ladder collapse. It’s always best to have the ladder fall into high traffic areas so that they can cause the most damage to the maximum number of people, thus giving you more meaty things to land on.
Step four. Make sure you climb a ladder as fast as possible. Slowly and cautiously facing the ladder and using three points of contact means that your enemies will always have a chance to reach the top before you do. You do not want to let them, or the ladder, assert their dominance on you. So wherever possible, jump on to your ladder. Skip rungs. And be confident. If a ladder wants you dead, you’ll die either way. It’s best to not look weak in your final moments.
That brings us to step five. Which is the most important step in ladder match safety. If you want to safely win a ladder match, you’re going to want to climb as high as possible and use both hands to grab anything suspended above you. You’re going to want no more than two points of contact once you’re within reaching distance. Gravity and ladders are vicious lovers, that deal death like an exotic blackjack dealer. So, swing wildly, grab anything you can, unhook and untie anything within reach, and never, ever, look down.
Now that you know everything about ladder match safety, you’re ready to have your first ladder match. Ignore those that tell you that skill, technique, and strategy are the best ways to win a match with such high levels of danger. Luck and natural selection are much more important factors to consider when determining who will win a ladder match. So, it’s probably best to say your goodbyes, get your affairs in order, and make your peace with God before climbing a ladder. You’re all going to die sooner than you want to, so why not try to have a good time while doing it?
Alright human person viewers, that’s enough non-sugar talk for today. So, remember until next time, ladders are evil, but not as evil as the infinite darkness of the universe. Thanks for tuning in. See you in Baltimore.
4/6/22
THE DETOUR
<We enter, mid-conversation, into another frustrating phone call between Guy Manson and his handler… I mean Human Resource Manager. An unfortunate intern by the name of Nicole.>
Nicole: Where have you been? We had you booked to film a vignette last week in North Carolina. You never showed up. What the fuck, Guy?
Guy: Guy Man Son was celebrating his victory.
Nicole: What do you mean ‘celebrating’?
Guy: Guy Man Son defeated his foe, Paul Free Dom, at EXP in Evans Ville Indie Anna. Sacrifices were made to the All-father.
Nicole: I’m going to regret asking, but what do you mean by ‘sacrifices’.
Guy: Tribute was paid in blood and bone and sinew. The neck was broken. The blood drawn from its neck. The meat ripped from the bones. It was an honorable kill. The All-father would be honored.
Nicole: Jesus. I knew this was going to happen. Who did you kill? You have to tell me. We have to tell the police.
Guy: There were many sacrifices that day. A tribute fitting of a glorious win.
Nicole: You beat Paul Freedom Guy. Not Muhammed Ali. Paul’s been great, but he was bound to lose to somebody sooner or later. You didn’t have to kill a person just to celebrate. Why couldn’t you just have a little champagne like a normal person?!
Guy: Many aviaries gave their lives that day. It was a fitting tribute.
Nicole: Wait. Aviaries? Are you saying you killed a bunch of birds?
Guy: You call them earth chickens. They suffered greatly at my hands. The All-father will be pleased and will bestow upon me many blessings. The stars provide.
Nicole: You killed a bunch of live chickens?! Where the hell did you find chickens, Guy?!
Guy: Guy Man Son did them an act of kindness. They were liberated from their lives of servitude at the hands of their rural masters. Guy Man Son broke into their caged hell. And devoured their pain until each of them had passed.
Nicole: How many?
Guy: All of them.
Nicole: Ok, let’s pump the breaks for a minute. To celebrate your win, you broke into a chicken coup, and killed a bunch of chickens. You understand how fucked that is right?!
Guy: It was profound.
Nicole: Agree to disagree. That still doesn’t answer my original question. Where did you go after that?
Guy: Guy Man Son ate the hearts of the cull and began walking to Greensboro, North Car-o-lina. After many hours. The sickness overcame Guy Man Son, and as is tradition. The purge lasted many hours in sanctuary until the sickness escaped and purification was complete.
