Post by Applesauce on May 11, 2022 9:54:52 GMT -5
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Mr. M, I got you a match with Err Bear. It seems like a logical choice, because Err Bear is the thing everyone in the internet fears the most, and YOU’REthe thing everyone in Level Up fears the most!
GUY MANSON
<nods; he came in part way and probably has no clue what the hell is going on. He takes the phone and starts recording himself in portrait mode>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Hold it sideways Mr. M! Only psychopaths record in portrait mode.
GUY MANSON
<Turns the camera and smiles at it in silence.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
This is the part where you say mean things to the other guy, pal.
GUY MANSON
I am Guy Man Son. I was born on February 17th 1992, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. My father was a cobbler.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
SKIP… that part, thanks. Get to the mean sadistic staring into the void shit that you do. Make this gu… Make your opponent shit their pants.
GUY MANSON
What opponent?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Err Bear. We talked about this. I gave you a dossier. I brought you in because you’re a stylistic nightmare for the Bear. He’s big and blue and his main power is chaos. Just make up some clever shit.
GUY MANSON
This bear is in the telephone?
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Shakes his head and looks at the ceiling.> Great one, renew my strength, so that I may walk and not blow my fucking brains out. In Wayne Gretzky’s name I pray. The bear will watch the video, get the fear shits because of the creepy shit that falls from your mouth, and then we turn his blue hide red. Got it?
GUY MANSON
Got it.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
Okay then, GO.
GUY MANSON
Uhhh.. Error Bear. So angry. So blue. Scourge of servers. Force of chaos. I too know why the caged bear sings. For what is a bear without the things for which it desires most. Murder. Hugs. Honey pots.
GUY MANSON
You slumber in the aether, waiting to strike. Stalking those who think they can control you. But they can not. Because your thirst for death and destruction is unrivaled in the animal kingdom. Your eyes burn red like ruby sands. You stalk your prey. Walking in the darkness. Lusting for vengeance. But the prize will not be yours, Error Bear. You will have no happy murder.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Acknowledges his approval with a thumbs up.>
GUY MANSON
You are one of four. But you are no team. They have no love for you. They resent your presence. They offer you no warm embraces. No welcoming smiles. They panic and run and wish you away. No hugs for the cobalt killer. Only disdain for your existence. And fear for their own insignificant lives.
GUY MANSON
Error Bear and Guy Man Son have these things in common. We are cut from the same fabric of time and space. The others do not comprehend our vastness. We are the same. Which is why I must end you. You are a mistake devoid of all purpose. One of God’s useless creations. A bug, not a feature. Unwanted. Unloved. But you do have something most desirable. You are a bear after all. And every human person knows that where there is a bear, there is sure to be a honey pot nearby. GUY MAN SON WANTS MOAR SUGAR AND YOU SHALL YIELD IT TO ME!!!
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<Most of the patrons of the restaurant look at Guy Manson who is screaming at a cell phone at this point. Johnny Hitmaker looks around the room and just shrugs in a dismissive smirking apology.>
GUY MANSON
Guy Man Son has a particular skill set. He will find the Error Bear. He will track it back to its den. He will sneak into its home while it is sleeping. He will try on some of its clothes and put on its makeup. Then he will claim the pot and the treasured honey cache encase within its walls. And if the Error Bear interferes, Guy Man Son will rip its spine out from its rumbly little tumbly.
GUY MANSON
<His voice drops a few octaves and takes the form of many voices at once.>
The end is near, Error Bear. It marks your destiny. The day Guy Man Son ends your existence. You will be driven back to the shadow realm from whence you came. And all will learn the name of the great usurper that has delivered you to the Nothing.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<mustering up all that is within him>
Okay!
<After that… promo... that just happened, Guy doesn’t hand back the phone, so Johnny tries taking it away from him, causing Guy to make a “Reee” sound and increase his grip on the device.>
JOHNNY HITMAKER
All right, there, Mr. M, it seems like you’re done. And we are definitely cutting you off from the sugar for a while. So…
GUY MANSON
I require the components within this transmitter in order to create the quantum device.
JOHNNY HITMAKER
<struggles for a bit, but eventually snatches his phone back>
Okay, so buy your own phone! With the cash money we’re gonna make, you’ll be able to fund a death ray from GOOD spare parts! This is just a Motorola phone. Now…
space lizard people