Nicole: So, let me get this straight. You ate a bunch of raw chicken parts and then got food poisoning. Then you puked your guts out. Where did this happen?
Guy: In the cleansing hot springs.
Nicole: Yeh, I don’t know what that is. Is that some landmark in Indiana.
Guy: You call them… hot…tubs.
Nicole: You threw up in somebody’s hot tub?
Guy: Guy Man Son rested in the hot tub first. Then expunged.
Nicole: Oh my god. That is so foul. Listen, you still haven’t answered my question. You were supposed to be in North Carolina. It was my job to make sure you were there. You were supposed to be interviewed about your first win. There were advertisers that wanted to meet with you. Some big names were asking about you. You were supposed to be part of the show. They almost fired me for that.
Guy: There was enough time for the voyage to EXP. Unexpected delays arose.
Nicole: By what, may I ask?
Guy: A truck.
Nicole: How?
Guy: It collided with me.
Nicole: You were hit by a truck? Are you ok? Was it serious?
Guy: The pain was unbearable, but the driver of the vehicle did not suffer for long before he passed.
Nicole: You killed him?!
Guy: They succumbed to their injuries inflicted by the forest.
Nicole: Did you call the police?
Guy: Law enforcement is not to be trusted.
Nicole: I can’t say I blame you there. Cops ARE bastards. But still, you should have called somebody. You could have called me. Don’t you have a friend or a family member that can help you get to your events? Couldn’t you call an Uber? Guy, this has to be the last time you book your own travel. From now on, you’re taking the bus. Ok? I have one more show until I graduate from school and then I can quit this shitty job. I’m not letting you fuck this up for me when I’m so close to the end. Where are you now?
Guy: Greensboro, North Carolina. The arena is dark.
Nicole: Look, stay there. I’ll send you an Uber. They will take you to the bus station. I’ll email you the ticket. Take the bus to Baltimore. I’ll book you a hotel room for a couple days. Stay at the hotel until the Pay-Per-View. Don’t leave the building. Then I’ll have an Uber pick you up from the hotel and get you to campus where the Arena is located. Do you understand? Can you do that for me?
Guy: Guy Man Son will obey your directions.
Nicole: Good. I’ve also taken the liberties of setting up a shoot for you. You’re in a big match at Doom. It’s a ladder match. You probably don’t know what that means, God knows I didn’t until a few days ago. But I’ve been in contact with a film crew on the campus of the college and they have some great ideas for a vignette that we can film for the show. They’ve already built the set. They’ve already written the script. All you have to do is show up, be creepy, and just do what they say. Can you do that for me?
Guy: Guy Man Son will comply.
Nicole: Good. If you can do those things AND wrestle like you did in your last match, you just might have a chance to win. Keep your eye on the prize, Guy.
Guy: Guy Man Son will win.
Nicole: Great. Stay with that attitude. And for the love of God, don’t eat any raw chicken before the match. Guy, don’t fuck this up. Thank you for following my orders. Get some rest. Call me if you need anything. And be ready for Baltimore.
OFF-CAM
CHICAGO IL
5/4/20
TABLE FOR FOUR
Guy does not obey the orders of Nicole from HR. Instead, Johnny Hitmaker books him an instant flight on Kayfabe Airlines and makes a reservation at the most elegant restaurant that Guy has ever been to… Applebees.
There are four men attending the business meeting. Each of them dressed in a ridiculous outfit, one of them in face paint. First is the leader of this collective, THE one and only, Mr. Johnny Hitmaker. Foul mouthed and sharp witted, he is the mastermind behind Hitmaker Yamazaki Enterprises (HYE). Across from him is his business partner, THE Mr. Hide Yamazaki. Hide, a mysterious man prone to psychotic episodes and fits of rage, is a Japanese foreign national who has struggled with the English language at times. In between them on Johnny’s left is, THE intimidating Mr. Konrad Raab, a wrestler, a NASCAR driver, a relative of Level Up’s own Lord Raab. Hide is co-founder and a full-standing member of HYE. The final seat at the table is taken by Creepy Guy Manson. He’s unassuming, frail, dressed like a World of Warcraft guild leader, and smells a bit like vomit mixed with potpourri. From their table near the center of the restaurant, each of them scans oversized laminated menus that have only two sides.
Johnny Hitmaker is telling a long and involved story about a time he stabbed a guy in the neck with a soldering iron.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Ha ha haaaa! SPEAKING of stabbing people who deserve it… the wrestling world is full of window-lickers, mouth-breathers, and all-around garbage people! Number one on that list is Larry Tact and the Game Changers! Larry is a frozen turd with a set of veneers and a mediocre suit collection!
KONRAD RAAB
Oh, he’s not that bad. He’s done some excellent charitable work. He’s quite the philanthropist. It would be nice if he used his platform to bring more awareness to Climate Change, but I digress.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Sick burn, Mister Softee. Fuck Larry Tact in the neck.
KONRAD RAAB
<Shrugs and continues scanning the menu.>
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Smolders in Japanese.>
GUY MANSON
<Says nothing. Just licks menu.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Larry…
<Johnny gives Guy a double-take, pauses, and continues.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Larry and those four poultry pleasers on his team are degenerates. Comic book rejects! Bungling supervillains! Eldritch abominations!
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Johnny shudders at the thought of that impossible entity.>
Anyway, HE doesn’t give a shit about anyone but HIMSELF! He’s just USING those jabronis! Somebody should do the world a favour and cut his goddamn head off once and for all!!
WAITRESS
<Returns to the table with a tray of drinks. A Fanta. A whiskey, neat. A Bloody Mary. And a Shirley Temple.>
So, have y’all had enough time? Or do you need a couple more minutes?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Mumbles something in a foreign language while getting angry at the menu. He flips it over. Then upside down. Clearly frustrated that he cannot read a single word on either side.>
WAITRESS
What’s that Hon’?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Yells something at the waitress that sounds like a curse word.>
WAITRESS
<Startled.>
I’ll come back in a few minutes to check on you.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Johnny’s jaw goes slack as she walks away. He turns to Hide.>
Are we seriously continuing this charade after all this time?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In Japanese>
It’s not a charade. I don’t speak English. I understand it. I just can’t speak it.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Johnny, on the other hand, understands Japanese, and often acts as an interpreter. Then he takes a drink from his whiskey glass> All right, I could eat the ass out of a steak right now. Steak and some riblettes. How’s that sound Konrad?
KONRAD RAAB
Why do you do that Johnny? You know I’ve been vegan for two years now. I’m not going to just throw that out the window for some ribs.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Rib-LETTES. They are rib-LETTES. Like regular ribs, just shittier. It’s basically just a pile of neckbones slathered in barbeque sauce. It’s BARELY real meat!
KONRAD RAAB
No thanks.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
My boy Hide will eat them. Hey. Hey. Hide. <snaps fingers and points to the picture of riblettes on the menu> Will you eat these?
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Still not English.>
Demeaning, but considering my hunger, acceptable.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
You see?
KONRAD RAAB
Guy. Are you with me on this? Are you a meat eater?
GUY MANSON
<Looks up from licking his menu>
Guy Man Son will consume the world.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Ha! Told you! Much like The Strong Style Satanist, my boy here will eat anything you put in front of him.
WAITRESS
So how we doin?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Sensational. We’re ready to order. Write this down. I’ll have a cowboy ribeye. Medium rare, the ONLY real way to order a steak. I mean, what do I look like, some nut who orders blue? I mean, come on.
KONRAD RAAB
<Shoots a glance at Johnny from behind blue face paint.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Also, a baked potato with all the shit you can put on it. And a fuckload of rolls. Got that?
WAITRESS
Got it.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Are you sure? I’m reasonable, but these guys… they can be divas. They might lose their MINDS if you don’t jot this down.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In angry Japanese>
You’re the only one here acting unreasonable!
GUY MANSON
<Eats sugar packets. Sometimes opening them first and pouring out the contents. Other times just nibbling on the unopened packets.>
WAITRESS
I won’t forget, don’t worry.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Shrugs.>
All righty then! My boy Mr. R over here will take a house salad with vinaigrette or whatever other kind of veganese stuff you’ve got in the back there. He’s vegan, so, you know, no funny stuff on it. And Mr. Y wants the chicken tender platter with double fries. My man loves a cost-effective tendie.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<This time is English. Just kidding. He still can’t speak the language.>
Actually… now that I’m looking at the second-half of the menu…
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Begins sobbing.>
WAITRESS
<Looks at Guy.>
And what about you Sugar?
GUY MANSON
<Spits a sugar packet wrapper out of his mouth.>
Sugar???
JOHNNY HITMAKER
He’ll have, uhhhh… the chocolate lava molten cake… with a scoop of ice cream?
WAITRESS
<writes it all down>
Anything else?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Oh yeah! A plate of riblettes, almost forgot! Extra sauce. Bring it when it’s ready. Please and thank you.
WAITRESS
Got you. We will get that right out. <She grabs three of the menus and looks at the one currently being licked by Guy Manson.> Should I just leave that one?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Guy! Drop the goddamn fucking menu!!
<Guy freezes and hands the menu to Johnny who hands it to the waitress. She then walks away. Guy grabs the caddy of sugar packets and starts to pour them into his palm and lick it.>
KONRAD RAAB
So, tell me Guy. Where are you from? How did you meet Johnny?
GUY MANSON
I am Guy Man Son. I was born on February 17th, 1992, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. My father was a cobbler.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Yeeeh, funny story about that. So, Android 69 - you remember him right? The Literal Sex Machine? Well, he needed a tag team partner and Guy was it! Their chemistry was uncanny.
KONRAD RAAB
<Looks at Guy who has finished almost half the packets of sugars and artificial sweeteners in the sugar caddy on the table.>
No offense to Guy. But why him? I mean, how do I say this politely? Can he wrestle? Guy, can you wrestle?
GUY MANSON
Guy Man Son killed a man with a shoe.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
In full disclosure, he’s the only guy that was willing to work with A69. Dunno why! And besides, he’s a weird little fuck. He creeps people out and that just tickles me pink. Plus, he’s an inhuman killer. <Guy gives Johnny a brief look of concern. It was probably concern, anyway.> Figuratively speaking, of course, Mr. M!
<The waitress returns with the plate of riblettes and a few smaller serving plates. Hide scoops half of the dish on to his serving plate and starts chomping on the savory bites.>
HIDE YAMAZAKI
BLAAARRRGGH!
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Hey! Ever hear of sharing? Ever hear of CHEWING?! Those things are like 90% bones, man! You need to suck the meat off the bone. <Johnny shows Hide how it’s done.>
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Knock, knock, it’s still in Japanese.>
I’m not worried about bones.
KONRAD RAAB
Disgusting <Konrad vomits in his mouth a little.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Look away, Mr. R, we’re workin’ over here! Hey, Mr. M, you wanna try?
GUY MANSON
Moar sugar. <He gets up and starts grabbing sugar caddies from surrounding tables, including a table that has two elderly women sitting at it.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
I should have guessed. Looks like it’s just you and me, Hide. <Johnny starts eating the riblettes.>
KONRAD RAAB
<Watches the other three men eat like animals and slurps his Fanta.>
So, what’s the deal with this Doom pay-per-view you mentioned before?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Big things. Big things. Our golden boy, Commander Duncan Shepard has a shot at the Final Boss Championship. It’s been a long time in the making. It’s his time to shine. It’s time for HYE to shine and it starts at Doom.
KONRAD RAAB
Oh yeh. I totally forgot about Duncan. Sorry, I’ve been wrapped up in some races recently. He’s a good fellow. How confident are we that he going to win?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
The guy pisses excellence. He’s already the world champ, he just doesn’t know it yet. I knew it when we signed him to HYE. Doom is his coronation.
KONRAD RAAB
And his opponent? Joey… something. I can’t remember his name for the life of me.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Joey Trash can’t fucking wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. He’s a brass knuckling shithouse bitch.
KONRAD RAAB
Well that hardly seems fair. He must be very talented. Nobody gets to the top without an insane amount of luck AND skill.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
All right, let me rephrase that then, Mr. R! Joey Trash beat some tough sons of bitches to get where he is. But Guy has a match at Doom too, and we’re trying to build some team spirit here. So kindly refrain from harshing my mellow!
KONRAD RAAB
Who does Guy have a match against?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Fucking everybody left on the roster. Peter Vaughn and Donny Mason and every other try hard in the locker room. Guy of course is the pick of the litter. Look at him. He’s a world beater. He’s going to win the mach. A 9-man ladder match with an instant title shot on the line.
KONRAD RAAB
A ladder match? Forgive me if this sounds insulting Guy, but you do know how to climb a ladder, right?
GUY MANSON
Horned lizards squirt blood from their eyes as a defense mechanism.
KONRAD RAAB
<Startled for a moment, Konrad looks at Johnny and Hide for a reaction but neither sells Guy’s random creepy fact.> Guy, were you not loved enough as a child? This is a safe space here.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Looks around impatiently for the waitress to return with food>
You know what’s the most ridiculous part of that match? They have some kind of magic genie fuckbox suspended from the ceiling at the top of the ladders. I swear, the weebs working in the front office of Level Up need to get outside more often.
KONRAD RAAB
What are we talking about again?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
FOCUS! I think you may need more animal protein in your diet Mr. R. Cognitive decline may be setting in. We’re talking about Guy’s ladder match at Doom. He’s going to win. Then he’s taking that Power Championship away from the cold dead hands of Larry Tact.
KONRAD RAAB
Did you say dead?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Tact. I hate his smug fucking face SO MUCH!!!
KONRAD RAAB
What did he do to make you so angry?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Thinking about it, then getting angrier.>
He exists!! I hope he has a large, beautiful family of corgis and then they all die in a fire. Smug prick. Only a smug prick like Larry Tact would have not one, but MANY of those stupid asshole dogs! STUPID ASSHOLE DOGS!!! FOR A STUPID ASSHOLE MAN!!!
KONRAD RAAB
I don’t know how you make a man in face paint blush, but you’ve done it again.
WAITRESS
<Returns with the food dishes.>
Alright y’all. Medium rare ribeye. House salad. Tender platter. And a molten chocolate cake volcano…WITH, a scoop of ice cream. You want to check the temperature of that steak there for me, sir?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Oh, yeah, for sure, I’ll just jump out the window if there’s something wrong with it… <He cuts into the steak. Looks satisfied. Then makes more demands.> How about some A-1?
WAITRESS
Sure. No problem. Anything else? <Going around the table Konrad is offering a warm smile. Hide is squirting an entire bottle of ketchup on to his plate. And Guy Manson is picking chunks of cake with his fingers.> Alright y’all, I’ll be back in a bit to check on you.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<in a language that is not even remotely English>
It’s time to eat good in the neighborhood.
KONRAD RAAB
Wait. Shouldn’t we say grace before we eat?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<He pounds his fist on the table, but then instantly relaxes>
Sure, why the hell not? Go ahead.
KONRAD RAAB
Dear Lord Raab, thank you for enabling us to gather here for this meal today. We do not take it for granted. We want to thank you for the people that took the time to prepare this wonderful meal. Lord Raab, bless the works of their hands and meet them at their point of need. Let everything they do bring glory to the neighborhood of Applebees. In his name, we pray, Amen.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In actual English. Seriously.>
Amen.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
You feel better now?
KONRAD RAAB
Much.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Well, wasn’t that lovely? Lord Raab INDEED.
GUY MANSON
<Starts to eat his cake. And begins vibrating in his chair.>
SUGARRR!!!
JOHNNY HITMAKER
I gotta tell you boys, this is damn well near a perfect evening right now!
KONRAD RAAB
It is, isn't it? You know what we should do? Every time I’m back in Chicago, we should come back to this Applebee's...and sit at this table… and have a family meal.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<rolling his eyes>
Yeah… We should hang out some time too. I’ll show you my collection of give-a-fucks.
KONRAD RAAB
No, I’m serious. We can order the same meal and reminisce about the past. Talk about all the championships HYE has won across the wrestling world. That would be great.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Oh, I would be absolutely delighted, Mr. R. But the next time we eat together, it’ll be half-price wing night… at the Velvet Rabbit!
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<Stops eating and makes prolonged eye contact with Johnny Hitmaker.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Maybe we even get Mr. M over here a whipped cream lap dance.
GUY MANSON
Pigs can eat every part of the human body, except for teeth.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Okay. Maybe no lap dance for Mr. M.
GUY MANSON
<Stands up at the table. He looks at Johnny Hitmaker with doll eyes before smiling. Then without a word he turns his shoulders and jogs towards the bathroom.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
I guess when nature calls, it fucking hollers.
KONRAD RAAB
I’m just glad that he didn’t relieve himself at the table.
HIDE YAMAZAKI
<In a hushed, sober, Asian dialect.>
The space lizard man makes me uncomfortable. I hope he never comes back.
And he doesn’t. In fact, Guy is never seen in Chicago again after that. A reconnaissance mission is sent to the bathroom to check on him. But he is never found. Other than the crime scene left in the men’s urinal, there is no sign that Guy has even been there. He seems to have just vanished into thin air.
And that’s it. The story of how the most unlikely and amazing wrestling collective bands together to take over Level Up Wrestling and eventually the rest of the world. Duncan Shepard goes on at Doom to win the Final Boss Championship, he retains until the end of days, and he is the forever hero of our story, Guy Manson goes on to win the Power Championship before his eventually domination of the Earth 616 and enslavement of the entire human race.
ON-CAM
VIGNETTE
LADDER SAFETY
Standing in a closed set is our favorite documented alien, Guy Manson. He stands in front of a white background with an eight-foot ladder on each side of him. He’s smiling unnaturally waiting for the teleprompter to feed him his lines.
Ladders. They can be your stairway to heaven or your ticket to hell. Did you know that every year, 4 million adults are the victims of ladder attacks? You might even be a victim of a ladder attack right now and not even know it. Ladder attack awareness is the number one social issue of our generation. Enough is enough. It’s time to #seeyouladderalligator
Hi, my name is Guy Man Son. Today I’m going to teach you the importance of ladder match safety. So, pay close attention and take notes on the right and wrong ways to climb a ladder during a wrestling match.
The first thing you need to know about ladders is that these real-life killing machines are the leading cause of death for 24-year-old Canadians. Sometimes a ladder isn’t a ladder at all, it’s an elevator straight to the infinite abyss!!!
There’s a reason that doctors specializing in performing ladder related surgeries are among the leading surgeons in the world. So, the next time you’re horsing around on top of a ladder during a wrestling match, reaching for something that doesn’t belong to you, you might want to think about ladder attacks first. Don't let this happen to you!
But using ladders to win ladder matches is a necessary evil. How else are you supposed to grab that thing that everybody wants that’s floating above the ring? The sheer lethality of these weapons should be something on the lips and minds of the masses every day, but instead, ladders wait in dark rooms, dusty garages, and in their dens under the ring. They are silently plotting, waiting for the opportunity to strike.
There’s no point in wondering what you should do if your ladder wants to kill you. You must assume that all ladders are always out for death. If your ladder skills aren't through the roof, you’re going to want to work on your falling skills first. That way if you hit the ground, you can spread the impact over a larger area, fall on to other people, or just make a good bounce. This should eliminate all lethal fall damage you may incur. That is, unless of course, the entire ring collapses, and then you’d better hope there aren’t any badgers and moles under there because there will be blood, and only God can save you at that point.
May 10th is the Doom pay-per-view at the Chesapeake Employers Insurance Arena. That means we’re coming up on 200 days on the job here at Level Up wrestling without a serious ladder injury or death. I can’t believe it’s been that long since Nocturne Waluigi lost her eye at Fall of Duty. Before using a ladder in a ladder match, it’s important to stay positive. Everything will probably work out. Or it won’t. But at least you won’t have wasted any energy on being cautious. In the event of a successful ladder event, make sure that a follow up pizza party has been arranged. The promise of pizza just may be enough to spare the lives of your fellow ladder victims.
In rare cases, ladders can be useful tools, but only if you know and practice the five steps to ladder injury preparation. Learn them. Live them. Carve them into your flesh in a place where you can check them often.
Step one. Choose the right ladder for the job. You’re never going to want to use the first ladder you see. It may strategically be placed under the thing you wish to reach, but it is a red herring. A waste of time meant to deceive your senses and break your spirit. The first ladder you see is always the wrong one for the job. Most likely a very stupid person set up a ladder way too short for the job, and they have left the scene to get a larger ladder. If the ladder was the right size, it would have already been used and taken away. All ladders have labels that state the highest allowable standing level for that ladder. Make sure you disregard those labels. Eyeball it and go with your gut. Your instincts will serve you much better than any amount of testing. The same goes for weight limits, materials, general durability. You know better than anyone else what is good for you. So choose your own threat level, because it’s the only real choice you’ll ever have.
Step two. Never inspect a ladder before you use it. Optimism is the most essential part of ladder climbing. Seeing bent or broken rungs will only discourage you. So, it’s best to just ignore any signs of danger. If you act like the ladder is safe, your enemies will likely believe you. And you never know if your ladder is a fire-type, electric-type, or fighting-type ladder until you’ve actually been attacked by it. That’s part of the thrill of the experience. You are dead inside, why ruin the big surprise when you have your brush with death?
Step three. Be careful where you set up your ladder. A set up ladder is likely to fall over a few times before anyone can get to the top. So, it’s a good idea to just go ahead and get the first couple ladder collapses out of the way before you actually start thinking about getting the job done. Setting the ladder up on a shaky surface like a pile of bodies or a pile of ladders is a great way to insure a ladder collapse. It’s always best to have the ladder fall into high traffic areas so that they can cause the most damage to the maximum number of people, thus giving you more meaty things to land on.
Step four. Make sure you climb a ladder as fast as possible. Slowly and cautiously facing the ladder and using three points of contact means that your enemies will always have a chance to reach the top before you do. You do not want to let them, or the ladder, assert their dominance on you. So wherever possible, jump on to your ladder. Skip rungs. And be confident. If a ladder wants you dead, you’ll die either way. It’s best to not look weak in your final moments.
That brings us to step five. Which is the most important step in ladder match safety. If you want to safely win a ladder match, you’re going to want to climb as high as possible and use both hands to grab anything suspended above you. You’re going to want no more than two points of contact once you’re within reaching distance. Gravity and ladders are vicious lovers, that deal death like an exotic blackjack dealer. So, swing wildly, grab anything you can, unhook and untie anything within reach, and never, ever, look down.
Now that you know everything about ladder match safety, you’re ready to have your first ladder match. Ignore those that tell you that skill, technique, and strategy are the best ways to win a match with such high levels of danger. Luck and natural selection are much more important factors to consider when determining who will win a ladder match. So, it’s probably best to say your goodbyes, get your affairs in order, and make your peace with God before climbing a ladder. You’re all going to die sooner than you want to, so why not try to have a good time while doing it?
Alright human person viewers, that’s enough non-sugar talk for today. So, remember until next time, ladders are evil, but not as evil as the infinite darkness of the universe. Thanks for tuning in. See you in Baltimore.
